Life Milestones ... more getting older

Seebs · Post by **Seebs** » February 11, 2004, 4:06 pm

I've set the bar too high on these segments, so please just bear with this one. Life has its own personal milestones. I am realizing with great clarity what these mielstones are for me and what they mean.

I'll start this list, while not too entertaining, it is a list of dates, times and observations that marked me as one day closer to death. It also could explain my Irreverence and attitude on certain topics.

Age 7: There is no Santa Claus. What the Fuck!? Life goes on.

Age 8: At age 6 my dad said I could play poker with the kids in the backyard when I turned Eight. He had no recollection of this but I sure did. Penny ante heaven. Life is good.

Age 9: Looking forward to my 10th birthday. I'd be in double digets and all the new responsibilities that came with that.

Age 12: One more year until I was a teenager. Then the sex, drinking and driving would be right around the corner. Life is good. Right?

Age 13: Not a Goddamn thing changed from age 12. Nothing. Not a Goddamn thing. What the Fuck? Life is okay.

Age 14: Friends are getting pubic hair. I'm shiny and clean. Freinds are beginning to become baratones ... I'm still in the fucking Vienna Boy's Choir. Some guys are scoring with easy trailer park girls. A girl in my 8th grade class is fucking pregnant and I still have yet to masturbate. I rarely shower and have lenses in my glasses that were deigned by Hubble himself. Life is Fucked up and I have a feeling its only going to get worse.

Age 15: Still haven't caught on to this whole Personal Hygiene thing. I'm born in June so the entire mother fucking class is driving before I am. Great. Games of Spin the Bottle break up when I sit down. Esteem is becoming an issue and I become the 'Gross' class clown. Physical humor, grossouts, essentially killing my ability to ever get my dick wet.
Jerk off for the first time. It was amazing. What the hell was I waiting for? Does everybody know about this? Why did nobody mention this before. mom's not home, time to jerk off ... everyone's asleep; time to jerk it. Found dad's Playboy Stash, tug-o-rama. My cock looked like a handle bar grip this year. Life is the most exciting thing ever.

Age 16: Think my mom is catching on the the socks in the drawer that no longer bend. I am now driving my Dad's 77 Silverado with the 454. I'm showering now, got contacts and the years of being in athletics has suddenly paid off with my six-pack abs. I'm still a social retard with the ladies, but they are using words like 'hunk and handsome' to describe me. guyslike the fact I have a fast truck. Teachers like the fact that I've become popular but am not a pretentious dick. I become the witty guy, not the gross guy. Get first kiss ... no idea what I'm doing. Life has become an incredible whirlwind of possibilities.

Age 17: The corner is turned. The pubes are in a full Orange Bloom. People want to be seen with me but I'm still retarded in how to progress past 2nd base. See my first porn movie .. so that's how they do it! Realize my cock isn't 10 inches long and begin to worry. First the pubes, then the size .. when will this end!?
I get voted to the Homecoming Court. Finally get a blowjob (sweet God) and have some sex. I was three weeks from turning 18. genie's out of the bottle and all bets are off. I graduate with shitty grades but get a full ride to college for Theatre and Chorus. The merit Scholars are miffed. begin College immediately after graduation. Life is fucking immense.

Age 18-20: I'm a slut. You say yes and I'm on you. I love how this feels and like what it does to you. Discover I can do a trick with my curled lip and my enlarged tongue and become know through the Unniveristy as a pussy eating machine. AIDS is not anything to worry about yet (so I thought). Its a college fuckfest. Playboy playmates are my age now.
I can vote. have a great fraternity and become rush chairman. I recruit ethnic minorities and openly gay people. Chapter grows from 30 to 95 people and he have a cum GPA of 3.2. Fucking genius. I've gotten nobody pregnant and continue to sling wads of man meat mayo all over campus. I'm accepted to an Acting School in NYC and intend to leave college, burning bridges as I go. Life is becoming real .. holy shit, bills?!

There is just too much more to mention in this format. I have no idea how entertaining this diatribe is at this point. To summerize:

Late bloomer
Low Self Esteem Geek guy
Low Self Esteem Popular guy
Sperm may not be able to swim
Man of the people.

Jesus those were good days. Please share your thoughts on any of them and if you can empathize. If this is well received I'll continue this track with the downward slide that is my life now.

