Need help

MooZilla · Post by **MooZilla** » April 26, 2004, 7:47 pm

I really dont know what to do.

Theres this really good girl friend of mine (two words) and she has been in this relationship with her boyfriend for maybe a year.

I just found out that he beats her. Badly. Even if she just did a small thing that was wrong, or suspected, he would beat her. She says that it's an anger management problem.

She told me that she broke up with the guy, but every time she tried to before ,he would rape her and nearly kill her. She's also tried to get him help for his problem, yet it would end in the same result (trying to suffocate with a pillow, push down the stairs, etc.) This part I dont understand: She still says she loves him, even though he does this, because they used to have happy times together.

From what i can get out of all of this, the boyfriend (ex-boyfriend as of now) is a sick bastard and should be chained to a tree, and have rabid dogs set on him. I've given her the best advice i can: Talk to a parent about it, or somebody she really trusts (such as me) I really think she should call the cops. I'm so confused and lost...What do I tell her? I've tried my best to console her and just help her understand whats going on.

Keverian FireCry · Post by **Keverian FireCry** » April 26, 2004, 7:57 pm

You should call the cops if she doesnt. Put that fucker in jail. Let him be the rape victim.

Canoe · Post by **Canoe** » April 26, 2004, 8:01 pm

The best "you" can do is what you are doing... console her... be there for her.

However - if there truly is fear he will come after her, please please please convince her to call the cops. Past history alone by the sound of it will put him away as long as she sticks to her guns.

I'm not a lawyer (would love to hear from aaeamdar on this one), but i'm pretty sure if the call comes from you... and she doesn't press charges, then it's a moot point... you need to get her on board with calling the cops and pressing charges - put this fucker away for a long long time.

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » April 26, 2004, 8:09 pm

She should talk to her parents before going to the cops, assuming she has a decent relationship with them. Getting them in for support will make going to the cops a lot easier. But definitely should go to the cops if that's all true, and you as a friend should keep (gently) pushing her to get the help.

Nilaman · Post by **Nilaman** » April 26, 2004, 8:13 pm

I got it.

Get a gun and shoot him. Then shoot yourself.

Drolgin Steingrinder · Post by **Drolgin Steingrinder** » April 26, 2004, 8:41 pm

Wow, Nilaman. You're an idiot.

Ravenwind · Post by **Ravenwind** » April 26, 2004, 8:56 pm

if you are sure he is hitting her then call the cops. Sometimes people who are in relationships do not see that it is bad for them and that he and or she didin't really mean it. So if you are a friend and you know with out a doubt that he is hitting her call the cops.

Rav

Pahreyia · Post by **Pahreyia** » April 26, 2004, 8:57 pm

Intervention, parents, police.

Nilaman · Post by **Nilaman** » April 26, 2004, 9:37 pm

Drolgin Steingrinder wrote:Wow, Nilaman. You're an idiot.

Far from that, my friend.

However, he did say that he is now an ex boyfriend.

That is the end. She is not dating him anymore and so there is no point to get involved. Should she start dating him again then go ahead and take action, but as it stands it is over and the only thing that he will do by getting involved is fucking up the girl's life moreso then it is now.

It is over. Comprende?

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » April 26, 2004, 9:40 pm

She told me that she broke up with the guy, but every time she tried to before he would rape her and nearly kill her.

Hi, yes. You're an idiot.

Legenae · Post by **Legenae** » April 26, 2004, 9:58 pm

My sister was in an abusive relationship for almost 4 years. She even moved out of my mom's place to go live with the bastard. She knew how we (the family and all her friends) felt about the guy (We did forbid him from coming to our home and family functions), but she didn't leave him until *she was ready* (she tried to leave twice before but ended up going back to the loser).

Unless your friend is willing to press charges or get a restraining order against him, there's not a whole lot you can do besides just being there for her.

MooZilla · Post by **MooZilla** » April 27, 2004, 12:00 am

Nilaman wrote:
Drolgin Steingrinder wrote:Wow, Nilaman. You're an idiot.
Far from that, my friend.

However, he did say that he is now an ex boyfriend.

That is the end. She is not dating him anymore and so there is no point to get involved. Should she start dating him again then go ahead and take action, but as it stands it is over and the only thing that he will do by getting involved is fucking up the girl's life moreso then it is now.

