in need of jokes

nobody · Post by **nobody** » January 30, 2005, 10:03 pm

specifically woman bashing jokes heh? there's a chick i know that hates em and we trade male/female bashing jokes and i'm running out.

MooZilla · Post by **MooZilla** » January 30, 2005, 10:30 pm

So some dude and chick are in an elevator...and a short guy with lots of dandruff walks into the elevator. The dude tells the woman, "He could use some Head and Shoulders." The woman replies, "How do you give shoulders?.."

Cracc · Post by **Cracc** » January 30, 2005, 11:18 pm

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?

Nothing! You already told the bitch twice!

eOmniz · Post by **eOmniz** » January 30, 2005, 11:22 pm

Close Cracc, but it's "...with TWO black eyes..."

hence the twice .

Runcade · Post by **Runcade** » January 30, 2005, 11:50 pm

I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in the freezer

Mr Bacon · Post by **Mr Bacon** » January 31, 2005, 12:08 am

I like my women like I like my stab victims. Dead.

Dondo · Post by **Dondo** » January 31, 2005, 12:38 am

why dont women have driver's licenses?
because there is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

what do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
kick her

Brotha · Post by **Brotha** » January 31, 2005, 12:44 am

Q: What do you do when your woman's watch breaks?
A: Nothing there's a clock on the stove.

Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.

Q: Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
A: She was a woman

Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Anuin · Post by **Anuin** » January 31, 2005, 1:38 am

How do you fix the washing machine? Slap her and tell her to get back to work.

Pherr the Dorf · Post by **Pherr the Dorf** » January 31, 2005, 2:02 am

so this stock clerk at a supermarket walks down the frozen food aiisle and he sees this blond staring at the OJ, he asks her, "do you need any help ma'am" she says no... but continues staring at the oj he asks"is anything wrong?"she says "it says concentrate"

Tenuvil · Post by **Tenuvil** » January 31, 2005, 2:39 am

Why do women have legs:

So they don't leave a trail like a snail

nobody · Post by **nobody** » January 31, 2005, 3:19 am

holy crap, these blow mine out of the water. thanks guys.

a newlywed couple are on a honeymoon. on the way to the cottage they are going to stay at they decide to take a carriage ride. just as they start out the horse stubbles and shakes the carriage. the husband gets someone annoyed and says "that's one". the new wife thinks it is odd but ignores it. again on the way the horse stumnles and shakes the carriage again. the husband some what more frustrated says "that's two". the wife is beggining to get upset but shrugs it of. after all it is their honeymoon. as they are turning the corner the horse stubbles one more time and the carriage shakes. the husband, obviosly upset pulls out a gun and shoots the horse. freaking out the wife jumps down and screams at him, asking what the fuck he is doing. calmly he turns to he and says "that's once."

cadalano · Post by **cadalano** » January 31, 2005, 9:10 am

cadalano · Post by **cadalano** » January 31, 2005, 9:11 am

dbl :{

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:00 am

I like my women like I like my coffee, bitter and murky.

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:03 am

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands
on
her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is
guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general and all in the name of humor! The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to
apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking
to that little shit on your knee!"

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:05 am

She was Soooooooo Blonde..................

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says
"Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she
slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice
instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that
said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went
home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be
speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in
the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she
thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:10 am

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses.
Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward
to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to
see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person
doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back,
there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame.
How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting
as though nothing had happened, she smiles back
and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very
sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you
are gonna shit your pants when you hear the price."

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:11 am

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:13 am

Women Are Like....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.

...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.

...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.

...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:15 am

High Tech

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>a Group Of Women Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly
>there Was A Beeping Sound. The German Woman Pressed Her Forearm And The

>beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "that Was My
>pager," She Said, " I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."
> A Few
>minutes Later, A Phone Rang.. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her
>palm To Her Ear And Took The Call. When She Finished She
>explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In
>my Hand." The Kentucky Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. She
>decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She
>stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She
>returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her
>behind. The Other Women Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At
>her. The Kentucky Woman Said, "well, Will You Look At That?
>i'm Gettin' A Fax".

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:27 am

Seven Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and
hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear"

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead Well, the blonde
is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she
does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to
her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her
US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the
porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all
my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:29 am

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, and used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made there way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:36 am

A DEAD BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY ", I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answers after each toss.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch
dogs!"

