t.A.T.u.

Syndaen Crystalthorn · Post by **Syndaen Crystalthorn** » July 6, 2003, 10:45 pm

You're on the Fuck List!

In the beginning, there was Britney – and she was good. She jiggled and undulated through the hearts and loins of men everywhere, reintroducing the Catholic schoolgirl outfit into our rape fantasies like a muse of perversion, and I believe she sang music too. Then, came Mary-Kate and Ashley. To be fair, I was spanking off to the Olsen Twins long before ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ ruined most every square inch of easily accessible textile in my bedroom. Even back in the Full House days, I predicted, in a non-felonious manner, that both young Michelles would be lookers one day. This was before they sent me a cease and desist order – if only I had a dollar for every relationship that ended in a tidal wave of billable hours.

But, today, there’s a new girl in town -- two, actually. On behalf of my testicles, I’d like to congratulate Julia Volkova and Lena Katina – the nubile Russian teenage lesbians who make up the pop group t.A.T.u. Congrats, girls – you’re now at the top of my exclusive To-Be Molested List!

Seriously, girls, I don’t care who knows about my love for you. It’s a love that runs deep – as deep as any anonymous molester’s passion can – and while I make no prosecutable promises for our future, I swear to toss your Red Squares like you’ve never had in the 34 combined years of your existences on Earth. It’s not just because you’re big-titted, non-English speaking teenage lesbians either. It’s so much more than that: your bitchiness during interviews with Western media; your tendency to publicly exploit your sexuality for album sales; and, of course, your knack for jerk-a-liciously orgiastic live shows. Oh my sweet filthy lord, I’ve busted at least a dozen gigantic Italian nuts to your performance at the MTV Movie Awards. By simultaneously making a metric shit-ton of cash and encouraging young girls across the world to dyke out with their friends, you’ve done mankind a greater justice than you might ever truly comprehend. For that, you deserve to be vigorously fucked by my obscenely adequate-sized sweet gerkin, but only in Russia, where the nonconsensual union of a middle-aged gamer and two seventeen year-old pop princesses is legally tolerated. I think it’s cool in Alabama too.

Anyways, keep an eye out for me, girls. Papa is coming.

noel · Post by **noel** » July 6, 2003, 10:49 pm

*hands Syndaen a towel*

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » July 7, 2003, 12:52 am

Good god man. That was overly hillarious.

Laliana · Post by **Laliana** » July 7, 2003, 12:54 am

Haha, wtf????

Shashonna · Post by **Shashonna** » July 7, 2003, 1:10 am

kyoukan · Post by **kyoukan** » July 7, 2003, 1:32 am

I always thought the one with the long brown hair is decidedly below average looking.

and they've been singing the same fucking song for four years. they aren't even teenagers anymore.

Canelek · Post by **Canelek** » July 7, 2003, 1:49 am

kyoukan wrote:I always thought the one with the long brown hair is decidedly below average looking.

and they've been singing the same fucking song for four years. they aren't even teenagers anymore.

No more teenagers???

:(:(:(

kyoukan · Post by **kyoukan** » July 7, 2003, 1:59 am

well they were 16yo teenage lesbians in 1999 when they released their first single in eastern europe, so I am just harnessing the awesome powers of mathematics to extrapolate their current age.

I read an article about them in rolling stone where their manager actually coined the phrase "pedophile pop" when he talked about their marketing angle.

Canelek · Post by **Canelek** » July 7, 2003, 2:03 am

Hehehehe! I can already see the last airbubbles of human society, floating up to the surface of the sea of now...

Laliana · Post by **Laliana** » July 7, 2003, 2:27 am

Canelek wrote:

OMG..don't cut into my 15 mins. of fame!

Deneve · Post by **Deneve** » July 7, 2003, 3:02 am

I always thought the one with the long brown hair is decidedly below average looking.

got that right

Kudo · Post by **Kudo** » July 7, 2003, 5:14 am

t.a.t.u. hawt
and that MTV performance, good lord...

Kindo · Post by **Kindo** » July 7, 2003, 10:07 am

haha Synd, so THAT's where you've been?

masteen · Post by **masteen** » July 7, 2003, 10:48 am

Syndaen Crystalthorn wrote:By simultaneously making a metric shit-ton of cash and encouraging young girls across the world to dyke out with their friends, you’ve done mankind a greater justice than you might ever truly comprehend.

That's so right on, man. You said it all.

Syndaen Crystalthorn · August 30, 2003, 12:15 pm

(Another) Open Letter to Britney Spears

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Spears,

I’m writing to you today as a Christian woman, a pious mother of two, and an inveterate liar.

