Funny Hero Chat Log

[noel]

Doubt this was really seen in game but...

While heading to use the train tracks there was a person that was next the the phones that must have had macro's set up while he was afk or something and this is what I was able to recover while I stayed and listened

Ascendant: Hello, is this the offices of Saul Rubenstien, Agent to Paragon's Elite?
Ascendant: Great. Can I speak to him? I'm a client.
Ascendant: Ascendant. No, with an 'A'. D-A-N-T.
Ascendant: Ok, I'll hold.
Ascendant: --lor said 'Brandy, you're a fine girl, what a good wife you would be, but my life, my love and m--
Ascendant: Hello, Saul, it's Ascendant.
Ascendant: No, the one with an 'A'.
Ascendant: I'm glad you asked. I've been going over these products you've sent me---
Ascendant: Right, for the merchandizing campaign...
Ascendant: Well, no, they aren't. That's why I'm calling, actually.
Ascendant: I'm not really happy with them.
Ascendant: Well, for starters, there's the breakfast cereal.
Ascendant: Right, Ascendant-O's.
Ascendant: Ok, it says here on the box 'Includes Xenonite, the Secret Source of Ascendant's Power'.
Ascendant: Well, for one thing, Xenonite is NOT the secret source of my powers.
Ascendant: No, Saul... No, it isn't. Trust me on this.
Ascendant: Saul, Xenonite TAKES AWAY my powers.
Ascendant: Yeah, it does. In fact, if I'm exposed to it too long, it could kill me.
Ascendant: I dunno. It's got something to do with radioactivity, I think.
Ascendant: Anyway, I poured a bowl of Ascendant-O's yesterday to see what they taste like and nearly died before I could finish adding the milk.
Ascendant: Well, if the cat hadn't come along and eaten it all, I would have, Saul.
Ascendant: My point is that we aren't going to be selling Ascendant-O's...
Ascendant: Because, Saul, I'm not putting on a lead suit every time I have to go to the cereal aisle in the grocery store.
Ascendant: I don't care if you have already have a lot of pre-orders for it.
Ascendant: Really? How much?
Ascendant: From who?
Ascendant: Ok... Right... Yeah... Uh huh... Him, too? Really?
Ascendant: Yeah, well the problem here is that all those guys you just mentioned are supervillains, Saul.
Ascendant: Yes, even him. I just beat him up like an hour ago for trying to poison the city's water supply.
Ascendant: I don't care if his check cleared, Saul. That's not the point...
Ascendant: Well, of course they're going to use it to try and kill me, Saul.
Ascendant: Why else would a bunch of supervillains want a kid's cereal laced with the one rare radioactive element I'm vulnerable to?
Ascendant: No, I don't think they just want a well balanced breakfast.
Ascendant: Ok, as far as I'm concerned, this is a dead issue, Saul. Big NO on Ascendant-O's.
Ascendant: Moving on: The Ascendant action figure.
Ascendant: No, I'm very disappointed, actually.
Ascendant: Well, for starters, it comes with a laser sword and a talking dinosaur that I supposedly ride into battle.
Ascendant: I don't have either one of those things, Saul.
Ascendant: I don't care if the focus groups thought it would be cool.
Ascendant: That's utterly ridiculous, Saul.
Ascendant: Yes, it is. For one thing, where am I going to get a laser sword? Or a talking dinosaur, for that matter?
Ascendant: Fine, whatever. Anyway, I'm also a little concerned about the fact that it features 'Burning Halo Action'...
Ascendant: Right, but aside from the fact that I don't actually have that power--
