Journal Entries

[Xyun]

I was reading through my journal and found some great entries. I thought it would be fun to share some of them with you all. Others who wish to share can also post them in this thread. I noticed about myself that I wrote in my journal most often when I was struggling through different ordeals. I rarely wrote when times were good or I was enjoying life. There is a lapse in my journal from Aug 3, 2003 to May 17, 2005. Almost 2 years without a single entry. There are other times when there are daily entries. My first entry is Oct. 23, 1996. Damn that was a long time ago. I had a lot of angst back then and I was also a horrible writer. Some of the things I wrote are embarrassing for me today. lol. During the early stages of my journal I have a lot of poems that I wrote, and also several quotes or song lyrics that influenced my life. There are also some really funny entries. Obviously, I'm not going to post every entry, but there are some entertaining ones here and there.

Anyway, I'll start with this one. I think it is sort of a funny entry:

April 2, 1997
Quitting job, car breaking down, grades falling, writer's block.

lol.

Here is an entry I wrote at the lowest point during our immigration ordeal. We had been denied appeal by the 10th circuit court, and our deportation was inevitable.

May 7, 1997
It's an unfortunate matter, really. A country that cannot differentiate between its assets and its parasites. And the enemy is not the mind or the heart of a human. It cannot be reasoned with, it cannot be beckoned. It's not even real. It is abstract: The System. What does that mean? The System. How can you argue with The System? How can you show your virtues to it? Oh well, complaining isn't going to solve anything... Maybe it'll turn out to be okay. But everything looks so shallow and hopeless now, I just don't know what to think anymore.

This one is 4 years later, shortly after 9-11. It's pretty long:

January 4, 2002
I made up my losses at the poker table tonight, and my ankle has almost fully healed, it turned out to be almost insignificant. Today, I learned that Karl has been activated. He's probably headed to Afghanistan to "endure freedom." I can't help but to feel pity for him. But the true depressing thought is that he chose to commit part of his life to serve his country, to stand up for the things that he believed in and fight or kill to preserve them without truly realizing what it was he was committing to at that age. I'm sure that deep inside he is proud to serve his country, but what if your country asks you to do something wrong or immoral? Then can you still be proud? I guess if you're young and don't know any better it is much easier to fight for what you think you believe in. But Karl joined at 18 and now he is 25. He is just now going through the realization and reality of adulthood, or the one that exists when you are left to make your own moral decisions. Or maybe that is just what I'm going through and hoping that he is as well. Does fighting a war with an enemy that does not exist or is abstract hinder this process for the individual?

I felt great sorrow about 9-11. I felt angry and a fierce sense of vengeance, not because I was American, but because I was human. But the tragic beauty of that day was that it not only showed the worst a human can be, but by doing so tested mankind and human civilization as it exists. The response to this act is the true test, and I feel that we are failing. It is as that one senator so eloquently put it in his Freudian slip: "This is a battle between good and evil and we will show the world that evil will prevail." A tragically humorous statement. I wonder if that man learned anything about himself that day.

I think what America is doing as a country is wrong simply because the real criminals are dead. They themselves suffered the ultimate punishment and deep inside, everybody knows this. Yet our deep anguish and pain have led us to make decisions that by action directly conflict with the very thoughts and ideals we are trying to preserve and protect, i.e. the sanctity of life.

Say a man goes on a killing spree, murdering several people including his wife and children, then kills himself. Who then is left to be blamed for it? Who will be punished? Should his parents be persecuted? Would the families of the victims be overtaken with such a sense of vengeance that they too commit the same crime? The worst human crime?

9-11 happened because of several reasons. But the prevailing reason is that capitalism taken to its extreme tells us that money sustains life, and therefore is as valuable or more valuable than life itself. Within this society, gangsters are considered criminals because they hold to this extreme. "If murder makes me richer, then I'll be a killer" -Krayzie Bone. Most of humanity, however, understands that this is inherently wrong. But then America as a country (influenced by American corporations and the military-industrial complex) violates this ideal and commits crimes under the veil of freedom. One of these crimes is the oppression of the Saudi people by its American backed dictatorship. Those who saw through this veil understood that this extreme should never be reached, and that it should be stopped or at least examined more closely. It is therefore no coincidence that those who most clearly saw through the veil and decided to do something about it were the victims of the crime. The history of these victims, namely Arabs and Muslims, is pronounced and profound. America's involvement began with the creation of Israel, the induced coup of Iran, and continued throughout the middle east all the way through the blunder they called Operation: Desert Storm. Desert storm exemplified money > life. Considering the culture of the middle east, and the crimes against them throughout the last half century, it is hardly surprising that 9-11 actually occurred. Of course the American layman will never ever understand this.