It is over. Comprende?

He dosent want to be the ex boyfriend. Did you read a word i said?

Shanter · Post by **Shanter** » April 27, 2004, 2:10 am

If I remember right she is the only one that can press charges on the guy (unless he is caught in the act, then he can be arrested for assault and other charges). Best thing to do is console her to TALK to the police and just be there for her.

kyoukan · Post by **kyoukan** » April 27, 2004, 3:09 am

Tell her to stay broken up with the guy and file charges if he goes after her. If she goes back to him all the time and says she loves him and he will get help and everything will be fine then maybe she deserves to get hit, because she is stupid.

Addecus_Subtractucus · Post by **Addecus_Subtractucus** » April 27, 2004, 3:28 am

^^^

I concur

Etasi · Post by **Etasi** » April 27, 2004, 7:49 am

People stay in abusive relationships because they think it's their fault.

If you call the cops when she doesn't want it done, all you're going to do is drive her away and make her distrust you. Then you'll be able to help her even less than you can now.

The best idea, in my opinion, is to find one of those battered women's shelters/groups and ask for their advice. They know how to deal with the abused person's mentality. They can probably give you advice on how to get her to go to one of those places, which is really the best thing. Having her talk to her parents might help, but if he is abusing her this badly, and she's still not seeing that what he's doing is wrong, then she needs professional help.

Above all, be there for her, try to help her see that it isn't her fault, that what he's doing is wrong, and that she deserves a better life than the one she has with him. She doesn't think she deserves any better than she's getting, so you need to find a way to convince her. Again, a professional is probably the best place to turn, for advice at the very least.

Pengu · Post by **Pengu** » April 27, 2004, 8:34 am

I have experience in the shit swamp of domestic violence and I believe your friend needs help.

Try here:
http://www.ndvh.org/

Nilaman · Post by **Nilaman** » April 27, 2004, 8:55 am

MooZilla wrote:He dosent want to be the ex boyfriend. Did you read a word i said?

Show me where you said that. Thanks.

Truant · Post by **Truant** » April 27, 2004, 9:44 am

Nilaman, shut the fuck up right now. We have someone who is honestly, and seriously asking for helpful suggestions from this community, and you are more interested in picking a fight over semantics of your reading comprehension.

If you want to fight, make a thread...this is not the time or place.

Moo, I've had a little experience with the same situation you are dealing with. As said above, trying to do the proactive things yourself, as in getting the law involved without consulting her first, is definately going to cause much more trouble. The best thing you can do is be there for her, give her support, and let her know what options are available to her. In her situation she more than likely feels helpless, and you need to reassure her that she is not.

Sylvos · Post by **Sylvos** » April 27, 2004, 9:49 am

well personally i'd take a bat to his knees and drop him down a well.
but that's just me...

I'd contact the authorities as well as her parents. She will probably start out with a restraining order which if he violates he'll go to jail. If that fails...
Bat..Rope..Gauze mouth gag...Well

Etasi · Post by **Etasi** » April 27, 2004, 10:04 am

Fuck you Nilaman. Seriously, you're an idiot.

Sylvos · Post by **Sylvos** » April 27, 2004, 10:05 am

Etasi wrote:Fuck you Nilaman. Seriously, you're an idiot.

It's ok, his family tree does not fork. So just disregard his comments.

Nilaman · Post by **Nilaman** » April 27, 2004, 10:40 am

Unfortunately, I have had to deal with things like this before.

And then comes this dipshit posting here about it asking for help in a situation that is OVER.

They are not together, the only one who can press charges would be the girl. And lets make one thing right clear, if she wants to press charges she will.

To you dipshits who think it would be best for her to do so, don't you think she has thought of that? Christ "This guy is beating the piss out of me, what do I do?". Some of you amaze me with your stupidity.

It is possible to love someone and not want to hurt them, no matter what they do to you eh? That does not make what he does right, but if what Moo said is true then it is over and she is done with it.

Ever break up with someone and still have feelings for them? Or still love them? Well shit, congrats again.

She does not want to hurt him, if she did then she would have called the cops long ago. Perhaps down the road she might get some help and want to call the cops, but the only person who can jail him is her. She does not want to. Let it be. Do not make her go through more trauma then she is willing to go through.

