Military enlishment contracts

[Kaldaur]

All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:


US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know
I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten
me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I
swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form
of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test
as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling
everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy
the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me
and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean,
donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others
and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the
next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will
go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature

____________________
Date


US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life
to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high
enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough
enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I
can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers
into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a
date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I
acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service,
and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic
Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I
let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to
report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no
training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and
will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I
will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college,
but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature

_____________________
Date



US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to
hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them,
because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues."
So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature

______________________
Date


US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors' wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....
grenades...women....OORAH!
So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"


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[Akaran_D]

ahahah

[Klydon]

Some good stuff..

*edit*

The navy one forgot to include the sardines in mustard sauce clause as well.