Old People and Sex

[Winnow]

Thank God. I thought my days were numbered!

Life's spice

Sex hasn't lost its importance to seniors

Connie Cone Sexton
The Arizona Republic
Feb. 21, 2006 12:00 AM


Forty years have passed since the flower-power children of the '60s experienced the start of the sexual revolution, but today's senior citizens are still on a quest for sexual fulfillment.

When the heart is willing and the body isn't, seniors search for solutions. They're using Viagra to get back their va-va-va-voom, turning to sex therapists for tips, donning their reading glasses for Sex and the Seasoned Woman or Better Than Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. And they're getting advice from clerks in adult retail shops about products that will better the bedroom experience.

Only about 5 percent of those 60 and older believe that sex should be left to the young, according to researchers for AARP, the nation's largest lobbying group for older people. About 85 percent of this age group has some sort of intimate experience once a week, including kissing or intercourse. The AARP poll of 1,682 people older than 45 had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.4 percentage points.

"In our minds, we're still young kids,"' said Arizona State University journalism Professor Mary-Lou Galician, who turns 60 in April. "I certainly don't feel over the hill, and neither does my husband, who is 11 years older than I am."

Galician, head of media analysis and criticism for the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism & Mass Communication, also goes by the title of Dr. FUN. She chuckled about a recent lecture she gave to students taking her "Sex, Love and Romance in the Mass Media" class. She mentioned how many older people don't seem to be using protection. "I said, 'I know you probably don't think about your parents or grandparents having sex.' They all went, 'Ugh!' "

Those 20-somethings will realize one day, she said, that sex can be important to people throughout their lives.

"It's not the most important part of life, but it is one important part of life," she said.

Stephen Conley, 56, executive director of the Virginia-based American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, expects the baby-boom generation to continue to correct society's notion that older people lose interest in sex.

Boomers will want to make their sex lives as good as possible. "Us baby boomers are pushy," Conley said. "The sexual revolution is still going on."


Couples seek therapy

While the sexual revolution continues, the ability to perform has declined for many.

Wanting to add a little something or restore what once was is what brings many clients to Dr. Marlene Shiple, a Phoenix sex therapist. She has seen an increase in the number of older clients coming for advice the past few years.

Shiple, 59, has been a therapist since 1971, specializing in sex since 1982.

"When I first started, I didn't see that many older couples, but it's changing in the last couple of years. I'm seeing people in their 60s and 70s," Shiple said. "They're saying that they don't want to lose their sexual expression."

Many of the couples need help in dealing with physical changes, either menopause or problems maintaining erections. She believes Viagra and similar medications have greatly improved sexual performance for many couples. "For older couples before, they might have just said, 'Oh, our sex life is over.' Now, they're having another chance."

When people ask about wanting to improve their sex lives, it isn't always based on physical problems.

"Often they don't have effective ways to communicate, something they developed early on in their marriage," she said. "Now we're 20 years later, with all of this stored stuff. If they had difficulties communicating 20 years ago, chances are they are still having problems."

Janora Hodges, a retired wellness educator for Sun Health, helps clients in the Sun City area with their sexual concerns.

The 64-year-old has helped couples learn how to deal with changes in their physical abilities. One man was very tall and his wife very short. Having sex was difficult because they weren't as flexible as when they were younger. She taught them ways of coping. A widow confessed to Hodges that she wanted to be able to gratify herself but didn't know what to do.

Hodges teaches couples how to be intimate if they aren't able to have intercourse. "They can learn other ways. An orgasm starts in the brain, you know," she said.

Intimacy is key

Sex and intimacy help keep a marriage going, said Emil and Shirley Flaim of Sun City. He is 72 and she is 60.

He can still remember the thrill of first seeing her. His heart and his libido soared.

He was shopping at the Sun City thrift store where she works and watched as she walked past. "I thought, 'Hmm, not bad.' The testosterone started working," Emil recalled.

He left the shop without asking her out and kicked himself for hesitating. But a few days later, she came into a restaurant where he regularly played the piano. He sang one love song after another. She played a little hard to get.

They've been married for six years. Shirley is his third wife. He and his first wife divorced, and his second wife died of cancer. Shirley was divorced and about to be married when her fiance died of cancer. The common loss was a bond.

The Flaims know firsthand that sexual attraction doesn't know an age limitation.

Emil believes in being affectionate. "You don't have to be an animal. Whisper in her ear that you love her," he said. "Sex is a wonderful thing. My dad used to say it was the only sweet thing God gave us. You've got to have a little spice in life."

Some single women have told Hodges, the Sun City counselor, that they don't want to have sex with a man if he's not willing to wear a condom. But because of age, some men aren't able to keep the condom on long enough.

Promiscuity hasn't escaped the older generation. There are people older than 50 who are stepping out on their wives, she said. "They'll rent motels for an hour at a time." And she has heard of a "key club" in the Valley, with senior members who swap mates. The men put their car keys into a bowl, and the women go home with the owner of the keys they pull out.

Such a scenario points to the need for older men and women to ensure they are taking precautions, she said.

