A duck waddles into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Bartender, do you have any strawberries?" The bartender looks around, and then looks down over the counter at the duck and angrily replies, "No. We don't have any strawberries. Now get outta here." Sadly, the duck walks back out of the bar.
About a half hour passes and again the bartender hears, "Bartender, do you have any strawberries?" The bartender looks down, sees the duck AGAIN, and again says, "No. We don't have any strawberries! Now beat it!" Again the duck sadly walks out of the bar.
About 20 minutes later, the bartender again hears, "Bartender, do you have any strawberries?" The bartender looks down over the bar, and screams at the duck, "No! I already told you we don't have any fucking strawberries! This is a bar, not a produce stand! Now get out of here before I nail your webbed feet to the floor!" Dejectedly, the duck lowers his head and waddles out of the bar.
About an hour later, the bartender hears, "Bartender, do you have any nails?" The bartender replies, "Nails? Why would we have nails? This is a bar not a hardware store."
The duck says, "Then can I have some strawberries?"
Joke Thread
Moderator: TheMachine
-
noel
- Super Poster!
- Posts: 10003
- Joined: August 22, 2002, 1:34 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: Calabasas, CA
Joke Thread
Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out.
Two fish are sitting in a tank.
One turns to the other and says, "I hope you know how to drive this thing!"
One turns to the other and says, "I hope you know how to drive this thing!"
Etasi Answer - Cestus Dei
Cut the kids in half
Cut the kids in half
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Drolgin Steingrinder
- Way too much time!
- Posts: 3510
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 5:28 pm
- Gender: Male
- PSN ID: Drolgin
- Location: Århus, Denmark
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Dregor Thule
- Super Poster!
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- XBL Gamertag: Xathlak
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- Location: Oakville, Ontario
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Zygar_ Cthulhukin
- Almost 1337
- Posts: 654
- Joined: September 4, 2002, 9:18 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: Ar-keen-saw
Have you heard about the 4 trypes of female orgasms?
(1) The positive orgasm: "oh yes, oh yes, YES YES!!!!!!!"
(2) The negative orgasm: "oh no....oh no.....oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
(3) The religious orgasm: " oh god...oh god.....OH GAWD!"
a
n
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l
a
s
t
l
y
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(4) The fake orgasm: "Oh Drustwyn....OH DRUSTWYN!"
(1) The positive orgasm: "oh yes, oh yes, YES YES!!!!!!!"
(2) The negative orgasm: "oh no....oh no.....oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
(3) The religious orgasm: " oh god...oh god.....OH GAWD!"
a
n
d
l
a
s
t
l
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(4) The fake orgasm: "Oh Drustwyn....OH DRUSTWYN!"
{{{(>.<)}}} (o.o) \\(^o^)// --- I DID IT!!!! -Hiro
-
Spang
- Way too much time!
- Posts: 4879
- Joined: September 23, 2003, 10:34 am
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- Location: Tennessee
Marine VS interviewer
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
For the oppressed, peace is the absence of oppression, but for the oppressor, peace is the absence of resistance.
-
Arborealus
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- Contact:
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Rivera Bladestrike
- Way too much time!
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- Joined: September 15, 2002, 4:55 pm
"I once made love for an hour and five minutes... yeah.. it was on the night they push the clocks ahead. And whats this about women having two or more orgasms? Right.... I'll believe it when I see it."
- Larry Sanders
Did you ever meet somebody, and you go to shake the guy's hand... and you suddenly realize... he doesn't have a complete hand! And you gotta make believe it feels great! Right? You can't go "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" You can't do that! It's not even an option!
- George Carlin
- Larry Sanders
Did you ever meet somebody, and you go to shake the guy's hand... and you suddenly realize... he doesn't have a complete hand! And you gotta make believe it feels great! Right? You can't go "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" You can't do that! It's not even an option!
- George Carlin
My name is (removed to protect dolphinlovers)
Rivera / Shiezer - EQ (Retired)
What I Am Listening To
Rivera / Shiezer - EQ (Retired)
What I Am Listening To
Here are some conversations that airline passengers
normally will never hear. The following are accounts
of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control
towers around the world.
===============================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 O'clock, 6
miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
===============================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when
it hits a 727?"
===============================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take
off queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft> transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"
===============================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
===============================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
===============================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport."
===============================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for
a priority landing because his single-engine jet
fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two,behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach"
===============================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What,
exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by
a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight
attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
===============================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speakin English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war"
===============================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw
some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did
you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."
===============================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8
landed. The DC-8 landed,rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What acute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go
by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
===============================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a
Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate AlphaOne-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
was dark, and I didn't land."
===============================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell
are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting
hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right
there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US
Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally,
the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air
2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"
normally will never hear. The following are accounts
of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control
towers around the world.
===============================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 O'clock, 6
miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
===============================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when
it hits a 727?"
===============================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take
off queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft> transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"
===============================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
===============================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
===============================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport."
===============================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for
a priority landing because his single-engine jet
fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two,behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach"
===============================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What,
exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by
a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight
attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
===============================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speakin English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war"
===============================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw
some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did
you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."
===============================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8
landed. The DC-8 landed,rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What acute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go
by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
===============================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a
Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate AlphaOne-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
was dark, and I didn't land."
===============================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell
are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting
hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right
there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US
Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally,
the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air
2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"
Zver 65 lvl War