[/b]

masteen · Post by **masteen** » February 11, 2004, 4:17 pm

Ferris Bueler, you're my hero!

noel · Post by **noel** » February 11, 2004, 4:23 pm

Lol. Seebs, I am not worthy!

An anonymous reader of this site who is female just asked me to explain the sock thing. Here's what I told her...

Well, they're soft inside. That wasn't a joke in the movie American Pie... or rather.. the reason it was funny is because we've all done it.

Psyloche · Post by **Psyloche** » February 11, 2004, 4:26 pm

This is great, I actually can relate pretty much on most of those. It was very scary how many similarities there were up until around age 18-20 and that was only because of the type of school you went to. Rest is pretty much the same.

Edit: Actually I got a blow job when I was 15. Hadn't played tug o war til then either. Needless to say after the blow job I realized everything I'd been missing out on.

Salis · Post by **Salis** » February 11, 2004, 4:45 pm

25+ 2 day hangovers!

Kilmoll the Sexy · Post by **Kilmoll the Sexy** » February 11, 2004, 4:47 pm

Wouldn't you actually have to stop drinking to get a hangover? Or have you just read about them in Scotland Today?

Syenye Squirrellyelf · February 11, 2004, 5:15 pm

really great post! makes me glad i'm not a guy.

Salis · Post by **Salis** » February 11, 2004, 5:16 pm

sup Kilmoll

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 11, 2004, 5:31 pm

Do not make me whip out my dealings of late with the Gastrointerologist!

1 bottle of Citrate of Magnesium, and 2 biscodyl tabs remain at least I get Demerol before the "procedure" tomorrow...

Is it wrong for a high school acquaintance (now a practicing GI) to tell you that he "wished he could be there" for the procedure...it feels somehow not right!

Rivera Bladestrike · February 11, 2004, 6:17 pm

I came across porn at the age of 8, I was selling it by 9, I was hacking AOL at the age of 10. I was the mack of the school til I got really bad acne at the age of 15 which coincided with my social decline of everquest. Acne and Everquest went away thereafter, lady potential, popularity, and confidence sky rocket at 17 / 18.

Personal Hygene should start at 10 at the latest! Hell, I was doing my hair in 3rd grade, showering etc. Jacking began at like 12 due to my access to porn. Didn't get my car til 17. Pubes at 17? More like 12.

But sounds like you've been going on the right track, certainly not the one your parents want, but who cares about them.

Ennia · Post by **Ennia** » February 11, 2004, 6:38 pm

lol I'm not a guy but I can relate to most of those points.

There is no Santa at 7 lol that's my kid right now, only thing is her whole class still believes in Santa so she felt kinda weird talking to them this past Christmas.

Voronwë · Post by **Voronwë** » February 11, 2004, 7:02 pm

rofl seebs

Pahreyia · Post by **Pahreyia** » February 11, 2004, 7:05 pm

Seebs, if you could ever memorise this stuff and stand on a stage, you could be the next Jerry Sienfeld. This is great!

masteen · Post by **masteen** » February 11, 2004, 7:41 pm

Age 18: Administered my first facial. Unfortunately, it was because the sock came off and I squirted myself.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 11, 2004, 7:55 pm

masteen wrote:Age 18: Administered my first facial. Unfortunately, it was because the sock came off and I squirted myself.

Hehe I hate when that happens...

Sirensa · Post by **Sirensa** » February 11, 2004, 8:50 pm

Arborealus wrote:
masteen wrote:Age 18: Administered my first facial. Unfortunately, it was because the sock came off and I squirted myself.
Hehe I hate when that happens...

ewwwwwwwwwww!

Growing up female isn't all that either. I remember when I first discovered I had a "hole" in me (sitting cross-legged up on the counter in front of a mirror playing with mom's makeup - naked cause I was about to be tossed in the bath). I completely freaked out. Thought I was broken. I learned where babies came from at a really early age because of that.

First bout with trying to put in a tampon wasn't so pretty either. I turned green with a mix of pain/frustration. Realized later it was because I hadnt actually stuck it in far enough.

And the emergence of boobies. When your friends are still flat. And the boys are giggling. Sucks. It really does.

Adolescence is so painful. Hehe.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 11, 2004, 9:18 pm

Yeah that first ejaculation was one hell of a suprised I was 11 or 12 and was trying to figure out what the hell had just happened...

