Funny stuff I got from my brother

[Adex_Xeda]

He's got 3 boys:


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Play Ball!
An animated Cole came running into the house last night and said, “Come quick Dad something bad happened to Ryan!”

I followed Cole outside into the dark yard. I found Ryan lying on his back in the grass – moaning. He was wearing his baseball glove and there was a baseball by his head. I bent down and asked him what happened. Before he could answer Cole chimed in, “He said he wanted to try playing catch in the dark – I threw first.”

2/28/03



Dogboy
Marisa always warns me not to let the boys go outside if you want them to stay clean. Recently, I decided to ignore her advice – it was only for a few minutes before we left for church. It wasn’t until after we got there and the boys were getting out of the car that I noticed a huge muddy smear of dirt on Ryan’s pants leg. I asked him, “Ryan what is on your leg?”

Marisa just rolled her eyes and said, “See I told you so.”

I looked at Ryan and pointed at his leg, “Look at that mud! What are you going to do about it?” He glanced at his leg and then with a look of resignation, -- I’m not making this up – started licking the mud off. I couldn’t believe. We’ve raised a dog.

3/28/03


Don’t Scare the Fish
I recently took Cole on a fishing trip in the boat. It was a chance for a little one-on-one time and fishing instruction. We worked on keeping his line untangled, being quiet, and not getting hung up on sticks. Nevertheless, at one point he managed to throw his lure into a tree on the shoreline. It was an expensive lure that he had just purchased with his own money so I decided to retrieve it.

I pulled the boat to shore and got out to untangle the lure. I have to admit I was a little bit aggravated with him. As I was trying to untangle his lure he kept trying to get my attention. Perturbed, I told him to just be patient I was busy getting HIS lure out of the tree. Finally, I turned around. Now I knew what he wanted. The boat was drifting away from the shore – that’s what he had been trying to tell me. I quickly untangled the lure, threw it in the water, and then made a leap for the boat. I guess the boat was a little further from the shore than I thought. I ended up flat on my back under the boat in about 3’ of water. When I came up for air, Cole was already fishing. He looked at me and shook his head saying, “Dad you’re just crazy.” He then went on fishing like the whole incident was just part of the experience of fishing with Dad.

6/6/03



Snotball
I heard the kids playing and having an especially good time upstairs the other day. Suspecting the worst, I went to check on what they were doing. I figured they must have snuck some kind of animal upstairs. Actually, they were playing kickball (in the house). While this isn’t that unusual, they had modified the game. In order to get someone out you had to catch the ball, blow snot on it, and then make the tag. This made getting out an especially undesirable thing. You’d think kids couldn’t just produce unlimited amounts of snot – eventually they’d run dry and the game would be over. Never fear, there are other things that can be substituted for snot. Kids can be resourceful – and exceedingly gross.

6/30/03





Chickenball

I found the boys playing a new game the other day. They had a bunch of pillows stacked up on the couch so that there was a small hole in the middle. One of them would get behind the pillows and stick his face in the hole while the other one threw a tennis ball from across the room at the hole. The game was to see who had enough nerve to leave their face in the hole without flinching as the tennis ball came flying in. I can’t wait until they grow up and start driving.

10/27/03





Sewer Monkeys

I took the kids to a park the other day where there happens to be a large storm drain. The drain is big enough for an adult to walk into and extends back into a hill. Of course for a kid, that pipe is much more fun than anything at the park so after much begging and pleading I let the kids explore it. A few seconds later another little kid came running up, looked into the pipe, and then disappeared into the darkness. He was followed by a very distraught Mom who hurried over and asked if I’d seen her son. I nonchalantly said, “Yea, he disappeared into the storm sewer.” I saw the look of panic in her eyes (must have been her only child) so I quickly reassured her, “It’s okay my kids are in there too.” She gasped, and about that time baboon screams came echoing out of the darkness. I smiled at the woman and said reassuringly, “Those are mine” referring to the animals making the baboon sounds. Just then her frightened little kid came streaking out of the drain, slipped, and landed in the mud beside his mom. She gave me a dirty look and dragged her scared little muddy kid off by the arm. My baboons showed up a few seconds later laughing.

