Joke Post

Searyx · Post by **Searyx** » August 3, 2002, 5:29 pm

Much more enjoyable than the quote post.

*passing out foriegn beer to the audience*

Bruce #1: The reason we do this, is because we feel that American beer is like making love in a canoe.

Bruce #2: Making love in a canoe?

Bruce #1: It's fucking close to water.

Karae · Post by **Karae** » August 3, 2002, 5:36 pm

You're pathetic. This is an old Foster's beer commercial and you got it completely wrong. It goes:

"Why is Coors Light like making love in a canoe? Because it's fucking near water."

Searyx · Post by **Searyx** » August 3, 2002, 6:21 pm

I picked it up from Monty Python - Live at the Hollywood Bowl. Monty Python's version is funnier.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who had moved to
Texas from the East coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there are the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other 2 judges
(native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards for the event:

-----------------------------------------------------

CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE #1: Smokey, with a hint of port. Slight Jalapeno-tang.
JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

--------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Bar maid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all the beer.

-------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound bitch is starting to look
HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

-----------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly in it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I worried it will eat through
the chair. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE #2: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.

Searyx · Post by **Searyx** » August 10, 2002, 1:22 am

A guy has two things in this world: his word and his balls. Or is that three things?

Anuin · Post by **Anuin** » August 10, 2002, 1:32 am

How do you knock a clown off a swing?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

Bubba Grizz · Post by **Bubba Grizz** » August 12, 2002, 10:37 am

What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a Cat.

Dups. · Post by **Dups.** » August 12, 2002, 2:52 pm

Dark elf walks into a bar.

Bartender looks at him and asks "Why so blue?"

Davel · Post by **Davel** » August 12, 2002, 2:57 pm

So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Bubba Grizz · Post by **Bubba Grizz** » August 12, 2002, 3:01 pm

What's the difference between a Bitch and a Whore?

A whore will fuck anybody. A bitch will fuck anybody but YOU!

Aabidano · Post by **Aabidano** » August 12, 2002, 3:23 pm

Why are turds tapered?

To keep your butthole from slamming shut.

Aedryn · Post by **Aedryn** » August 13, 2002, 2:10 am

I stole this from tages but.....

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Jassun · Post by **Jassun** » August 13, 2002, 6:30 pm

this one is for adex...

why does the wind blow so hard in louisiana?

because texas SUCKS!

Sylience · Post by **Sylience** » August 14, 2002, 7:55 am

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sit down on a bar stool

The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says. "Hey we have a drink named after you."

the grasshopper looks up at the bartender and replies, "Really?!? You have a drink named Steve?!"

best joke ever.