Tell me a joke!

[Spang]

A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "Sir, you've really got to stop masturbating." And he was like, "Why?" And the doctor says, "So I can examine you."

[Sylvus]

Who was the first carpenter?

[Show]

Eve. She made Adam's banana stand.

[Kilmoll the Sexy]

Guy goes in to see a psychiatrist wearing nothing but saran wrap for underwear. The doctor says, "well I can clearly see your nuts".

[Winnow]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slow."

[Zaelath]

Teacher: Johnny, can you use "urinate" in a sentence?

Johnny: Yes miss. Dad says urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten!

[Jarori Bloodletter]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here!' says the blonde.




'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blondesnatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)













"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM..."

[Spang]

A guy is driving around Boston when he sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told my congressman about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down."

"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!"

[Bubba Grizz]

What did Batman say to Robin before getting into the Batmobile?


"Hey Robin, get in the Batmobile".



(disclaimer: I don't know why that is funny but for some reason I laugh all the time at this joke.)

[Canoe]

There were two guys sitting in a bar, just bullshitting about their lives.

The first guy turns to the other and says "You know, the weirdest thing happened to me at the airport the other day. I was going up to the airline counter to head to the Steelers game, and what I mean to say was "I would like two tickets to Pittsburgh", but as I looked up, I realized the lady behind the counter was gorgeous, with a HUGE rack... so when I went to talk, instead I said "I'd like two Pickets to Tittsburgh" -it was so embarrassing."

The second guy turns to the first, and says, "you know, something similar happened to me the other day! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife, and I turned to her, and what I meant to say was "Please pass the salt and pepper", and instead I said "YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE".

[valryte]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme 10 shots of tequila.".

The bartender pours the shots and the guy starts knocking them back.

Halfway through the bartender asks the guy if he's celebrating something, to which the guy replies "my first blow job!".

The bartender says, "that's great, when your finish the next one is on me."

The guy then says, "listen, if 10 shots of tequila won't get this taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one is going to help!"

[Xyun]

Man and his wife are arguing about something trivial. The woman claims it is possible to feel happy and angry simultaneously, but the husband disagrees. He says to her, "tell me something that would make me feel happy and angry at the same time."

She says, "out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[Fairweather Pure]

Hey Sang, I told your dog joke at the office christmas party tonight and it fucking killed. All the small conversations stopped and the room was unusually silent so everyone could hear what I was saying. About half way through the joke all I could think was "none of these people are going to laugh at this", but I pressed on. When I hit the punchline, I beefed it up a bit (Because he's a goddamn liar. He never did any of that shit.) The room went wild. I felt like I kicked the winning field goal in the Super Bowl. My boss continued laughing well after the joke was over. Sure, I took a chance with swearing in front of all my coworkers and boss, but it totally paid off!

[Spang]

Good for you, man! I'm proud of you! Also, let me give you a P!

[Zamtuk]

What did Batman say to Robin before getting into the Batmobile?


"Hey Robin, get in the Batmobile".

lol that reminds me of....

"Ask me if I'm a big red fire truck."

<they ask>

"No."

[Psyloche]

There were two guys sitting in a bar, just bullshitting about their lives.

The first guy turns to the other and says "You know, the weirdest thing happened to me at the airport the other day. I was going up to the airline counter to head to the Steelers game, and what I mean to say was "I would like two tickets to Pittsburgh", but as I looked up, I realized the lady behind the counter was gorgeous, with a HUGE rack... so when I went to talk, instead I said "I'd like two Pickets to Tittsburgh" -it was so embarrassing."

The second guy turns to the first, and says, "you know, something similar happened to me the other day! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife, and I turned to her, and what I meant to say was "Please pass the salt and pepper", and instead I said "YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE".

This joke ran in Maxim a few years back. Oddly enough I was flipping through that particular copy yesterday while waiting on something or other and read it. Very strange I come here today and read this thread with the same joke!

[Canoe]

Heh funny stuff.

It's actually a joke that's been told in my family every thanksgiving for the past 15 years or so - never gets old!

I had no idea it was printed somewhere, I honestly thought my uncle made it up hah.

[Gzette]

Two buns in the oven. One bun turns to the other and says "Holy shit, it's hot in here!" The other bun replies "Holy shit, a talking bun!"

Difference between a dead baby and a delicious golden apple?

I don't cum on the delicious golden apple before I eat it.