2/17/04



That’s not Right

I was surfing through the channels the other day when I happened to stop on PBS. They were showing the “Lord of the Dance” - at least that’s what I think it is called. It’s that Broadway type show with men in tights stomping around the stage, yelling, and acting tough. I’ve always found the show a little disturbing. Anyway, Ben happened to be walking by as I pondered why anyone would pay to watch this. He stopped and stared at it for a moment and then turned to me with his 3-year old logic and said, “Dad, that’s not right”. Good boy.

3/9/04



Easy Rider

The boys came in the house last night and told me that they had taught Ben to ride his bike without training wheels. I got the video camera and went outside to film it. They balanced him on the bike and gave him a push. He went about 10 feet crashed into a tree much to his brother’s delight. They then decided he needed to try again. Poor Ben didn't look to enthusiastic this time, but gave it another go. This time they pointed him away from the tree. He went about 20 feet, through a bunch of bushes, straight into the side of the house – and it’s all on tape.

4/13/04





Ultimate Wedgy

We had Ryan’s birthday party at our house the other night. He had about 8 of his 9-year old friends over for a sleepover in the backyard. Their favorite activity of the night using a rope and pulley attached to the swingset to hoist each other up by back of their underwear. They called it the ultimate wedgy.

5/24/04



Hey Neighbor

This summer we had new neighbors move in with 2 daughters, ages 8 and 10. The day they moved in the boys were in the back yard playing on the slip-n-slide. The new neighbor and his 10-yr old blond daughter came over and introduced themselves. They heard the boys in the back yard and asked if I had kids. I told them I had 3 boys and offered to introduce them.

I open the gate into the backyard. Ryan, who doesn’t see us, was laying belly-down on the slip-n-slide with Cole sitting on his back, slapping him on the butt with one hand while holding onto his hair with the other. He is actually “riding” Ryan down the slip-n-slide while Ryan does his best impersonation of a flopping and barking sea lion. Ben is spraying Ryan in the face with a water hose.

I said, “Hey guys let me introduce you to our new neighbors.” The sea lion impersonation stops immediately and a very embarrassed Ryan stands up. I introduced the neighbor – and his daughter. Cole and Ben find the whole situation hilarious. Ryan just looks like he would rather be somewhere else. I ask him, “Aren’t you going to say hi?” Cole starts laughing. Ryan gives me a look and then turns around and knocks Cole to the ground. The neighbor thought it was funny.

6/12/04



Let the Punishment fit the Crime

We were in the Suburban the other day when Ben let out a scream of pain and started crying. I yelled to the back of the Suburban and asked what the heck was going on. Ben, fighting through sobs, said that Ryan had hit him. I looked at Ryan through the rearview mirror and asked him if it was true. He confirmed it. I said, “Alright then hit yourself twice as hard as you hit Ben.” Without hesitation Ryan slapped himself across the face so hard it made his eyes water. Ben thought that was hilarious.

7/10/04



Inside Joke

I was watching TV the other night when I heard a commotion from upstairs. Next thing I know, all three boys come down the stairs, run past the TV, and screaming something about the “Queen of Egypt.” All three were wearing just their underwear with tube socks pulled up on their arms – and another pair of underwear on their heads. After one pass through the living room they head back upstairs laughing. . . . . . It’s amazing the things they learn from their Mom.

7/20/04



Dad is no Indian

Cole came into the house the other day excited about a piece of flint he had managed to chip into something that looked a little like a Indian spearhead. He wanted help making a spear. We started with a branch off of the Crepe Myrtle and then split the end to hold the “spearhead”. I carefully secured the spearhead to the branch with twine explaining that real Indians would have used strips of hide soaked in water. I tied several expert Indian knots and then held the spear up for his inspection. About that time the piece of flint fell off and the twine came unraveled. Cole looked at me and said, “You really don’t know what you’re doing do you Dad.”