Hodges wishes more doctors would talk to their patients about their sex lives. "I think a lot of doctors don't ask because that means, 'Oh, my gosh, my parents are still doing it.' "

Seniors need to be honest with their doctors, Hodges said. They need to ask if their medications will have side effects, such as decreasing blood flow for men or making sex uncomfortable for women.

Sexual dysfunction can increase with age, including complications of decreased amounts of circulating estrogen, cardiovascular disease and diabetes. Antidepressants can also alter libido.

Surgery on his prostate changed the way he and his wife can have sex, at least for now, said Tom, a 65-year-old Fountain Hills resident. Tom recently walked into the Castle Megastore adult shop in far north Phoenix, looking for a device that would enhance their sex life.

For several minutes, he followed a clerk around the brightly lit store, stopping to compare one item with another. He wanted to know just how the item functioned, how it differed from the one he didn't pick off the rack. Tom could very well have been comparing hammers at a hardware store.

Before long, he had what he needed: a device that will allow him and his partner to have intercourse.

"I need a little assistance," Tom said.

For 60-something Matt of Phoenix, sex remains a special part of his life. He stopped in to browse the Castle shop and came out with a coupon book for his wife.

He has been married 40 years. As you get older, a sexual relationship, like marriage, requires work, he said. "You have to keep up your interest and think outside the box," he said.

Keep romance alive

Mark Franks, chief executive of Castle Megastore, said he has seen an increase in the number of older clients. "We do a tremendous amount of business with seniors, and our (baby) boomer business is just enormous," Franks said.

That doesn't surprise those who have studied the sexual wants and needs of older people.

Exploring your sexual side is a lifelong work in progress, said California psychologist Carol Rinkleib Ellison, who interviewed more than 100 women for her book Women's Sexualities: Generations of Women Share Intimate Secrets of Sexual Self-Acceptance.Several were in their 60s, 70s and 80s. The oldest was 90.

A common theme she hears often from older women is how to keep desire and romance going.

"Consent and interest is all you need," Ellison said. "It's unrealistic to expect that lusty desire," although some older people certainly do have that.

Ellison, who declined to give her exact age, said she is older than 65 but younger than 70.

For some women in their 70s, it takes awhile to get aroused. She suggests using things like feathers and massage oils.

"Everyone has to go through that and make decision and experiment to solve the mysteries of sex and sexuality, no matter how old," Ellison said. "People overlook that sex is creating mutual erotic pleasure. It doesn't have to be intercourse."

Bobbi Klepp and Wayne Derr are hoping for years of time to become closer. Klepp, who said she is older than 55, and Derr, 59, are engaged. They haven't set the date.

Sitting at a table at a bookstore in Peoria on Valentine's Day, the couple talked about finding love and the life they can't wait to share.

"It's funny that there is a thought that older people don't want intimacy," Klepp said. "Being older gives you time to appreciate the other person more. You want to please each other. If I'm worried about him and he's worried about me, then there is no problem. It's wonderful."

[Siji]

As long as the diapers are clean, let the scrumpin' begin.

[Cotto]

my grandparents slept in separate beds, in different rooms. Im begining to think the creation of my mother made them lose all faith in the miracle of birth.

[Canoe]

Dude - in that bolded part - 50 IS NOT OLD.

At least not anymore.

Friend of mine is 53, has kept in shape and looks like he is 35. He is able to get as many younger women as he wants, and is enjoying the hell out of it.

It would be different if they said people 80 and older or some shit, but nowadays 50 or 60 year old people are still VERY physically active - not sure why it's such a big deal.

[Winnow]

Friend of mine is 53, has kept in shape and looks like he is 35. He is able to get as many younger women as he wants, and is enjoying the hell out of it.

As many as he wants? Does he just snap his fingers and they come a'runnin?

[Asheran Mojomaster]

Friend of mine is 53, has kept in shape and looks like he is 35. He is able to get as many younger women as he wants, and is enjoying the hell out of it.

As many as he wants? Does he just snap his fingers and they come a'runnin?

I'm sure that if he is 50 something and has a decent job he is probably pretty well off. I mean, he is probably making enough money to support a family and I'm going to assume he is single lol. Good body + money = sex with hot women.

[Winnow]

Oh, I thought he was getting them due to his personality!

[Nick]

Lol Winnow

[redeemed]

old people and sex is gross

[Ennia]

only thing coming to my mind when thinking about old people and sex is this:

Mitch: You ever walk in on our parents doing it?
Glen: No, have you?
Mitch: Yeah.
Glen: That's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.
Mitch: This was last week in Florida!
Glen: Uhh!
Mitch: It was on the kitchen table.
Glen: Uhhh!
Mitch: And an hour later we *ate* on that table!

[Sylvus]

My grandparents are like 89 years old, and I know they were still doing it at least until a year or two ago when grandma's health started deteriorating.

And I've also heard that nursing homes have a HUGE spread of STDs nowadays. Mostly because it's such a taco bar that one functioning old dude can pull all kinds of ass. And yeah, the thought made me throw up in my mouth a little too, but it's true.