Ha -– funny, aren’t I? I figured I’d start one way, and then, you know, “flip the script” on you, as they say in the Hollywood. When we last wrote each other – or, more specifically, when I last wrote you and you never responded – I was lauding your latest magnum opus, "Oops, I Did It Again," and insisting that you dump Justin Limbercock like a bad batch of General Tso’s Chicken and instead get with a man who packed nine inches of stiff ebony billy club. I believe I even predicted that Justin would be working the nightshift at Hollywood Squares by now.

Well, it looks like my calculations were off by a tad. Justin is an even bigger pop princess than you these days, and his career shows no sign of slowing -– at least until it comes to a crashing halt in the restroom of an amusement park sometime in 2006. And, unfortunately, penile transplant surgery hasn’t made the leaps in progress that I prophesized when I insisted you’d be a satisfied piece of Britney Beef skewered on my pulsating, black dick-kabob by now. I suppose I can stop hanging out around inner city emergency rooms waiting for a donor.

Jeez, look at me -– I’m blathering like a lovelorn fool. I’ll get to my point here.

You see, I am writing on behalf of myself and all grope-happy solo skin flute artists, to thank you for the stunning display of playful bisexuality you and your elderly cohort, Madonna, put on for the MTV Video Awards last night. I’m not shy about the fact that I gleefully punished my pirogi several times to the chirping beat of a ripped copy of your performance set on loop. Nor am I shy about the fact that I was sitting naked in my apartment with my windows open so the neighbors could hear the fist-on-fatpad slapping noises and would know that I was occupied and should not be disturbed for any reason short of a fire. And even in that event, the flames would need to be lapping at my ass-hairs to constitute interrupting my decadent Roman Orgy of One.

Like your slightly chubbier but nearly as delectable Russian progeny, TATU, you are doing the world a greater service than you know by publicly nuzzling other female pop stars. Even though the Material Girl was butched-up for her performance, those of us veteran pop culture junkies still recall her shocking display of navel in the “Lucky Star” video, and, today, we can stalk the parking lot of any suburban strip mall and reap the rewards of her pioneering work in mid-drift technology.

Now you, my sweetest Britney, have upped the sluttiness ante once again. You’ve cemented your byline in annals of masturbation. Millions of young girls across the world began their journeys into womanhood with you coyly prancing past lockers in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, before progressing to the milestone “Slave” video – a landmark for boners of all ages. Then came the dark ages: the Limbercock Era, when you coordinated outfits with a pubic-headed nancy-boy and preached the laughable “saving myself for marriage” bullshit. Many of your faithful, sausage-stroking sheep left for less virginal pastures during these difficult times, but I never gave up on you, Brit. In the deepest pits of my loins, I knew it was all just a passing phase, and that you would return to your belly-baring, penis-stiffening roots. I was correct.

Bless you and the work you do, my dearest Britney – everyone loves lipstick lezbos, and, through your actions, you’ve helped create millions of them. God smiles upon thee, Britney Spears.

Deneve · Post by **Deneve** » August 30, 2003, 3:21 pm

wow, i wonder if those ever actually get to her in person, if so that would be priceless

Truant · Post by **Truant** » August 30, 2003, 3:41 pm

Am I the only one that doesn't know, or care who he's talking about?

Deneve · Post by **Deneve** » August 30, 2003, 3:51 pm

who i am talking about?

Xaem · Post by **Xaem** » August 30, 2003, 4:15 pm

Get a fucking life.

Kelshara · Post by **Kelshara** » August 30, 2003, 4:21 pm

On behalf of my testicles, I’d like to congratulate Julia Volkova and Lena Katina – the nubile Russian teenage lesbians who make up the pop group t.A.T.u.

Of course, they are not really lesbians and have never been lesbians.. they both have boyfriends.. and are not that good looking.

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » August 30, 2003, 7:10 pm

Fuck you for making me agree with Xaem.

Valkeria · Post by **Valkeria** » August 31, 2003, 4:59 am

Get some psychiatric help or more importantly psychiatric drugs or go all out for chemical castration.

Izna Marcos · Post by **Izna Marcos** » August 31, 2003, 6:35 am

Nope sorry.
Pigtails>T.a.t.u

Go fuzzy pigtails holders!

Sargeras · Post by **Sargeras** » August 31, 2003, 8:37 am

Syndaen, you're going waaayyy too far.

Kalifen · Post by **Kalifen** » September 2, 2003, 6:19 pm

I read is as Synd is critical to what the ( the young SHes) are doing, the way they act can create theese thoughts and theese rolemodells for the young ones. By writing like this he points out the problem.
If this was the purpose, yay nice done!
If not, seek help.

After some more thinking, I came to the conclusion that my way of thinking _might_ be verry Swedish here.

Its like that Basket dude saying in that tv show that the other basket dude beeing charged with rape is a good thing for the sport. Something I can imagine verry few people can say in US and get away with ( in this case saying the truth).

VeeshanVault

t.A.T.u.

t.A.T.u.

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