And being the natural scientist trying to replicate the experiment...

I was successful frequently thereafter...lol

Asheran Mojomaster · February 11, 2004, 11:38 pm

Lol I can relate to a lot of that shit Seebs, except no glasses and I've known about personal hygiene since 3rd grade. For years I had bad acne, from like 12-15. I'm 16 now and almost completely gone (stray zit here or there every so often, actually have 2 atm ><), but I'm a complete retard with girls

.

I can type anything to anyone, I can imagine what I am gonna say, I can tell other people I am gonna do something, then I get near the girl I am going to do \ say whatever to and bumble and stutter and all that shit. Thanks to this, still haven't been laid, and no date to the prom this year (only asked one girl, but thats my ex and she is still pissed at me for why she thinks I dumped her).

Sionistic · Post by **Sionistic** » February 12, 2004, 1:01 am

Well, I was going to post a very detailed story of what I can actually recall from my childhood, mainly one important event

, It was beautiful, but I decided against it and just say
glasses, overweight, acne, quick tempered, I can relate, luckily you had your fun, I seem to repel women

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » February 12, 2004, 1:05 am

Syenye Squirrellyelf wrote:really great post! makes me glad i'm not a guy.

u want 2 hav hawt cyberz?

Moonwynd · Post by **Moonwynd** » February 12, 2004, 4:27 am

11 years old...it was a giant blue and white stuffed bear...about 4 feet tall....the kind made for 12 cents in some third world country...filled with small pellets of styrofoam...won at a carnival. She was my first love....it wasn't until later that I found out socks were easier to clean....

vn_Tanc · Post by **vn_Tanc** » February 12, 2004, 7:01 am

Well, they're soft inside. That wasn't a joke in the movie American Pie... or rather.. the reason it was funny is because we've all done it.

I'd just like to state for the public record that I have never, ever wanked into a sock.

Jassun · Post by **Jassun** » February 12, 2004, 10:58 am

vn_Tanc wrote:
Well, they're soft inside. That wasn't a joke in the movie American Pie... or rather.. the reason it was funny is because we've all done it.
I'd just like to state for the public record that I have never, ever wanked into a sock.

There are only two lies about "wanking" in a sock...

1. I have never done it.

2. I used to, but I quit.

vn_Tanc · Post by **vn_Tanc** » February 12, 2004, 11:19 am

Kilmoll the Sexy · Post by **Kilmoll the Sexy** » February 12, 2004, 11:39 am

vn_Tanc wrote:
Well, they're soft inside. That wasn't a joke in the movie American Pie... or rather.. the reason it was funny is because we've all done it.
I'd just like to state for the public record that I have never, ever wanked into a sock.

This only means that he pulled out and shot it on the face he had drawn on the sock.

Voronwë · Post by **Voronwë** » February 12, 2004, 2:09 pm

Kilmoll the Sexy wrote:
vn_Tanc wrote:
Well, they're soft inside. That wasn't a joke in the movie American Pie... or rather.. the reason it was funny is because we've all done it.
I'd just like to state for the public record that I have never, ever wanked into a sock.
This only means that he pulled out and shot it on the face he had drawn on the sock.

HAHAHAHAHHA!

this thread rules

vn_Tanc · Post by **vn_Tanc** » February 12, 2004, 2:11 pm

I called the sock "Voronwë"

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 12, 2004, 2:13 pm

vn_Tanc wrote:I called the sock "Voronwë"

You too?! Fackin two timing socks!

Voronwë · Post by **Voronwë** » February 12, 2004, 2:19 pm

this thread has taken a turn for the worse!

Quick, to Teh fnord Cave Robin!

edit: -10 comma splice

noel · Post by **noel** » February 12, 2004, 3:08 pm

This thread is now making my coworkers wonder what the fuck I'm laughing at.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 12, 2004, 3:10 pm

Anyone else find themself wishing the terror level would change so we can see more Sesame street Characters?...

I figured we woulda gotten to Elmo with the Risin incident in the senate office building...

noel · Post by **noel** » February 12, 2004, 3:18 pm

I'm hoping for Cookie Monster myself. Or maybe its Grover. ><

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 12, 2004, 3:23 pm

Aranuil wrote:I'm hoping for Cookie Monster myself. Or maybe its Grover. ><

Grover would take a radical rethinking of current US Foreign policy...