7/15/04



The True Measure of a Man

We were sitting in a restaurant yesterday when a giant of a man (Bigfoot size) walked in. The guy was so huge you couldn’t help but look at him – he seemed to take up ½ of the restaurant. While he was waiting for a table he came and stood right beside Ryan. His butt was right in Ryan’s face. I watched as Ryan looked him over out of the corner of his eye. After he left Ryan commented, “That guy was huge. I wonder what size underwear he wears? . . . . I bet they’re 70’s.”

7/23/04



A True Sportsman

I was taking Cole to baseball tryouts the other day and decided to give him a little fatherly advice. I reminded him to always hustle and watch the ball. Cole looked thoughtfully out the window for a moment and then said “That’s all good Dad, but I think I probably just need to dive after the ball a couple times to show them my skill.”

8/12/04



Snacktime

I walked around the corner of the house the other day and saw Cole and Ben on the sitting on the sidewalk. They were repeatedly touching the sidewalk with one finger and then sticking it in their mouth. Every once in a while they would look at each other and nod in agreement. When I walked over to investigate they looked up and said, “Sugar ants Dad”

8/30/04



Batter Up

While coaching Cole’s baseball team this year He and I had a running argument over what bat he needed to use. I wanted Cole to use small, light bat, but he and the other coach liked the big flashy bat. Every inning Cole would wait for me to go coach first base and he would sneak to the plate with the big bat. So I’m at first base and Cole walks to the plate with the big bat. Aggravated, I yell loud enough for everyone to hear, “Cole that bat is too big, wrong bat!” Cole then proceeded to hit the first pitch he saw over my head into right field for a home run. He even grinned when he ran by me. I let him use whichever bat he wants to now.

9/3/2004



Practice makes a Mess

Benjamin has started showing an interest in learning to tie his shoes so I sat down with him the other day for a first lesson. He got a little frustrated and so I had to remind him that it would take a lot of practice. This morning I noticed all the shoes in my closet had their shoestrings tied in giant knots. I guess he’s been practicing.

10/16/04



Show Off

I was out riding bikes with Marisa and the boys yesterday. We were in a part of the neighborhood that they are just now developing so it still has a lot of dirt roads and ditches. Since I was leading the pack I decided to show off a little by crossing a wide drainage ditch. Little did I know that the bottom of the ditch only looked dry -- it was actually very muddy. As soon as my front wheel hit the bottom of that ditch it sank about 1 ft into the mud catapulting me headfirst over the handlebars. After landing in the mud the first thing I heard from Marisa was not “Honey are you okay” but rather laughter and “Hey boys hurry up and come look at what happened to your dad!”

[miir]

Hey Adex, where ya been?


Funny stuff except for:

I was surfing through the channels the other day when I happened to stop on PBS. They were showing the “Lord of the Dance” - at least that’s what I think it is called. It’s that Broadway type show with men in tights stomping around the stage, yelling, and acting tough. I’ve always found the show a little disturbing. Anyway, Ben happened to be walking by as I pondered why anyone would pay to watch this. He stopped and stared at it for a moment and then turned to me with his 3-year old logic and said, “Dad, that’s not right”. Good boy.

Kinda sad to see 'homophobia' and intolerance being taught to kids.

[Fash]

Smart kids... very funny stuff, thanks Adex.


hey miir, can i borrow your tap shoes?... you ass spelunker you.

[miir]

you ass spelunker you

Are you coming on to me?

[Adex_Xeda]

Hey Adex, where ya been?

I read the board, I just don't post as much anymore. Heh, it seems that every time I post, I have to follow it up with 6 followups to defend my point. So nowadays I don't post unless I have time to address the replies.

[Bubba Grizz]

That's awesome.

But how does he find time to handle all those boys and still level his Undead Rogue on WoW?

[Adex_Xeda]

He's a power engineer, and he tries to keep his job pinned at 40 hours a week.

I suppose that gives him enough time to keep up with his kids.

[masteen]

Once again, I'm reminded why some animals eat their young

[Ebumar]

Haha, I want boys... They're so funny.

[Shashonna]

That is great stuff. I only have 1 boy but at times I think he multiplies.

I caught him yesterday red handed and he still denied it. I walk into the kitchen he is standing ON the counter, hand in the box of valentines candy, mouth smeard in chocolate. I said what are you doing. He said Nothing Mommy.............boys!