Americans mistakenly view 9-11 as an act of religious zealotry or jealousy. But the true reasons are rage, hatred, and vengeance. I now understand why it happened. It, or something like it, was going to happen sooner or later. How long will a people continue to put up with being oppressed and robbed? America should understand this better than anyone. Well someone finally drew the line and forced America to look in the mirror. A lot of us were disgusted by what we saw, but most Americans just chose to look away, far far away to a land called the middle east with nothing but vengeance on our minds.

When I think about Karl going to the middle east... well... I'm having enough trouble "enduring freedom" here in America, why would I want to do it there?

Post Script: my friend Karl served a over a year in Baghdad, he returned safely in 2004 with all his limbs attached. He finished his computer science degree and is now working as an independent contractor for an oil industry consulting firm, recreating their entire database. Anyway, I didn't want this thread to be politically driven, I posted that entry as my reaction to 9-11. If anyone wants to discuss this specific entry, please feel free to react to it in the current events forum. I'd like to preserve this thread for journal entries. Here is another one from a few days later:

January 7, 2002
I'm lonely, but I like being alone. Well... I like it more than being with any of the girls I've been with. I miss them all, actually. I miss the feelings I had for them. My heart keeps complaining, but I'm not a fool. I get into trouble, or well, my penis gets me into trouble like a fucking addiction. I have yet to find a woman that satisfies me completely (physically, emotionally, and mentally). It's always one or the other. So for now, I'm going to try to stay out of trouble as long as possible. I fear though, that my passion for life, or at least for living in the moment will make me a slut, especially after I move. I figure I might as well play if I'm moving to the playground. I don't like to break hearts, and I avoided breaking Alex's heart by sacrificing a little of myself. I hope she finds herself but I don't seem to think she ever will.

As for me, Vegas is the center of my focus. I must admit that I'm afraid, not of that city or surviving it, but of the shock of leaving everything I've known as home. What a shitty place to call home. Everything here is so fucking lame. I could fill this journal with my qualms about this place, yet I know I will miss it dearly. I don't want to call it home anymore...


I ended up never moving out to Vegas after planning it for a while. It's funny how you always think the grass will be greener somewhere else. After living in Atlanta for 2 years, I realized just how great Oklahoma was. I just moved to Tampa, and so far, I like it here better than both of the previous cities I've lived in.

Anyway, I'll post more entries from my journal depending on how prolific this thread is.

[Hayley]

I enjoyed reading your entries...despite your attacks on me personally, ages ago. You are a fantastic writer. The words really seem to gracefully flow...as if they were perfectly orchestrated. You really do have a talent, so much so that I longed to read more.

Sorry I'm not really contributing much to this topic, as I don't journal at all, but I did want to at least leave a comment.

[Xyun]

Thanks Hayley, as I said I had a lot more angst back then, and I hope I didn't offend you. I personally have always taken the approach that being offended by what anonymous people say on message boards is a sign of mental weakness. People say shit they wouldn't dare say in real life, and therefore everything here and elsewhere on the internet has to be taken with a grain of salt. Anyway, I've been seriously considering writing a book for a while, and it's mentioned in several places in my journal, but I haven't ever had enough motivation to sit down and organize my thoughts for an entire book. I think I will eventually. Anyway, I'll post a few more entries just for you since you are the only respondent.

January 16, 2002
What separates a scientist from a philosopher is that while the former concerns himself with what is good for man, the latter concerns himself with what is good for mankind. If this is actually the case, it would be wise to point out the plethora and over-crowdedness of scientists, lawyers, and politicians in America today, and the serious lack of philosophers, or philosophical leaders. This leads one to conclude that while the state of affairs in this country is pleasant, the direction is obscenely not so, and while the standard of living has gradually risen, respect for life has been equally lowered. Watching the sun rise at dawn has taken a back seat to watching the sun rise at dusk on a high definition television. Leisure and entertainment have taken precedence over thought, and thoughtful souls have a thousand new obstacles to overcome.

