How to deal with your local Homeowner's Association

Neost · Post by **Neost** » March 6, 2003, 11:43 am

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml ... mid=338538

Gurugurumaki · Post by **Gurugurumaki** » March 6, 2003, 11:45 am

security brock, prease cut and paste

Sabek · Post by **Sabek** » March 6, 2003, 11:46 am

Was cockblocked by smartfilters too.

Neost · Post by **Neost** » March 6, 2003, 11:53 am

Loyal Surf Reporter Chris from Boone, NC recently purchased a house and moved into a new neighborhood in Boone, where he's apparently made quite the first impression. Obviously concerned that Ugly Southern Stereotypes are beginning to die out, the neighbors have banded together and concluded that Chris and his family are, in fact, smoking on the devil's johnson. What follows is the letter received from the homeowner's association, and Chris's response. As hard as it may be to believe, I promise you that I haven't added anything for comedic effect... this is the real deal.

THE LETTER

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
Boone, NC 28607

Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

THE RESPONSE

June 16, 2002

Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),

I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take offense to.

I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.

I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.

As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make you thankful.

As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.

We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is necessary.

See you in hell,

Love,

Chris XXXXX

Chris has promised to keep us updated on any further developments which, I predict, will include torches, pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night. Stay tuned...

And, as promised, further developments!

LETTER TWO

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:X
Boone, NC 28607

October 25, 2002

Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.

Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner's Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.

Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our
once peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.

If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.

In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

RESPONSE TWO

November 4, 2002

Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),

I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up lights.

Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN' MY WAY .

I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.

Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don't even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.

As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren't you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

As always, love,

Chris XXXXX
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.

Kguku · Post by **Kguku** » March 6, 2003, 11:54 am

Loyal Surf Reporter Chris from Boone, NC recently purchased a house and moved into a new neighborhood in Boone, where he's apparently made quite the first impression. Obviously concerned that Ugly Southern Stereotypes are beginning to die out, the neighbors have banded together and concluded that Chris and his family are, in fact, smoking on the devil's johnson. What follows is the letter received from the homeowner's association, and Chris's response. As hard as it may be to believe, I promise you that I haven't added anything for comedic effect... this is the real deal.

THE LETTER

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
Boone, NC 28607

Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

THE RESPONSE

June 16, 2002

Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),

I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take offense to.

I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.

I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.

As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make you thankful.

As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.

We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is necessary.

See you in hell,

Love,

Chris XXXXX

Chris has promised to keep us updated on any further developments which, I predict, will include torches, pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night. Stay tuned...

And, as promised, further developments!

LETTER TWO

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:X
Boone, NC 28607

October 25, 2002

Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.

Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner's Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.

Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our
once peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.

If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.

In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

RESPONSE TWO

November 4, 2002

Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),

I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up lights.

Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN' MY WAY .

I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.

Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don't even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.

As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren't you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

As always, love,

Chris XXXXX
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.

miir · Post by **miir** » March 6, 2003, 11:57 am

, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive.

Classic

masteen · Post by **masteen** » March 6, 2003, 12:19 pm

There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

ROOFLES!

Voronwë · Post by **Voronwë** » March 6, 2003, 12:27 pm

very funny =)

Kluden · Post by **Kluden** » March 6, 2003, 12:53 pm

I just love it when people fight against Home Owners Associations. I can't believe some of the shit you are forced to do to your own land by those people.

That cowboys line was pure own though...made me shed a tear of happiness I enjoyed it so much.

Ennia · Post by **Ennia** » March 6, 2003, 12:58 pm

nice

Fairweather Pure · Post by **Fairweather Pure** » March 6, 2003, 1:18 pm

I had a friend when I was growing up that had a similar incident. His HOA group sent him a notorized, first-class letter saying that he should either remove the vehicles from his lawn, or put up a wooden privacy fence. The thing that sucked was that it's not like he was white trash with a dozen rusted wrecks parked randomly in his fromt yard. He always had 4 or less classic cars that he was in the process refurbishing and selling. They were parked next to eachother near the road.

A verbal and letter exchange continued for about a year or so, until he caved in a actually put up a wooden privacy fence.

I'll never forget the day that he had a party and invited everyone he knew to come over to his house to help paint his new fence.

Everyone painted old, rusty, badley drawn cars over the entire length of his fence. I vividly remeber painting a huge, pink ice cream truck with red and yellow polka-dots. It really, really, really, looked like shit. He left it that way for about 6 months to prove a point, and then we all came back and repainted it to match his house.