What the guy did is terrible/wrong/horrid. That does not change how she feels about him though and unfortunately she still has feelings for him (perhaps like a friendship?) but does not want to do that.

Advice: Take VVs, buy a clue. Then if they start dating again, wait until you KNOW he has hit her and insist she press charges. But this is all really up to her.

It is over. How do you nimrods not understand that?

Gemily · Post by **Gemily** » April 27, 2004, 11:00 am

Sylvos wrote:well personally i'd take a bat to his knees and drop him down a well.
but that's just me...

I'd contact the authorities as well as her parents. She will probably start out with a restraining order which if he violates he'll go to jail. If that fails...
Bat..Rope..Gauze mouth gag...Well

Um Sylvos, that doesnt work. In my case when the cops came and saw he was in worse shape than me, well, lets just say I'm the one who got in trouble bleh.

Etasi · Post by **Etasi** » April 27, 2004, 11:01 am

Nilaman wrote:She does not want to. Let it be. Do not make her go through more trauma then she is willing to go through.

What the guy did is terrible/wrong/horrid. That does not change how she feels about him though and unfortunately she still has feelings for him (perhaps like a friendship?) but does not want to do that.

You say you have experience with situations like this, and yet you clearly don't know what you're talking about.

What you just posted assumes this is a normal, functioning relationship. It isn't. You act as though her decision not to call the cops was made logically. It wasn't.

People like this need help. Many are unable to help themselves, due to the fact that they think they deserve to be abused. If things are really as bad as the first post suggests, she should get professional help regardless of the current situation.

Atokal · Post by **Atokal** » April 27, 2004, 11:08 am

Nila, you protest too much. Sounds like you were the beater. Get a clue dumbass. This guy is most probably a stalker, and if he has raped her in the past when she broke up with him he will do so again.

Support and being a friend while nice are not what is needed here.

As Syl said earlier
Intervention
Parents
Police

She could end up DEAD.

Pahreyia · Post by **Pahreyia** » April 27, 2004, 12:22 pm

Atokal wrote: As Syl said earlier
Intervention
Parents
Police

*cough* *cough*

Wulfran · Post by **Wulfran** » April 27, 2004, 12:35 pm

She told me that she broke up with the guy, but every time she tried to before ,he would rape her and nearly kill her.

Hi my name is Nilaman and I can't fucking read or pull my head out of my ass long enough to do anything other than spew some stupid shit.

Nilaman · Post by **Nilaman** » April 27, 2004, 2:12 pm

What a bunch of clueless tards.

Before she "tried to" break up, this time she did. What is the difference between those? Yes very good. There is a difference between breaking up with someone and trying to break up with someone.

Here. How about some pictures to help those of you who still will not understand and will post about whatever that has nothing to do with this at all.

Trying to break up:

Breaking up:

Got it? Right? Right.

Etasi, there are many different ways people will deal with things like this. If the girl has the ability to talk about it to her friends then she has the ability to cope and to decide what she wants to do.

Ransure · Post by **Ransure** » April 27, 2004, 2:17 pm

I think Nila was the beater in his instance....

Post by **Sylvus** » April 27, 2004, 2:21 pm

One of my best friends is a social worker who helps victims of domestic violence relocate to their own apartments and get back on their feet. She said that most of the time she meets her clients for the first time when they are in the hospital from being beaten so badly. I don't know exactly where she got her statistic from, but she said that, on average, the victim of domestic abuse will "leave" their partner seven times before it is permanent. In other words, even after "breaking up", they'll go back to the abuser 6 more times before going away for good.

I was amazed that it took that long with someone beating you frequently, but I'm not even going to pretend that I could get my head into a similar mindset as someone who lives with that kind of abuse.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » April 27, 2004, 2:27 pm

Nilaman wrote:If the girl has the ability to talk about it to her friends then she has the ability to cope and to decide what she wants to do.

Errrrm all humans have these abilities...the question is "is the exertion of those abilities probable?"...You really show zero undestanding of the psychology that perpetuates this syndrome...Feelings of powerlessness, percieved need to be abused to validate negative self-worth...It's a wicked synergy...

And guess what...if she should manage to break out of this relationship and doesn't get serious counseling...Odds are very good her next relationship will be identical...

Tasi's advice here is sage...

