-My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
-The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
-If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.
-How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None, it should be open by the time she brings it over.
-How do you knock a clown off of a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe...
Thank you and goodnight!
Joramile Doomdragon
Ex-Veeshan player
60 Shaman of the Tribunal
"If our paths should cross again, then my job is yet to be finished." ~My Own Demented Little Mind
A plane carrying the Pope, Al Gore, Arnold Shwarzenegger and a boy scout just blew out one of its engines.
The pilot runs out and informs his passangers that there are a total of 4 parachutes onboard, grabs one of them and jumps out.
The pope looks around and says that his reason to live is because after all he is the religious leader of Catholic, takes a chute and jumps out.
Al Gore explains how he's the most briliant white man in the world, having invented the internet and all...takes one of the chute bags and jumps.
Arnold looks down at the poor boy...and in his thick accent says for the scout to take the final chute and jump.After all being a movie star, he already had the best life has to offer.
The boy scout replies.
-Dont worry about the chutes Arnold, the world's smartest white guy just jumped with my knapsack.
-The shortest way to someone's heart is trough a boot in their ass.
-I am the prodigal who will not succumb.
-Im in the mood for something strong, Im in a mood for total war.
-Break the glass with my fist and watch the blood drip onto the floor.
-The shortest way to someone's heart is trough a boot in their ass.
-I am the prodigal who will not succumb.
-Im in the mood for something strong, Im in a mood for total war.
-Break the glass with my fist and watch the blood drip onto the floor.
Three blondes are trapped on a desert isle. They're walking along together when one of them kicks a lamp which had been partially submerged in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish!"
The first blonde says, "I wish I were smarter."
The genie turns her into a redhead and she swims off the island.
The second blonde says, "I wish I were smarter than her."
The genie turns her into a brunette and she proceeds to build a boat and sail off the island.
The last blonde says, "I wish I were even smarter than both of them put together."
The genie turns the last blonde into a man, and the man walks across the bridge.
Last edited by noel on October 5, 2002, 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Three hunters are up in the mountains, drunk as lords and looking for deer. Finally after hours of downing lite beer one of them gets off a lucky shot and downs a magnificent looking buck. The 3 hunters drag it back to the truck and proceed to gut it and clean it, putting all the innards into a garbage to dispose of later.
On the way home, the hunter that drank the most beer demands a pit stop so he can relieve himself, so the other two hunters wait in the truck for him to come back. Ten minutes goes by.. and then another ten, and he never shows up, so one of them goes out into the trees to see what's going on. A couple minutes later he comes back laughing and tells the other hunter to come with him. Both of them go around into a clearing to see the first hunter passed out against a tree, pants around his ankles and snoring like a diesel engine.
One of the other hunters gets a bright idea and quickly runs back to the truck, grabbing the garbage bag full of deer innards and proceeds to lay out a huge disgusting pile of slimy deer entrails right between the legs of the passed out hunter. Snickering loudly, the two drunkards return to the truck to wait.
A long time later, the first hunter returns back to the truck with a bewildered look on his face.. his complexion pale white.
"What the hell took you so long?" says one of the other hunters, smiling to broadly.
"Well," says the first man, the last thing I remember was squatting in the woods and taking a dump.. then everything went blank.. and the next thing I knew I had somehow shat out my intestines.
"Jesus Bill," the third man says, hardly containing his laughter "That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard!"
"Yep," the poor hunter says. Then he brightens up considerably, holds his index and middle finger up proudly and says, "But with the grace of Almighty God and these two fingers I got them all back up in place!"
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with 2.50
That fuckin' whore...
Joramile Doomdragon
Ex-Veeshan player
60 Shaman of the Tribunal
"If our paths should cross again, then my job is yet to be finished." ~My Own Demented Little Mind
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuck do you think?"
What did one tampon say to the other tampon when they walked into the bar?
nothing, they where both stuck up cunts.
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic and a spanking.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch
Top 25 Country Classics:
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
1. Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: That’s true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage,it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman’s arm soon have arms in woman’s sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.
19. “I married Miss right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”
20. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: “I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE.” “WHAT HAPPENED?” asked his friend. He says “MY WIFE FOUND OUT.”
23. WIFE: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: “AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?” The other replied, “YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.”
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
26. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!
A saleswoman is driving toward home in northern Arizona
when she sees an elderly Native American Indian woman
walking on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and
the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk,
the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.
"What's in the bag?" asks the Indian woman.
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the saleswoman.
The Indian woman is silent for a moment and then says "Good trade."
That's not funny. I'm not laughing. 
