Excerpts from your pet's diary.

Sargeras · Post by **Sargeras** » February 10, 2004, 8:41 pm

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 184
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 185
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was .... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 186
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 187
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 188
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Tegellan · Post by **Tegellan** » February 10, 2004, 9:18 pm

I recognize my cat...

Lalanae · Post by **Lalanae** » February 10, 2004, 9:40 pm

hehe that's cute

Keverian FireCry · Post by **Keverian FireCry** » February 10, 2004, 10:51 pm

It's interesting how humans think of their pets. Cats, always seem to be the independent, smarter animals, yet in fact dogs are far more intelligent, pack animals. The reason humans always think of cats as smarter, or more independant, is because they are not our bitches, they are not our pack animals, they do not think of us as the "alpha" or leader of their pack. They do not "need" us like our dog pets do, because they are geneticaly different and are more of asolitary animal than all k-9s.

Dogs seem stupid because you control them pretty much and when they don;t do something you tell them, they seem stupid. Yet when do not hold felines to the same standard. Whose cat sits, stays, or fetches when their masters tell them too? Cats, though they are independent animals seem smarter simply because they do not follow or agree with their masters total bullshit.

I just think it is interesting that most people consider cats to be more intelligent than dogs, yet it is simply their independence that makes them seems this way.

Anyhow, dogs=primarily pack animals. Cats=far more independant, yet dumber overall.

Sueven · Post by **Sueven** » February 10, 2004, 11:23 pm

Kev: I'm not sure that you're correct. I believe that some breeds of dogs (wolves, for example) tend to be more intelligent, but I also believe that, in general, your average cat is smarter than your average dog. I could be wrong though, and feel free to prove it to me.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 10, 2004, 11:35 pm

Sueven wrote:Kev: I'm not sure that you're correct. I believe that some breeds of dogs (wolves, for example) tend to be more intelligent, but I also believe that, in general, your average cat is smarter than your average dog. I could be wrong though, and feel free to prove it to me.

Depends on what you want to measure...

But typically dogs are considered smarter ( they are able to learn tasks faster, with greater accuracy, and tasks with higher levels of complexity)

Pigs by the way far outstrip both...

Akaran_D · Post by **Akaran_D** » February 10, 2004, 11:36 pm

Pigs may be smarter, but you don't see me frying up eggs with a side order of feline.

Kaelina · Post by **Kaelina** » February 11, 2004, 1:27 am

But typically dogs are considered smarter ( they are able to learn tasks faster, with greater accuracy, and tasks with higher levels of complexity)

I think you're confusing trainability with intelligence. Granted some breeds are brighter than others -- German Shepherds come to mind, I think dogs generally are more *loyal*, but definitely not more intelligent.

Just this past week, my cat stole and hid my watch (took me almost a week to find the damn thing). I'm certain he was plotting to Ebay it and order himself a pallet of Fancy Feast while I was away at work.

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 11, 2004, 2:57 am

Kaelina wrote: I think you're confusing trainability with intelligence.

I'm talking about learning, not responding to commands...Though I am very much a cat person, they lose in the learning race ...:/

Laliana · Post by **Laliana** » February 11, 2004, 3:33 am

Arborealus wrote:
Kaelina wrote: I think you're confusing trainability with intelligence.
I'm talking about learning, not responding to commands...Though I am very much a cat person, they lose in the learning race ...:/

HA! that's just what cats want you to think.

Kaelina · Post by **Kaelina** » February 11, 2004, 4:14 am

Cats learn when they want to, dogs learn usually because of a positive response from their owner/trainer. Cats tend to pick up things on their own, without the need of being trained -- like the cats that learn how to open doors just from watching people do it. My cat somehow learned how to fetch, although it's not anything I ever taught him. He just realized that if kept bringing his toy back to me and dropping it on whatever I was reading, that I'd get annoyed and throw it across the room. I guess he has me trained... =P

Kguku · Post by **Kguku** » February 11, 2004, 5:40 am

Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government Worker and said,"What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

kahunPE · Post by **kahunPE** » February 11, 2004, 5:52 am

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Psyloche · Post by **Psyloche** » February 11, 2004, 10:13 am

The cat and dog loyalty discussion reminded me of Meet the Parents. Didn't Pam's dad say cats were more loyal?

Sionistic · Post by **Sionistic** » February 11, 2004, 10:37 am

Cats dont sell out like dogs do

Xyun · Post by **Xyun** » February 11, 2004, 11:02 am

cats clean themselves and shit in the shitbox... dogs do neither.

masteen · Post by **masteen** » February 11, 2004, 11:37 am

Jinxie cat, Jinxie cat,
Where are you?
I love you!

Mort · Post by **Mort** » February 11, 2004, 1:43 pm

My cat will not stop fucking with me when I go to bed every night UNLESS I play fetch with her for a few mins. She screams in my ear unless we play. She is a neurotic psychopath

Ennia · Post by **Ennia** » February 11, 2004, 2:00 pm

Xyun wrote:cats clean themselves and shit in the shitbox... dogs do neither.

you never seen a dog clean/groom himself? also they can be taught to poop/pee in one spot only, you still have to clean up after both dog and cat though.

