Best.....Job Application....ever

Krimson Klaw · Post by **Krimson Klaw** » December 6, 2003, 7:04 pm

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY W E CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

Karae · Post by **Karae** » December 6, 2003, 7:09 pm

I've seen this before, but it was a 16 year old kid applying to MacDonald's. It's fake.

Janx · Post by **Janx** » December 6, 2003, 7:11 pm

kyoukan · Post by **kyoukan** » December 6, 2003, 9:46 pm

No it was a 22yo college graduate applying to a video store.

Asheran Mojomaster · December 6, 2003, 11:12 pm

It would be great if that worked, because if you got hired after you put that in, you would know whoever you are gonna be working for has to have a good sense of humor.

Maybe I should try that one day...

Zygar_ Cthulhukin · Post by **Zygar_ Cthulhukin** » December 6, 2003, 11:42 pm

You've been snoped!

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/mcdonald.htm

Sinzar · Post by **Sinzar** » December 6, 2003, 11:46 pm

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

loved that part

Aslanna · Post by **Aslanna** » December 7, 2003, 12:53 am

This is an actual job application...

Soon as I read that knew it was fake. All the fake stuff always claims to be 'actual' items.

Plus, as was said, I've seen it before.

Aabidano · Post by **Aabidano** » December 7, 2003, 12:58 am

I've been asked questions about Monty Python at two interviews so far

"What's the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » December 7, 2003, 3:54 am

Here's another one that gets around all the time. Fake or not, I don't care. It's still entertaining to read:
------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Xzion · Post by **Xzion** » December 7, 2003, 3:33 pm

lol, full contact origami!1!!1
for some reason that had my hungover ass laughing for a good 18 seconds

Asheran Mojomaster · December 7, 2003, 11:49 pm

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

Haha, I dunno why but that just cracked me up.

murr · Post by **murr** » December 8, 2003, 2:34 am

Winnow wrote:I don't perspire.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

hahahaha

Fyndina · Post by **Fyndina** » December 8, 2003, 5:07 pm

Aabidano wrote:I've been asked questions about Monty Python at two interviews so far

"What's the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

Answer has been found to this!

http://www.style.org/unladenswallow/

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » December 9, 2003, 12:59 am

Wow... what an interesting read on swallows. My head hurts.

Taly · Post by **Taly** » December 9, 2003, 1:06 am

even fake its still funny =)

VeeshanVault

Best.....Job Application....ever

Best.....Job Application....ever

Monthy Python