I Got What America Needs Right Here - by Jimmy Carter

[Canelek]

From: The Onion

Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.

You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.

You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.

But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.

Cocksuckers.

Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.

Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.

You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.

Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.

So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.

You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.

[Chidoro]

[Fash]

The Onion Rules!

[Leonaerd]

Beautiful

[Nick]

As if the American version of the Office wasn't proof enough, it seems that apart from the occasional group of people (Family Guy, South Park and The Simpsons), most American's couldn't tell the difference between humour and a steaming pile of dog shit.

[Aslanna]

Yeah beacause "most Americans" equal an author and 3 people on an internet message board amirite?

[Canelek]

Wtf Nick. Don't fuck up my thread with anti-american rhetoric!

[Spang]

I couldn't tell if this was funny or just a steaming pile of shit.

[Ashur]

I thought it was hysterical.

[Fairweather Pure]

You have to read it while imagining how Casrter would say it. It's pretty damn funny.

[Canelek]

You have to read it while imagining how Casrter would say it. It's pretty damn funny.

Exactly. That is the beauty of crude satire. Jimmy Carter calling everyone 'Cocksuckers' is priceless.

[Noysyrump]

Nick doesnt get it...

You know who Jimmy is nick?

It's damn funny, because it points at the obviouse flaws of our current state. Presidential candidates who dont want do to anything actually productive, just want to be president for the sake of beeing the president to fill their ego box, and the fact that the publics memory doesnt last longer than 6 months.

edit: By the way, Happy Monica Lewinski scandal day! 10 years today that bowl of worms spilled out.

[Forthe]

I thought it was funny.

I think the Office is a steaming pile of dog shit.

[VariaVespasa]

I couldn't tell if this was funny or just a steaming pile of shit.

I can tell. Its a steaming pile of shit. Certainly it was trying to be funny, but it totally failed to capture any part of Carters actually personality or mannerisms and thus didnt create any gut connection to him to make it resonate at all. You have to actually deliberately mentally work to try to imagine it coming from Carter (and even then it rings entirely false, rather than as a humorous exageration), and, as most people can tell you, if you have to think about funny then it probably isnt. So it just comes off as crude and unamusing. It is Fail.

The Onion is often good. This isnt one of those times.

[Canelek]

Was it "cocksucker" that upset you?

[VariaVespasa]

No, it was the mindless vulgarity WITHOUT anything to connect it to Carter besides mentioning his name and Georgia. Vulgarity WITH a connection works fine-Chapelle forinstance does it succesfully a lot. This Onion article failed to make the visceral connection to Carter and thus fails.

[Canelek]

Did you have something to add or did you just want to chime in and voice your displeasure? If the latter, then conratufuckinglations on whining about our former president.

[VariaVespasa]

How, precisely, does thinking a failed humor article is, in fact, a failure equate to whining about an ex-president? I dont recall expressing any opinion about Carter one way or the other. About the article, yes, about Carter, no. And no, the article is not about Carter, it merely attempts to use his name and image; criticism of it is not criticism of Carter. You will have to troll better than that.

[Forthe]

No, it was the mindless vulgarity WITHOUT anything to connect it to Carter besides mentioning his name and Georgia. Vulgarity WITH a connection works fine-Chapelle forinstance does it succesfully a lot. This Onion article failed to make the visceral connection to Carter and thus fails.

The article does mention items from his presidency. The over the top vulgarity was (before you over analyzed) funny due to Carter's demeanor. Think Bizarro Jimmy Carter.

[Canelek]

How, precisely, does thinking a failed humor article is, in fact, a failure equate to whining about an ex-president? I dont recall expressing any opinion about Carter one way or the other. About the article, yes, about Carter, no. And no, the article is not about Carter, it merely attempts to use his name and image; criticism of it is not criticism of Carter. You will have to troll better than that.

Not trolling. You are just having a sore ass over a JC satire. It does not have to include his favorite food to be funny.

[Aslanna]

Not trolling. You are just having a sore ass over a JC satire. It does not have to include his favorite food to be funny.

You're taking this whole thing a little too personally. So someone didn't find it funny.. So fucking what.

[VariaVespasa]

No, it was the mindless vulgarity WITHOUT anything to connect it to Carter besides mentioning his name and Georgia. Vulgarity WITH a connection works fine-Chapelle forinstance does it succesfully a lot. This Onion article failed to make the visceral connection to Carter and thus fails.

The article does mention items from his presidency. The over the top vulgarity was (before you over analyzed) funny due to Carter's demeanor. Think Bizarro Jimmy Carter.

Oh I understand what it was trying to do alright, I just think it failed to make a sufficiently natural connection to Carter to be the element of truth or recognisability that all comedy relies upon, is all.

I was sorta wondering why Canalek was being so vehement about it myself really. It hardly seemed important enough to warrant his response.