Knarlz · Post by **Knarlz** » January 31, 2005, 10:42 am

JOE ENTERED THE BUS WITH BOTH OF HIS FRONT POCKETS FULL OF GOLF BALLS AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO, OF ALL PEOPLE A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE.

THE BLONDE KEPT LOOKING QUIZZICALLY AT HIM AND HIS BULGING POCKETS. FINALLY, AFTER MANY SUCH GLANCES FROM HER, HE SAID, "IT'S GOLF BALLS."

STILL, THE BLONDE CONTINUED TO LOOK AT HIM THOUGHTFULLY, AND FINALLY, NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTAIN HER CURIOSITY ANY LONGER, ASKED: "DOES IT HURT AS MUCH AS TENNIS ELBOW?"

Shaerra · Post by **Shaerra** » January 31, 2005, 12:59 pm

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck by lightning. The passengers start to panic. One woman loses it...she stands up in the front of the plane and yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??'

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. 'I can make you feel like a woman,' he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and green eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: 'Iron this.'

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » January 31, 2005, 1:01 pm

Shaerra

That was the best woman bashing joke I could come up with. I think it's a doozy.

Shaerra · Post by **Shaerra** » January 31, 2005, 1:36 pm

sarlen · Post by **sarlen** » January 31, 2005, 1:46 pm

What does a woman do right after she gets out of the womens abuse shelter?

The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

Akaran_D · Post by **Akaran_D** » January 31, 2005, 1:47 pm

Annnnd that means something, Shae?
You think by posting his picture you've managed some sort of intellectual superiority over Dregor? Because if you dislike someone it's ok to go after them if they're fat, or they're religious, or they're a vapid whore - and by posting a picture it's supposed to instill some sort of self shame from one of those three things?

Oh no, a picture is on the intarweb. Oh dear. Clearly, his ability to reason is struck down by a collection of ones and zeros that proves you have a higher intellectual, physical, spiritual, and social standing than he does. I mean, it took so much effort to figure out how to post a picture, that's like.

Dang, that's deep. I don't know if he'll ever be able to come up with a way to counter your unstoppable juggernaught that so boldly proclaims, 'I'm so shallow the only thing I can do is show him a picture of himself while I cry about my scabby vagina.'

I hope peace will one day be with you Shae, because it's fairly obvious that you don't have it yet.

And Dregor.
Your post was probably the lamest piece of trollbait I've seen in weeks.
2/10

Fash · Post by **Fash** » January 31, 2005, 1:57 pm

all ugly.

Shaerra · Post by **Shaerra** » January 31, 2005, 2:03 pm

Akaran_D wrote:And Dregor.
Your post was probably the lamest piece of trollbait I've seen in weeks.
2/10

Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back, sport...yours was just as lame.

And I didn't attack anyone, I simply linked a pic. You're the one associating Dregor with being fat, religious, shameful or a vapid whore.

You lose at Rorschach.

(that wuz inkblotz u stoopid bich!!1!1!eleven!!1 LOLLZ)

Akaran_D · Post by **Akaran_D** » January 31, 2005, 2:06 pm

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't quite associate him with being a vapid whore, or even religious. Just providing generalizations of the type of people that people like you seem to get the most enjoyment from emulating or harassing.

You lose at reading comprehension.

Fash · Post by **Fash** » January 31, 2005, 2:09 pm

Dregor needs not your defense.... and yeah you did kinda screw up with teh 'generalizations'.

Akaran_D · Post by **Akaran_D** » January 31, 2005, 2:11 pm

and by posting a picture it's supposed to instill some sort of self shame from one of those three things?

Read people, it's not that hard.

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » January 31, 2005, 2:13 pm

Go Shae go! : )

Shae posts a funny joke and Dregor goes all pork chop on her for no reason.

fnord points: +10

Weak trolling at best.

Shaerra · Post by **Shaerra** » January 31, 2005, 2:15 pm

Akaran_D wrote:Correct me if I'm wrong

Ok, you're wrong.

Again, I just linked a pic, you're the one that associated all of those negative things with poor innocent Dregor. And I can see how you would think that I am harassing HIM since once again, he started talking shit about me...completely unprovoked. I respond to 1 of 5 or so of his posts talking shit about me, and there's always one of you dumbfucks that accuse me of picking on him.