Ascendant: No, Saul, I don't.
Ascendant: I'd know it if I did, Saul, trust me.
Ascendant: --Aside from the fact that I don't have anything like a Burning Halo power, do you really think it's a good idea to sell kids an action figure that can spotaneously burst into flame?
Ascendant: I see... Well, we're going to hold on that until I approve a redesign.
Ascendant: Moving on. The Ascendant Cave Action Playset.
Ascendant: Yeah, I actually like this thing. It doesn't look anything like my apartment, but it's pretty cool, I guess.
Ascendant: What do you mean they changed the name so it could fit on the box?
Ascendant: Well, sure, I guess Ascendant Cave Action Playset is a little long, but couldn't they use a smaller font?
Ascendant: Fine, so what do they call it now? The Action Cave? Ascendant's Lair? What?
Ascendant: The A-Hole?!?!?!
Ascendant: Why on Earth would they call it the A-Hole, Saul?
Ascendant: Yes, I understand the 'A' is short for Ascendant, you moron, but why not call it the A-Cave? or the A-Lair?
Ascendant: Uh huh... Yeah... I see...
Ascendant: Well, we're NOT calling my secret headquarters the A-Hole, Saul, and that's final.
Ascendant: Because I don't want people to hear the word 'Ascendant' and immediately think 'A-Hole'.
Ascendant: Ok, moving on. The Ascendant Action Hour TV Show.
Ascendant: Right. I actually like the opening animation of me that you've put together.
Ascendant: Right, the one where I'm sheathed in a burning halo of flame, riding around the city on a talking dinosaur, hitting bad guys with my laser sword and eating chunks of raw Xenonite.
Ascendant: I mean, that's still not anything remotely close to real life, but I guess it looks pretty cool and the theme song is pretty catchy, so I'll let it pass for now.
Ascendant: It's the rest of the show that I have problems with, Saul.
Ascendant: Well, for one thing, outside of the opening theme part, the show itself is apparently just old episodes of Nightline, except every time someone says 'Ted Koppel', you dub over it with 'Ascendant'.
Ascendant: I don't care if each episode only costs $22.50 plus shipping to make, Saul. In fact, I don't think you can even legally broadcast it.
Ascendant: What offshore Pirate transmitter?
Ascendant: Saul, that's a federal offence.
Ascendant: Yes... Yes, it is.
Ascendant: Yes, someone WILL care... They're called the FCC, Saul.
Ascendant: Look, Saul, I've got to fire you.
Ascendant: I don't see where you've left me much choice, Saul.
Ascendant: You're selling cereal that can kill me to my archenemies, you've made my action figure not only ludicrous but potentially lethal to kids, and you're comitting felonies by broadcasting illegal transmissions of Nightline from off shore.
Ascendant: Oh, and I almost forgot, you're selling an action playset which proudly proclaims on the box that 'Ascendant stores all of his most precious items inside his incredible A-Hole.'
Ascendant: And worst of all, my name is stamped all over all of this, Saul... I'm the one who's going to be sued, or killed, or arrested... Maybe in that order, too.
Ascendant: Saul...
Ascendant: Saul...
Ascendant: Stop crying Saul...
Ascendant: Look... I know you tried your best.
Ascendant: (Sigh)... Ok, Fine...
Ascendant: Look, Ok, but just one more chance, Saul....
Ascendant: Just don't do anything more until we can have a meeting, Saul.
Ascendant: No... For the last time, NO Broadway musical! Don't even MENTION that idea again.
Ascendant: Ok, bye.

