"St. Patrick's Day: Celebrating Wonderful Irish People...

[Spang]

...With A Shitty American Holiday"

By Michael Ian Black

I am all for people feeling good about where they come from but St. Patrick’s Day may be the worst holiday of the year. Celebrating Irish heritage is one thing, but celebrating it by embracing all the worst stereotypes of a culture is something else entirely. It would be like us Jews having Money Grubbing Day.

The Irish are a proud people. I know this because I read “Angela’s Ashes.” So I know the indignation and hardships they have endured here and abroad. They’ve accomplished much in this country, which makes me think there’s got to be a better way for them to honor their heritage than by throwing up.

As far as I can tell, the primary (and possibly only) activities associated with this stupid holiday are drinking beer, wearing green, and eating salty food. Which are also the primary activities associated with going to a Jets game. The corned beef and cabbage is traditional Irish fare, the green connotes the beauty of the homeland, and the beer reminds us of the blight of alcoholism which has destroyed so many Irish families over the centuries.

If ever there was a people who should use alcohol less to celebrate their ancestry, it is the Irish. Using alcohol to celebrate being Irish like using small pox to celebrate being Native American. Or, now that I think about it, it’s also like using alcohol to celebrate Native American heritage.

New York City is a particularly egregious place to spend St. Patrick’s Day. As I write these words from the seventh floor of a supposedly soundproof building, I can hear whoops of joy rising from the streets below. Most likely these are people who started their day early in order to watch the big, gay-hating parade wend its way down Fifth Avenue. Ironically, most of the participants in the parade march while wearing women’s skirts. Why cross-dressing is fine but being gay is not in the Irish community is a source of mystery to me, but not one I care to attempt to solve because if there is one thing I like less than St. Patrick’s Day it is being beaten by cross-dressing Irish cops.

The celebrating starts early here in New York, and continues until the streets run with vomit. Because there are so many people of Irish descent in this city, it has become a de facto citywide holiday. When Puerto Rican Day rolls around in the summer, the fiestas are largely confined to the Puerto Ricans. Not so with the Irish. Participation is more or less mandatory for all people regardless of race or color or creed. In a way it’s nice, but it’s also annoying. I do not enjoy justifying my clothing choices to strangers wearing plastic leprechaun hats. If you are wearing one of those hats, I shouldn’t have to justify any clothing choices I may make. Honestly, once you’ve put on a plastic green leprechaun, you’ve given up the right to judge me about anything. “Why aren’t you wearin’ green?” they slur. To which I respond, “Why aren’t you unconscious?”

Nor do I feel the need to say cutesy things like “Top o’ the morning to ya’” or to kiss anybody simply for being Irish. If anything, I am going to be on extra-high herpes alert when confronted by strangers wearing buttons instructing me to kiss them.

On the other hand, I do enjoy Irish music the way I enjoy penicillin, in small doses. Irish soda bread is delicious. Irish sweaters are warm but itchy. Clog dancing I can do without, unless it is performed by Savion Glover. And that I think runs the full survey of Irish culture, unless you count eating sheep’s eyeballs, as recounted by Frank McCourt in the aforementioned "Angela’s Ashes.”

The Irish are a lovely people and I am happy they have a day to celebrate their heritage, but good Lord, can’t it be on a day when I am out of the country? Or can’t they at least do it more quietly? Or even better, can’t they do it in Ireland?

The Source

[Fairweather Pure]

What a wet blanket.

[Aslanna]

I agree. It is a shitty American holiday!

[Keverian FireCry]

If ever there was a people who should use alcohol less to celebrate their ancestry, it is the Irish. Using alcohol to celebrate being Irish like using small pox to celebrate being Native American. Or, now that I think about it, it’s also like using alcohol to celebrate Native American heritage.

[miir]

Michael Ian Black is fucking hillarious.

[Canelek]

I celebrate with Guinness. Proper. Not so much for the green and green beer. that is grade school....well, maybe not the beer (unless you are Irish!).

That said, I am happy with my Irish heritage.

[Nick]

I hope you all had a good one. Mine was somewhat strange. There were riots where I live, due to the whole Republican dissedent murders that went on a few weeks ago. I was at a silent protest the other day in the city centre, you may have seen it on the news.

Unfortunately for all the majority of the city having great spirits and a really positive party atmosphere (one in which I got virtually fucking murdered by my own alcohol consumption) there were, as there always are in this little insular shithole, a few bad eggs to spoil the party.

The party won though

[Spang]

Going For It

by Michael Ian Black

Those of you who follow my Twitter feed know that my new mantra is "Go for it." Well I've decided to extend that philosophy to my work life. Today, for example, I was torn between gazpacho and five grain salad for lunch. Thought to myself: "Maybe I should get both." Did I go for it? I did. I went for it like swine flu goes for Mexicans.

Another example: my allergies were bothering me today. Somebody said, "Would you like some Claritin-D?" That's the strong stuff, the anabolic steroids of over-the-counter allergy medication. I didn't even think twice: I went for it. I went for it like Angelina Jolie goes for babies.

Example three: While at the Mets game tonight, a fan missed snagging an easy foul ball. Thought to myself: that guy sucks. Then thought: I should yell to that guy that he sucks. Went for it. Yelled, "You suck!" The guy started crying. Then I felt bad and I went over and apologized. Turns out he's had a rough few days: he and his wife are separating and he thinks he might be out of a job soon. That foul ball was the one good thing that might have happened to him. But he dropped it. I said I felt bad for him but that he still sucked. We parted as friends.

The Source

[Canelek]

I went for it like swine flu goes for Mexicans.



That is fucking awesome.