Run, don't walk, Akaran! Save Dregor from the endless barrage of attacks from Shaerra! But don't forget to demoralize him in the process.

With friends like Akaran, who needs enemas?

Akaran_D · Post by **Akaran_D** » January 31, 2005, 2:18 pm

Har, if you think Dregor is a friend of mine.

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » January 31, 2005, 2:31 pm

Akaran_D wrote:Har, if you think Dregor is a friend of mine.

This is true. kyoukan groupies hate you for making her realize her own stupidity in overreacting to a lame edit in a post (which you apologized for) causing her to run away from the board due to her ridiculous ultimatum. Dregor sucks that group's asses so therefore you have zero chance of ever being a pal with Dregor unless you become pals with the people he sucks up to first. If you can do that, Dregor will be your bitch. I'm not sure why you'd want that unless you like some sort of bizarre fetish requiring it.

DRAMA!

Shaerra · Post by **Shaerra** » January 31, 2005, 2:45 pm

One day, we'll find out that Akaran and Michael Jackson are actually the same person!

Think about it...

Akaran has a mummy for his avatar, MJ looks like a mummy with the nose bandages.
You never see them both in the same place at the same time!
Both like sex with young boys.

Akaran_D · Post by **Akaran_D** » January 31, 2005, 2:49 pm

If by young, you mean co-ed, and by boy, you mean girl, and by sex, you mean... ok, that part can stand as is.

I do bust a pretty mean moonwalk though, so maybe...

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » January 31, 2005, 3:00 pm

Me and Britho were throwing down, yo. Good times that was, partying with friends. It's ok Shaerra, you can live vicariously through others lives. We know you've had a tough life.

*~*stragi*~* · Post by ***~*stragi*~*** » January 31, 2005, 3:31 pm

that picture is cute)

oh and for future refrence shae, when retarding bitch, it's either B*TCH or BITHC

nobody · Post by **nobody** » January 31, 2005, 5:30 pm

you bastards hijacked and dreailed this thread.

either way, the expression on her face after just a few of those was priceless.

Xzion · Post by **Xzion** » January 31, 2005, 6:02 pm

What do Dale Earnhart, Pink Floyd,a nd Princess Diana have in common?

there last greatest hit was the wall

nobody · Post by **nobody** » January 31, 2005, 6:34 pm

why did micheal jackson go to wal mart

[Show]: he heard that little boy's pants were half off

Maxxer - Valhall · Post by **Maxxer - Valhall** » January 31, 2005, 7:14 pm

Gonna try and translate this one from teh swedelandish... Bare with teh spelling and choise of words :p

3 blondes went in to a bar, all dressed up and ready to party.
They order one round of shots, got them served, shouted "18 MONTHS!" and downed them.
They cheered and laughed and ordered another round of shots, shouted "18 MONTHS!" and downed them.
The bartender became curious and asked them what they were celabrating.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and the box sad 2-3 years, but we finished it in 18 months!"

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » January 31, 2005, 7:28 pm

Maxxer - Valhall wrote:Gonna try and translate this one from teh swedelandish... Bare with teh spelling and choise of words

3 blondes went in to a bar, all dressed up and ready to party.
They order one round of shots, got them served, shouted "18 MONTHS!" and downed them.
They cheered and laughed and ordered another round of shots, shouted "18 MONTHS!" and downed them.
The bartender became curious and asked them what they were celabrating.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and the box sad 2-3 years, but we finished it in 18 months!"

I laughed! : )

Your translation was almost perfect. If this is a Swedish joke, I think you left out a word: "3 Danish blondes"

MooZilla · Post by **MooZilla** » January 31, 2005, 9:01 pm

Knarlz wrote:I like my women like I like my coffee, bitter and murky.

Nah, i like owmen like i like MY coffee. Dark, rough, and strong.

a_guide · Post by **a_guide** » January 31, 2005, 11:15 pm

MooZilla wrote:
Knarlz wrote:I like my women like I like my coffee, bitter and murky.
Nah, i like owmen like i like MY coffee. Dark, rough, and strong.

Thats not a joke, it's a cheesy pick-up line.