What has happened to our society, to our culture? In this regard I empathize with conservatives. I too feel that our culture is being polluted and something ineffable is gradually deteriorating. Yet the conservatives' approach and their solutions are offensive to intelligence. Unable to cope with the pain of their wounds, they are in an eternal search for scape goats so they can focus all of their hatred and blame on them. They fail to realize that destruction is not the answer, creation is; that hatred is not the answer, love is. Furthermore, they absorb propaganda and lies like mops on a dirty kitchen floor. They desecrated one of the weakest countries on this planet in a fit of rage, vengeance, and fury, hopelessly clinging to their ideals with blind hypocrisy. If it is true that reason separates man from animal, they have proven that they are animals, stubborn, vain, vengeful animals with a low threshold of pain. They employ reason only when they feel it will contribute to their goals and their success. And when greed demands affirmative action it is granted immediately, putting the more qualified employee out of a job.

So, this is what happens when the herd gets to elect its shepherds. Ignorant children who do not learn how to learn become ignorant adults. Living in Oklahoma, I have seen this happen all too frequently. They are blissful here precisely because of this fact. They are like the last freight car on a train being pushed or pulled by this engine or that, not knowing or even caring about their position in the grand scheme, not knowing or even caring about the quality of the engine taking them to their destination, to their fate.

Ok, here is an entry I wrote about the girl I was seeing at the time:

April 27, 2002
I must confess, there is something about Nicole that is absolutely incredible. She is a brilliant person. Unfortunately, she uses her advantage in a negative way. By that I mean she hurts people to get what she wants, and she hurts those closest to her the most. Nonetheless, she is the second person I've met in my life that I would want to bear my child(ren). I say that out of ultimate respect which is also the cause of my feelings for her. Well... that and the fact that she's drop dead gorgeous.

I want to say I'm in love with her but I'm not, merely for the fact that she is not mature. She is definitely worth the wait, or at least a very promising prospect for something truly deep and meaningful. Despite our rocky past and all the hurdles between us, there is tremendous chemistry and a glimpse of true love. A tiny seed that has taken us emotional months to create. The odds against its sprouting and cultivation are enormous, but I've seen worse odds prevail. What I do know is that the seed that we have is a very rare and precious thing, and to me, it is sacred.

Of course, we broke up. lol. Nicole and I are still friends, she is happily married and living in Japan where her husband is stationed. Ok, here is the last one for now. It is a gay poem but I figure maybe the girls and Noel will like it:

June 10, 2003

Age...

I've been a hippie and a dealer,
I've been homeless and I've been rich,
I've been a scholar and a drop out,
I've been a wizard in a fantasy world and a gamer in the real one,
Yes, I've been a player, and I played with wild wild women,
I've been through the death of two parents and the birth of true love,
I've been burned and bruised but never broken,
I've been a gambler, a servant, and a poet,
I've been high and depressed, loved and lonely,
I've traveled over a hundred-twenty miles an hour and over twelve thousand miles in six weeks,
I've been wrong, unhealthy, and reckless,
But more so I've been right, concerned, and careful,
I've been honest.
I've always been honest.
I've briefly touched euphoria...
I've escaped oppression and found hypocrisy,
I've lost intelligence and gained wisdom,
and yet...
the rest of these pages are still blank.

[Winnow]

How did I not get a journal entry for excluding you from the Howling Stones exp groups back then? : )

You never moved to Vegas but you look just like Andre Agassi who lives in Vegas so in a way, you are there.

I envy that you've written a journal over the past 10 years. I've always meant to, if only to write down dreams the next morning which otherwise fade fast from memory but never have consistently.

Keep it up!

[Xyun]

I actually have a few entries about EQ, but never about the content or the people inside the game. The entries are usually about how the game affects real life, mostly negatively, but some positive things about it.

It is never too late to start a journal. I consider VV a journal of sorts, and hope the content never gets deleted unlike the IGN board (I so wish some of those threads were preserved here). Anyway, in 10 years you will be happy you did.

[Hayley]

more more!

I liked reading about Denise...personal relationships...and possibly more personal things (that you probably wouldn't want to share with us anon folks anyway). At any rate, it's a very interesting perspective.

[Canelek]

You certainly have a gift. It is one thing to think, and another to translate. Thank you for sharing here, bud.