Rivera Bladestrike · February 12, 2004, 5:20 pm

I can safely say that a sock has never been used with my penis other than one time when i went tanning.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 12, 2004, 5:23 pm

Rivera Bladestrike wrote:I can safely say that a sock has never been used with my penis other than one time when i went tanning.

Yeah but he'll try it now!...Try calling it Voronwe...

Rivera Bladestrike · February 12, 2004, 5:25 pm

Best jack ever!

...nah just kidding, socks go on my feet, in the drawer, and on the floor when i'm done with them, not on my cock.

Siji · Post by **Siji** » February 12, 2004, 5:33 pm

Rivera Bladestrike wrote:I can safely say that a sock has never been used with my penis other than one time when i went tanning.

Ditto. Quite handy at those times, they are.. Just don't forget to shower before heading to meet a girlfriend..

"Honey, why does princess sophia taste like day old foot funk?"

Tegellan · Post by **Tegellan** » February 12, 2004, 7:22 pm

Never used s sock either, must be an americna thing

Kilmoll the Sexy · Post by **Kilmoll the Sexy** » February 12, 2004, 8:13 pm

I guess you fuckers from 3rd world countries just can't afford to abuse a sock like good ole Ameruhkuns.

If you like, I will cut some tires up and send you the treads so you can make them into shoes for this year and be the envy of all your friends!

noel · Post by **noel** » February 12, 2004, 8:32 pm

Kilmoll the Sexy wrote:I guess you fuckers from 3rd world countries just can't afford to abuse a sock like good ole Ameruhkuns.

They probably just can't fill teh sock!

Rivera Bladestrike · February 12, 2004, 8:49 pm

Baby socks on sale at Kmart!

Voronwë · Post by **Voronwë** » February 13, 2004, 3:00 am

Arborealus wrote:
Rivera Bladestrike wrote:I can safely say that a sock has never been used with my penis other than one time when i went tanning.
Yeah but he'll try it now!...Try calling it Voronwe...

you wish your sock fucked you so good

Laliana · Post by **Laliana** » February 13, 2004, 3:45 am

Don't listen to Voro..he's into diapers now =p

*discalimer...not in *THAT* way...

Atokal · Post by **Atokal** » February 24, 2004, 12:54 pm

Voronwë wrote:this thread has taken a turn for the worse!

Quick, to Teh fnord Cave Robin!

edit: -10 comma splice

HAHAHAHA that made me laugh.

First blow job at 15 under a tree, girl was a natural who had never done it before but could suck so hard my dick was 4 inches longer when she was done. Speaking of done... she was surprised when the load hit and proceeded to spit it out on my jeans.

We started dating after that and she learned to swallow... Life is Good YEAAH!!!

BTW anyone ever get caught by yer parents either having sex with a partner or solo?

Chidoro · Post by **Chidoro** » February 24, 2004, 1:52 pm

Siji wrote:" princess sophia"

Bah, how did I miss that gem

Dexail · Post by **Dexail** » February 24, 2004, 2:48 pm

Atokal wrote: but could suck so hard my dick was 4 inches longer when she was done.

First time ever that Toker's had 5 inches. (sorry bud, was too easy of a set up )

Post by **Sylvus** » February 24, 2004, 3:12 pm

Dexail wrote:
Atokal wrote: but could suck so hard my dick was 4 inches longer when she was done.
First time ever that Toker's had 5 inches. (sorry bud, was too easy of a set up )

You're wrong. It's the first time ever that Toker was five inches.

Atokal · Post by **Atokal** » February 24, 2004, 3:29 pm

Dexail wrote:
Atokal wrote: but could suck so hard my dick was 4 inches longer when she was done.
First time ever that Toker's had 5 inches. (sorry bud, was too easy of a set up )

Haha I knew right after I mashed the submit key someone would use that. Hit the edit button boss walked in "I need to see you right away" had an hour long meeting and BAM SMACK BOP (In keeping with the Voro Batman theme of late) I get sideswiped.

Good one Dex but I usually throw the small ones back. *insert further penis joke here*

Cheers

Sylvos · Post by **Sylvos** » February 24, 2004, 3:33 pm

what in the nine hells is going on with this thread.

Forthe · Post by **Forthe** » February 24, 2004, 5:10 pm

I'm guessing the sock thing has something to do with being snipped?