Sirensa · Post by **Sirensa** » February 11, 2004, 2:03 pm

The Pet Diary dog diary = my cat norman

The Pet Diary cat diary = Sylvos' cat Luna

Really think it depends on the pet

Psyloche · Post by **Psyloche** » February 11, 2004, 2:16 pm

DAY 188
Those sick mother fuckers tried to milk me.

Dups. · Post by **Dups.** » February 11, 2004, 2:18 pm

Akaran_D wrote:Pigs may be smarter, but you don't see me frying up eggs with a side order of feline.

You would need to order chinese food for that.

Kelshara · Post by **Kelshara** » February 11, 2004, 2:31 pm

I've had both cats and dogs all of my life, and imho it comes down to this: Dogs are submissive, cats are independent. A dog learns by doing something over and over and getting positive reinforcements (read: treats), cats learn because they are curious and want something (and usually do it on their own).

To me, it's a no-brainer. Cats are (in general) far smarter than dogs. Some of the things my cats have worked out on their own is amazing, while you would have to train a dog to do anything similar.

Dups. · Post by **Dups.** » February 11, 2004, 2:53 pm

So , Cats are smarter then untrained dogs but dumber then trained dogs?

Sueven · Post by **Sueven** » February 11, 2004, 4:23 pm

Well intelligence is kind of an arbitrary concept, especially when we're not talking about humans. So it certainly depends how you define intelligence... maybe dogs have a greater capacity for learning, but cats have a greater ability to learn?

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 11, 2004, 4:29 pm

Kelshara wrote:I've had both cats and dogs all of my life, and imho it comes down to this: Dogs are submissive, cats are independent. A dog learns by doing something over and over and getting positive reinforcements (read: treats), cats learn because they are curious and want something (and usually do it on their own).

To me, it's a no-brainer. Cats are (in general) far smarter than dogs. Some of the things my cats have worked out on their own is amazing, while you would have to train a dog to do anything similar.

Indepence of behavior is related to species typical behavior, not intelligence...Dogs are gregarious by nature cats are independent by nature...

Dogs being submissive by nature is a fallacy...Dog human relationships are typically dog submissive simply by virtue of the fact that that we socialize dogs from pups to recognize humans as pack leader...An Alpha male wild wolf...you will find substantially less submissive...

...

Cats do not work out things for no reinforcement...Anymore than dogs do...Or humans for that matter...

...A reinforcement need not be a livasnap to be considered a reinforcement...it may be a warm place to lie, a better place to stalk from and behaviors themselves can be rewarding (premack et al)

Arborealus · Post by **Arborealus** » February 11, 2004, 4:49 pm

Sueven wrote:Well intelligence is kind of an arbitrary concept, especially when we're not talking about humans. So it certainly depends how you define intelligence... maybe dogs have a greater capacity for learning, but cats have a greater ability to learn?

Yeah its really comparing two very different kinds of intelligence...hell we have tons of trouble measuring our own...

Xorg Silverwolf · Post by **Xorg Silverwolf** » February 12, 2004, 12:49 pm

Arb read your PM's

I like cats & dogs but have neither. Sargs post was quite funny!

Jaxomer · Post by **Jaxomer** » February 12, 2004, 2:20 pm

Three dogs - a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador - are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office, when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So, why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the
cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in
the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," comes the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I crossed the line last night, when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch."
"So, what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquires. "Lethal injection," the dejected Lab replies.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I couldn't help myself. I hopped onto her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and ask, "So, lethal
injection for you, too, huh?"
The Doberman says, "No, no - I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Arundel Pajo · Post by **Arundel Pajo** » February 12, 2004, 2:43 pm

If you have a cat in your house, then you also have a box of shit in your house.

Pengu · Post by **Pengu** » February 13, 2004, 7:28 am

In a dog's mind:
My owner cares for me. He feeds me, plays with me, talks to me, and cuddles with me. He must be God.

In a cat's mind:
My owner cares for me. He feeds me, plays with me, talks to me, and cuddles with me. I must be God.

Boogahz · Post by **Boogahz** » February 13, 2004, 10:42 am

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like
myself, are very concerned about kitty hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the
lid so he can not escape.) CAUTION: Do not get
any part of your body too close to the edge, as
his paws will be reaching for anything they can
find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This
provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have
found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and
ensure that there are no people between the
toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and
quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet
and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Boogahz · Post by **Boogahz** » February 13, 2004, 10:42 am

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill
away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton
figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
stretch out flat on top of cat with head just
visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to
humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back
on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of your last tetanus shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find
heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour pint of water down throat to
wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by the furniture store on way home to order
new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and
ring local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.

Boogahz · Post by **Boogahz** » February 13, 2004, 10:43 am

What Is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in cheap fur coats.

What Is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece
of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in cheap little fur coats.

Ennia · Post by **Ennia** » February 13, 2004, 11:59 am

LMAO oh god thanks for the laugh Booghaz, these were great. So true, about the dogs anyway.

Aslanna · Post by **Aslanna** » February 17, 2004, 8:16 pm