Sirensa · Post by **Sirensa** » March 6, 2003, 1:31 pm

When I was house-shopping, my biggest concern was that there was no way in hell I would ever live in a neighborhood with a homeowner's association. What a load of crap they are. I love that my neighbors mind their own business and are as anti-social as I am! Especially the one that works for Nabisco and gives me free oreos

Voronwë · Post by **Voronwë** » March 6, 2003, 1:43 pm

me personally, i would probably not want to buy a house that didnt fall under a HOA jurisdiction. Like it or not, they help insulate your investment, and i care more about that than whether i can put bullshit christmas lights up.

moreover since i dont do any of the following: put bullshit christmas lights up, farm goats in my backyard, work on rusted out Trans Ams on blocks in my front yard, since i dont do any of that , i'm not particularly worried about being harrassed by my HOA.

i bought a house in late Jan (well a square of dirt that is turning into a house) and my first choice was one that was in a neighborhood with no HOA. the house was amazing but the lot was a little funky and the house 2 doors down had a rusted out pickup in the front yard. that was pretty much why i didnt buy the house. i wasnt going to leverage myself up the ass and have some inbred cracker hold my financial life by the balls

sure there are dipshit HOAs out there, and this story is hilarious, but if all of a sudden some jerkoff wants to build a strip club behind your house, its nice to have the financial, political, and legal muscle that a HOA can bring to the table to protect your investment.

vn_Tanc · Post by **vn_Tanc** » March 6, 2003, 1:48 pm

Well thank jebus an Englishman's home is his castle! Anyone trying to tell me how to run my gaff would be met with a volley of longbows and a vat of boiling oil!
Mind you I wouldn't do stuff to annoy my neighbours because I dislike being annoyed myself.
In the news this week here there was a welsh young lady who had the town council come and sieze all of her musical and hi-fi equipment due to her penchant for playing Cliff Richard albums at deafening volumes at all hours. Now that's torture ><

Sabek · Post by **Sabek** » March 6, 2003, 1:56 pm

Sirensa wrote:Especially the one that works for Nabisco and gives me free oreos

Free Oreos are teh win.

Aabidano · Post by **Aabidano** » March 6, 2003, 2:08 pm

Sirensa wrote:When I was house-shopping, my biggest concern was that there was no way in hell I would ever live in a neighborhood with a homeowner's association.

Same here, I wanted to be able to park my boat in the back yard, leave my garage door open if I want, paint my house whatever color I feel like, park in the yard (I don't) or on the street, etc..

No one in my neighborhood has less than 1/2 an acre, and the houses are aren't cheap. It's possible some trash (white or otherwise) might move in, not likely though. You can always call the county if it's an eyesore, they're very good about coming out and citing people.

There's cows, goats, chickens, horses and an orange grove behind my house. You get used to the sounds. There've never been any smells, other than the orange blossoms at this time of year. I love it

masteen · Post by **masteen** » March 6, 2003, 2:11 pm

Aabidano = redneck IRL

Mak · Post by **Mak** » March 6, 2003, 4:43 pm

Every time I drive through a neighborhood without a HOA (and you can almost always tell which ones they are) I am glad I have one.

But, I do have more respect for people that don't want a HOA and choose their home accordingly than folks that buy wherever and ignore the CC&R's that they agreed to as part of the purchase.

Animalor · Post by **Animalor** » March 6, 2003, 4:47 pm

Makora Cusan'Dur
My favorite quote from this board to date:
"Any of you cocksuckers that are too lazy to type out the word 'you' or the word 'are' can fuck off.
That's not a language issue, that's an 'I'm a stupid motherfucker' issue." -Aranuil, October 14, 2002

Holy shit. Aranuil has a fanboi. This board has gone to hell...

Aabidano · Post by **Aabidano** » March 6, 2003, 4:57 pm

masteen wrote:Aabidano = redneck IRL

And?

I was perfectly happy for the 6 years I lived in Goose Creek SC. Deer season ran Aug 14th-Jan 5, bucks only, no-limit, 7 in possesion. We usually got 180-200 doe tags for our 66,000 acres. The county averaged 26 deer/square mile. Great fishing too. I spent nearly all my non-working hours outdoors

Too bad there's no work to speak of up there.

masteen · Post by **masteen** » March 6, 2003, 5:28 pm

When I used to go fishing up in PA, usually the only thing we'd catch was a buzz

Pilsburry · Post by **Pilsburry** » March 6, 2003, 6:41 pm

HOA's can be good or bad, it depends on the people you elect to sit in the seats. Unfortunately this dude just moved in so he didn't elect shit and he choose to live in the backwoods area of the bible belt with apparently a bunch of old biddies. That's why check out my neighbors a little when I look at homes....I take note of what the people look like and what they drive when I look at my future home.

My current home is a condo, there are 9 condos I think in my HOA, and 7 seats ont he board....right now Vice President, Secretary, and Treasurer are open seats...they want me to step up. I'm probably 15 years younger then any of these people.

It's a tough call for me....I'd like to just say "hey, I'm putting a screen on my lower deck and putting a hot tub in there" and then say "all in favor say "aye"...and then lay down a big VP "aye" and stack my votes because they all would know me well (I get along well with people IRL, I'm not social really, but it's hard to find people that I can't get along with). If they didn't know me I might not be able to pass that shit....

But I think I'm going to catch up on my credit cards first...then when I have the money to plop down on a florida room w/hot tub...I'll step up to bat for the HOA for a month or 2 hehe...pass my shit and go.

observers · Post by **observers** » March 6, 2003, 7:24 pm

Enjoyed this post, copying the text and sending to MY HoA. Awsome find.

Shaerra · Post by **Shaerra** » March 6, 2003, 7:43 pm

There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

Great stuff.