Chuck Norris is God.

Gonzoie - Luclin · Post by **Gonzoie - Luclin** » November 7, 2005, 4:00 am

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the !@!@!@ when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and $!@% on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » November 7, 2005, 5:18 am

Really?!

http://www.veeshanvault.org/forums/view ... hp?t=15538

Post by **Sylvus** » November 8, 2005, 12:43 am

I think Gonzoie should probably get like a 1 week suspension for posting something that I'd already posted.

I'll sleep on it, though.

Zamtuk · Post by **Zamtuk** » November 8, 2005, 1:25 am

i wouldnt.

ban his ass to make an example.

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » November 10, 2005, 12:53 am

PERSONALY IM HAPPY IT WAS POSTED BECUASE I DIDNT SEE IT THE FRIST TIME!

Post by **Sylvus** » November 10, 2005, 2:33 am

That's it, you're gone too Dregor. 3 days for not remembering a thread I posted.

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » November 10, 2005, 3:36 am

Gross ABUSE OF POWER! YOu power hungry fiend. Your reign of terror will end one day! The flipper babies of the board will bring you down! Beware the four horsemen of the Special Apocalypse -- Cartalas, Midnyte, Brotha and Winnow! They shall let loose their mediocre terrors and ineffectual barbs and make you RUE THE DAY, FINE SIR!

RUE THE DAY!

Canelek · Post by **Canelek** » November 10, 2005, 4:44 am

You heard the man--relinquish your reign of terror, evil Sylvus of the terror woods!

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » November 10, 2005, 6:27 am

Anyone have a better set of lyrics for this song?

Max-A-Million - Fat Boy

It's an underrated song of 90's. Can't make out some of the lyrics though and always wondered what he was saying. It's one of those bitch songs to find lyrics for. I found these posted by some other person looking for the lyrics as well but they aren't accurate and he could be saying something totally different. With the Jamaican accent it's hard to tell. Great lyrics and song if you want a booming bass, fast paced beat.

all the fat boys need x amount of respect..now hear this

hey fat boy, I wanna make you smile...alright
hey big boy...ya man
come play with me for awhile....nanananana

fat boy go round and round
he'll spin your head around
sometimes they'll put you down
big boy don't lose your ground

I hear the things they're saying
I see the things they're doing
come go with me fat boy
and I'll be there for you

turn around fat boy your making rounds
uptown down town all round the town
all the girls they don't want a little man now
in london they want a fat boy now
in canada they want a fat boy now
in new york they want a fat boy now
in chi town they want a fat boy now
in jamaica you know they want a fat boy now

we really really like your smile
wont you come stay a while
come on now either way
put a smile on your face
fat boy be movin to it
just like the others do it
and size dont mean a thing
fat boy just loves to swing

come around
fat boy is big and round
uptown down town all around the town
all the girls they dont wanna a little man now
in miami wanna big man now
in texas they wanna big man now
in l.a they wanna big man now
washington yeah they wanna big man now
detroit yeah they wanna big man now

fat boy go round and round and
he spin your head around
sometimes hell put you down
yeah boy dont loose your ground
i hear them things he's saying
i see them things he doing
come go with me fat boy
and ill be there for you

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » November 10, 2005, 10:32 am

Ooh, ooh!

Ban Winnow for totally irrelevant posting on a thread reposting your posting!!!

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » November 10, 2005, 12:49 pm

The irrelevance is relevant!

miir · Post by **miir** » November 10, 2005, 12:55 pm

It takes three licks to get to the center of Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel once became a herald of Galactus to save his home world

When Vin Diesel finds a coin on the ground, he punches a nun. Vin Diesel rarely finds coins, and yet has punched more nuns than can easily be counted. Go figure.

The seventh and last Harry Potter book will be called Vin Diesel and Harry Potter. JK Rowlings at first tried to convince him not to break the continuity and call it Harry Potter and Vin Diesel, or perhaps Harry Potter and the Vin Diesel, but Vin said he "didnt want none of that shit". Hermione dies at the hands of Vin at the beginning of the book, and much of the rest is spent celebrating at Hogwarts with him.

I don't know what all those Indians were bitching about...it was Vin Diesel's land anyway.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero

laneela · Post by **laneela** » November 11, 2005, 7:17 am

Is it just me, or was it much funnier this time around than when Sylvus posted it?

Drolgin Steingrinder · November 11, 2005, 9:26 am

I laughed at it back then, but it seems a lot funnier now. Must be the delivery or something...

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » November 11, 2005, 12:41 pm

Sylvus sucks the funny out of life!

Post by **Sylvus** » November 12, 2005, 12:42 am

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » November 12, 2005, 1:01 am

It's ok Sylvus, I love you regardless.