http://boards.cityofheroes.com/showflat ... art=1&vc=1

[Ebumar]

Ha, that's pretty cleaver...

Thats what I love most about this game, the roleplaying aspect.

[masteen]

That's some good stuff right there.

[Animale]

Very much like Bob Newhart's old standup. Extremely funny.

Animale

[masteen]

More Ascendant goodness has been added to the thread. He's one funny mofo.

[noel]

paste plz kthx!

[masteen]

Ascendant: Hello, is this Paragon Medical Insurance?
Ascendant: Great. Look, I'm calling about--
Ascendant: Ascendant.
Ascendant: No, with an 'A'. D-A-N-T. I'm calling because--
Ascendant: My policy number is 5403304-323B3. Look, I'm calling about---
Ascendant: I wear an 11 1/2, I think, but what does that have to do with--
Ascendant: --land she rode, On a pony she named Wildfire, A whirlwind--
Ascendant: Hello? Yes, I've been on hold for--
Ascendant: --the pony she named Wildfire busted down his stall--
Ascendant: Hello? No, don't put me on hold aga--
Ascendant: She ran calling Wiiiiild fire, Calling Wiiiiild--
Ascendant: LOOK, DO NOT PUT ME ON HOLD AGAIN!
Ascendant: Ok, thanks, that's better. I'm calling about the HMO plan.
Ascendant: I'm on the Platinum Extreme Double Secret Maximum Super Care Plan... No, the basic one.
Ascendant: Well, I've got some problems with it, specifically your doctors.
Ascendant: Ok, as I understand it, the only way I can get insurance to cover my medical bills is if I visit a program-approved doctor, right?
Ascendant: That's what I thought. But I'm have some concerns about the doctors you keep recommending.
Ascendant: Well, I think some of them may be working for the Vahzilok...
Ascendant: Yes, I'm sure Paragon Medical Insurance has a great screening process, but I'm still a bit suspicious about some of your doctors.
Ascendant: Well, Dr. Mort I. Ficator, for one.
Ascendant: I don't care if he has great credentials, I think he works for the Vahzilok.
Ascendant: Well, for starters, don't you think it's a little odd that his offices are in the sewers?
Ascendant: Yes, I'm sure that rent must be very cheap...
Ascendant: Yes, I guess it is also very convenient to superheroes on sewer missions, but--
Ascendant: Fine, Ok... Well what about the fact that all of his staff is made up entirely of Abominations wearing nurse's outfits?
Ascendant: No, they were Abominations.
Ascendant: Look, I think I know the difference between a hideous biomechanically-animated corpse and a big-boned woman...
Ascendant: Uh huh... I see... Ok...
Ascendant: Well, I guess they *could* have been from Wisconsin...
Ascendant: Ok, what about the fact that every time I've visited Dr. Ficator, he recommends removing my organs?
Ascendant: No, all of them.
Ascendant: Yes, even those.
Ascendant: How could that possibly be a safe medical treatment?
Ascendant: Well, I'm not a doctor, either, but--
Ascendant: Yes, I tried asking for a second opinion. He referred me to his colleague, Dr. K. Daver.
Ascendant: No, his offices were in the next sewer over.
Ascendant: No, Dr. Daver didn't really suggest anything, he just kept rubbing his hands together and mumbling about my delicious brain.
Ascendant: I'm sorry, what was that?
Ascendant: What do you mean, nothing?
Ascendant: No, I'm pretty certain when I said 'Brain' just then, you said, 'Mmm... brain'.
Ascendant: There! You just did it again!
Ascendant: Yes you did.
Ascendant: Ok... Brain!
Ascendant: See! Right there!
Ascendant: Wait a minute! I know what's going on here! Dr. Vahzilok has somehow infiltrated Paragon Medical Insurance--
Ascendant: --She ran calling Wiiiiild--Fire!! Calling Wiiiild--Fire!! Calling Wiiii-ii-iii-iiild--Fir--
Ascendant: Hello? Who am I talking to?
Ascendant: Ok, Mr. Dolon, listen very carefully. I have reason to suspect that the person I was just talking with is working for Dr. Vahzilok. You need to calmly exit the building--
Ascendant: What do you mean, of course he does?
Ascendant: Your entire staff does?
Ascendant: Ok... Yes... Sure...
Ascendant: I never thought about it, but sure, I guess replacing your office staff with the undead would save a lot of money in the long run, but--
Ascendant: Uh huh... Ok... Right...
Ascendant: Well, it's terrifically immoral for one thing. Some might say it's downright evil.
Ascendant: Why are you laughing?
Ascendant: Ok, hehe, yeah, I guess for a moment I *did* forget I was talking to an Insurance Company. Point taken.
Ascendant: I'm still going to have to report you to the authorities, though.
Ascendant: Look, stop laughing, this is serious.
Ascendant: If you think the government is just going to stand around while some huge corporation puts the population at danger for the sake of making a quick buck--
Ascendant: I'm going to ask you one last time to stop laughing.
Ascendant: Fine, you're right. Who am I kidding?
Ascendant: Well, how about you at least give me a break on my rates then? Say, like 10%?
Ascendant: (click) Hello?
Ascendant: Hello?
Ascendant: Dang it.

[masteen]

And here's the speech he gave at the Rikti invasion at the end of beta.

Ascendant: The Rikti think we're broken.
Ascendant: They're wrong.
Ascendant: They think we're beaten.
Ascendant: They're wrong.
Ascendant: They think they've won.
Ascendant: And I say again to you, Paragon City, they're wrong.
Ascendant: They're new here, so they haven't seen the way we come together in a crisis.
Ascendant: They don't know the strength we possess in times of need.
Ascendant: They don't understand that we are at our best when things are at their worst.
Ascendant: There's a steel in us that they've overlooked.
Ascendant: A steel forged by adversity
Ascendant: A steel tempered by hardship.
Ascendant: A steel that they haven't seen yet.
Ascendant: But I promise you, they're about to.
Ascendant: We speak in many voices, in many languages, but today we have one message:
Ascendant: we will be free, no matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice.
Ascendant: A nation of fighters
Ascendant: Today, this planet has no boarders. No countries.
Ascendant: We are all united as one nation.
Ascendant: A nation of Earth.
Ascendant: And this place
Ascendant: --here--
Ascendant: where it all started, and where it will ultimately end, is that nation's capitol.
Ascendant: They'll learn the hard way that this is the wrong town to attack.
Ascendant: This not a city of cowards.
Ascendant: This is not a city of people content to live in fear.
Ascendant: This is a city of champions.
Ascendant: This is a city of heroes.
Ascendant: Now, lets go kick these ugly alien bastards off our planet.