Fatal Beatings

Drolgin Steingrinder · Post by **Drolgin Steingrinder** » June 3, 2003, 2:21 pm

From Brit Skits at http://www.geocities.com/
Hollywood/Lot/5225/index.html

<Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan Atkinson (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for
himself and his visitor>

HEADMASTER:
Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

PERKINS:
No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud.

HEADMASTER:
Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired.

PERKINS:
Oh dear.

HEADMASTER:
He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

PERKINS:
Dear me.

HEAD:
Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’t dead I’d have him expelled.

<long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.>

PERKINS:
I beg your pardon?

HEAD:
Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on his ear.

PERKINS:
He’s dead?

HEAD:
Yes... he’s lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green.
And it’s very typical of his current attitude.

PERKINS: <shocked>
But...

<Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins>

HEADMASTER:
You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely immovable. And beginning to smell.

PERKINS:
Well, how did he die?!?!

HEADMASTER:
Is that important?

PERKINS:<incredulous>
Yes, I think so!

HEADMASTER: <sighs>
Well, it’s all got to do with the library you see. We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you’ll
be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library
card system...

<Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks
up one of the library cards>

PERKINS:
Wait... I’m sorry.... You BEAT my son to death?

HEADMASTER:
Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced....

PERKINS:
Well, exactly what happened?

HEADMASTER:
Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books.

PERKINS:
No, during the beating!

HEADMASTER:
Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was
lying down...

PERKINS:
DEAD?!

HEADMASTER:
Ummm... deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing.

<stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins>

HEADMASTER:
What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where
he gets it from.

PERKINS:
Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?!

HEADMASTER:
Well it was perfectly obvious to me the first day here, I fear. I wondered
then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on.

<Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to "get medieval" on the Headmaster>

PERKINS:
Are you MAD?!?!

HEADMASTER:
Mad? I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!

<a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door>

PERKINS:
This is preposterous!

HEADMASTER:
Yes it is. Or at least it would be... if it were true.

PERKINS:
WHAT?!?!

HEADMASTER:
I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. I’ve been pulling your leg.

<Mr. Perkins sighs with relief>

HEADMASTER:
I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!

Sirensa · Post by **Sirensa** » June 3, 2003, 2:44 pm

Heheh seen that one before and I love it. Rowan Atkinson is fuckin' hilarious.

Adelrune Argenti · Post by **Adelrune Argenti** » June 3, 2003, 2:54 pm

Hehe. That is pretty good. Never been a fan of Rowan Atkinson though but that was good.

Drolgin Steingrinder · Post by **Drolgin Steingrinder** » June 3, 2003, 3:01 pm

Rowan Atkinson's LIVE stuff is great (not the Mr. Bean crap and not his sucky movies).

Check out the Live in Belfast show or the Live in Montreal show.

Fredonia Coldheart · Post by **Fredonia Coldheart** » June 3, 2003, 3:33 pm

The Black Adder series is also very funny!

Lexien · Post by **Lexien** » June 3, 2003, 4:01 pm

Mr. bean did a show in Montreal???

oh i miss living in Montreal

kyoukan · Post by **kyoukan** » June 3, 2003, 4:33 pm

Mr. Bean isn't crap. What the hell is wrong with you?!

Zamtuk · Post by **Zamtuk** » June 3, 2003, 5:51 pm

The show was priceless.

The movie was shit.

Drolgin Steingrinder · Post by **Drolgin Steingrinder** » June 3, 2003, 7:37 pm

Compared to the excellent skit-writing of Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson, Mr. Bean is, indeed, crap.

The Mr. Bean tv show ss a lot better than most of the other stuff out there, but it'll never be my favorite.

The movies are just sad beyond belief...

Revs · Post by **Revs** » June 3, 2003, 10:22 pm

Mr. Bean > Drolgin