A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
TGIF joke thread
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Fairweather Pure
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Bubba Grizz
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Keverian FireCry
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- Joined: July 3, 2002, 6:41 pm
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- Location: Seattle, WA
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain
Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became
frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red
shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock,
the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated
the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck
recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the
captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in
the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood.
Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage
and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout
spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships
approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence
at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant
orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the
vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without
fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown
pants."
Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became
frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red
shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock,
the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated
the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck
recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the
captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in
the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood.
Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage
and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout
spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships
approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence
at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant
orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the
vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without
fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown
pants."
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by just a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen... and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "Sure..." And sinks the putt...
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole..."
The same stranger appears by his side and says, "And would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "I guess so..." And he makes an eagle...
On the 18th hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win... Though he says nothing, the stranger strolls over to his side, cocks an eyebrow, and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer looks him straight in the eye and says, "Certainly!"... And makes the eagle...
As the golfer walks to the club house, the mysterious stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am... But that's the way I operate... I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer...
"And by the way... the name's O'Malley..... Father O'Malley..."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen... and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "Sure..." And sinks the putt...
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole..."
The same stranger appears by his side and says, "And would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "I guess so..." And he makes an eagle...
On the 18th hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win... Though he says nothing, the stranger strolls over to his side, cocks an eyebrow, and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer looks him straight in the eye and says, "Certainly!"... And makes the eagle...
As the golfer walks to the club house, the mysterious stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am... But that's the way I operate... I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer...
"And by the way... the name's O'Malley..... Father O'Malley..."
This guy is sitting at the Bar, the Bartender comes over and says "what will it be buddy?"
The guy says "I'll bet you $200 I can Bite my eye"
The bartender says "your on"
The guy pops out his glass eye and bites it, the bartender laughes and says "ok you got me" and he pays him the $200
The guy says "tell ya what, i'll bet you $500 I can bite my other eye" the bartender tosses the guy a towel and he catches it and says "your on, you cant have two glass eyes" so the guy pops out his False teeth and bites his other eye.
This time the Bartender is really bummed out, so the guy says Tell you what that wasn't really fair, i'll bet you $1000 that I can slide this shot glass down the bar, run beside and pee in it without spilling a drop.
The bartender says "this is probally another trick but what the hell, your on" so the guy slides the shotglass down the bar and runs along side peeing, he totally misses and pee's all over the bar, the bartender starts jumping up and down cheering with a big grin on his face, he just won all his money back and then some, just then he sees another dude slam his hands down on the table on the other side of the room , get up and walk out all pissed off so the bartender says to the guy as he was collecting his money "hmm , Wonder what that was all about?"
The guy says "oh him? I just bet him $5000 I could piss all over the bar and you'd be happy about it"
The guy says "I'll bet you $200 I can Bite my eye"
The bartender says "your on"
The guy pops out his glass eye and bites it, the bartender laughes and says "ok you got me" and he pays him the $200
The guy says "tell ya what, i'll bet you $500 I can bite my other eye" the bartender tosses the guy a towel and he catches it and says "your on, you cant have two glass eyes" so the guy pops out his False teeth and bites his other eye.
This time the Bartender is really bummed out, so the guy says Tell you what that wasn't really fair, i'll bet you $1000 that I can slide this shot glass down the bar, run beside and pee in it without spilling a drop.
The bartender says "this is probally another trick but what the hell, your on" so the guy slides the shotglass down the bar and runs along side peeing, he totally misses and pee's all over the bar, the bartender starts jumping up and down cheering with a big grin on his face, he just won all his money back and then some, just then he sees another dude slam his hands down on the table on the other side of the room , get up and walk out all pissed off so the bartender says to the guy as he was collecting his money "hmm , Wonder what that was all about?"
The guy says "oh him? I just bet him $5000 I could piss all over the bar and you'd be happy about it"
-
Guest
A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5-year-old, "I think it's
about time we start swearing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I'm going to say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your
ass it won't be Cheerios!"
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5-year-old, "I think it's
about time we start swearing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I'm going to say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your
ass it won't be Cheerios!"
-
Aeril Crimsonhawk
- No Stars!
- Posts: 3
- Joined: October 18, 2002, 2:42 pm
- Location: Texas
A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman are all sitting at a bar, when a fly suddenly begins to land in their drinks. He lands first in the Frenchman's glass of wine.
"Waiter!" calls the Frenchman. "Get me a new glass of wine! This one is has been soiled by a fly."
By the time the Frenchman was done shouting, the fly had moved no and landed in the German's beer. With a shrug, the German blew a puff of air at the fly, and it flew away.
"No sence to let a little fly ruin my beer"
The fly flew straight into the whiskey of the Irishman, who immediately grabbed the fly by its wings, holding it upside down, shaking it, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!"
"Waiter!" calls the Frenchman. "Get me a new glass of wine! This one is has been soiled by a fly."
By the time the Frenchman was done shouting, the fly had moved no and landed in the German's beer. With a shrug, the German blew a puff of air at the fly, and it flew away.
"No sence to let a little fly ruin my beer"
The fly flew straight into the whiskey of the Irishman, who immediately grabbed the fly by its wings, holding it upside down, shaking it, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!"
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Bubba Grizz
- Super Poster!
- Posts: 6121
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 12:52 pm
- Gender: Male
- Location: Green Bay, Wisconsin
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch.
"It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch.
"It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.