Toall · Post by **Toall** » April 27, 2004, 4:18 pm

in most stats now there is a domestic partners abuse law.. if the cops are called and come out and see abuce to a spouce the cops themselvs can press charges even if the abused wont.. this usualy results in at least a over night trip t the local Jail.. so next time you are over and they go at it you need to call and see if that ball can get a rolling.

MooZilla · Post by **MooZilla** » April 27, 2004, 4:41 pm

Sometimes people can't talk just to regular friends about stuff like this. They're afriad that they will call the police right away, or try to go face-to-face with the beater.

Thanks for all the advice everybody. It seems to have worked. I got her on the phone with one of those abuse help lines, and it looks like everything is going to be ok. She is filing for a restraining order, but not pressing charges. Again, thankyou for all of the advice. I'd ask if somebody could please lock this.

Oh, and Nilman, welcome to my ignore list.

Etasi · Post by **Etasi** » April 27, 2004, 5:47 pm

Nilaman wrote:Before she "tried to" break up, this time she did. What is the difference between those? Yes very good. There is a difference between breaking up with someone and trying to break up with someone.

Etasi, there are many different ways people will deal with things like this. If the girl has the ability to talk about it to her friends then she has the ability to cope and to decide what she wants to do.

It isn't a normal relationship, you stupid fucking idiot. People who try to leave abusive partners often go back, and I'm sure it's much more likely when they haven't had some sort of professional help.

Even if she has left him for good, an experience like that fucks someone up profoundly. Talking to friends might help, but chances are they're not going to be equipped to deal with the situation properly.

Sorry to derail your thread Moo, but this kind of ignorance sickens me.

Gurugurumaki · Post by **Gurugurumaki** » April 27, 2004, 6:05 pm

MooZilla wrote:I really dont know what to do.

Give the guy Shaerra's number. She is into that. He would do the beating and she would do the raping.

Madren · Post by **Madren** » April 27, 2004, 6:23 pm

Moozilla,

in all seriousness, there is some good advice here concerning intervention.
try to follow it if you can.

violence is not the legal, PC, recommended course of action. If you beat the fucking piss out of him, what will LIKELY happen is he will take it out on her the next chance he gets. the Fear of God does not work on spineless raping morons.

but just keep in mind. someone that has their eyes ripped out of their sockets cannot pick you out of a lineup.

he wants to hit women ? break his fucking arms and his legs. lets see that crutch wielding splintersack take a swing at her then.

MooZilla · Post by **MooZilla** » April 27, 2004, 6:33 pm

Madren wrote:Moozilla,
he wants to hit women ? break his fucking arms and his legs. lets see that crutch wielding splintersack take a swing at her then.

That was my first idea...Probably not the best one.

TheDarkreigns · Post by **TheDarkreigns** » April 27, 2004, 8:52 pm

I guess she was talkin when she shoulda been listenin!

Pretty soon them upetty(SP?) women folk will be wanting to vote and learning to drive!

Deward · Post by **Deward** » April 28, 2004, 10:32 am

When I was a kid I had to watch my mom go through a violent relationship. The guy would beat her and beat us. She left him a few times but would always go back. He broke my brother's collarbone (he was 5 or 6) by throwing him against the wall and held a knife to my sister's throat (she was 3 I think). I was lucky in that I only had to stay with my mother a short time and was living with my dad mostly. I was honestly too young to know what actually broke them up for good but I think she stayed with him because she had very little self-esteem and confidence in herself. The cops didn't do squat to protect us from him. He was an animal. At one point my Uncles beat the crap out of him too.

My advice to you is to do something that will raise your friend's self-esteem and confidence level in themselves. Start working out together. A healthy body can do wonders for a person's confidence level. Mention how nice she looks during the day. It will help her self-esteem and she will feel better about herself.

Skogen · Post by **Skogen** » April 28, 2004, 1:00 pm

Seriously & Sadly, there is not much you can do outside of trying to get her to see what an asshole he is, but a lot of this talk may fall on deaf ears....but keep on talking!
She has the decided, and do mean REALLY decide that she is fed up, and leave him.
The phrase "help me help you!!" comes to mind.

Siji · Post by **Siji** » April 28, 2004, 1:12 pm

If it were a friend of mine, I honestly don't know that I could keep from gathering some friends and beating the shit out of the guy. Guys beating on women is just something that I won't put up with.

VeeshanVault

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