Arse Hair.....

Aarinu · Post by **Aarinu** » August 28, 2002, 12:43 pm

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.

It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

masteen · Post by **masteen** » August 28, 2002, 12:47 pm

AHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

Canoe · Post by **Canoe** » August 28, 2002, 1:00 pm

LMAO!!!

Akaran_D · Post by **Akaran_D** » August 28, 2002, 1:05 pm

lmao.. that poor, sick bastard..

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » August 28, 2002, 1:10 pm

I assure you, after you do it the first few times, it isnt like that...

Hammerstalker PE · Post by **Hammerstalker PE** » August 28, 2002, 1:58 pm

OMG ROFLMAO!

Animalor · Post by **Animalor** » August 28, 2002, 3:59 pm

ROFL!!!

That's what happens when you use Rogaine as lubricant.

Aabidano · Post by **Aabidano** » January 4, 2005, 1:55 pm

Marbus · Post by **Marbus** » January 4, 2005, 2:29 pm

Did Seebs write that?

Linaminu · Post by **Linaminu** » January 4, 2005, 3:23 pm

Roflmao

Bren · Post by **Bren** » January 4, 2005, 3:47 pm

oh....oh my god.

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » January 4, 2005, 4:36 pm

I just e-mailed that article to all the "cool" people in my office. They're gona love it...

And I still assure you, after a few times, it is not like that. Especailly if you nare instead of shave.

noel · Post by **noel** » January 4, 2005, 4:36 pm

Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel ?

They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.

And if I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan.

Edit: I agree with Ebumar. Maybe if you're as fat as a house and/or have sweating issues, you'd have the problems described, but in my experience, you get all the benefits described in the article without any of the negatives.

Chidoro · Post by **Chidoro** » January 4, 2005, 6:30 pm

so what you're saying is....you shave your ass?

Fash · Post by **Fash** » January 4, 2005, 6:32 pm

If I remember correctly, noel is a bicyclist... and that explains everything.

noel · Post by **noel** » January 4, 2005, 7:00 pm

Chidoro wrote:so what you're saying is....you shave your ass?

There are an almost infinite amounts of sarcastic remarks I could respond to your question with, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your post was rhetorical in nature.

Lalanae · Post by **Lalanae** » January 4, 2005, 7:10 pm

noel wrote:
Edit: I agree with Ebumar. Maybe if you're as fat as a house and/or have sweating issues, you'd have the problems described, but in my experience, you get all the benefits described in the article without any of the negatives.

Yeah, I was gonna say, his experiences seem to have more to do with assumably big cheeks... Guess the moral of the story is that fat people shouldn't shave their ass hair.

Laliana · Post by **Laliana** » January 4, 2005, 7:23 pm

Todays IRC chat:

[11:45] <noel> I fail to see the drawbacks to shaving your ass, other than the act itself...
[11:46] <bren> i wouldnt think there would be any drawbacks...just have better hygene..
[11:46] <Ebumar_Wrk> i agree whole heartedly
[11:46] <Ebumar_Wrk> mine was freaking awesome
[11:46] <Ebumar_Wrk> i didnt sleep till 8AM
[11:46] <noel> cool!
[11:46] <noel> I mean I hate doing it
[11:46] <Ebumar_Wrk> yeah
[11:46] <noel> but I love the results
[11:46] <Ebumar_Wrk> yeah for sure
[11:46] <noel> ./shrug
[11:46] <Ebumar_Wrk> to each their own
[11:46] <noel> I've found that I can shave my legs every other day
[11:46] <Ebumar_Wrk> i personally havnt done it in about a year
[11:46] <noel> and that seems to work out well
[11:47] <noel> I did it like
[11:47] <Ebumar_Wrk> but - ive been thinking about doing it again
[11:47] <noel> 3 days ago
[11:47] <Ebumar_Wrk> simply because of the dingleberries that love to stick around
[11:47] <noel> yeah it just makes wiping so much better
[11:47] <Ebumar_Wrk> i SHOULD do work >_<
[11:47] <Ebumar_Wrk> but im soooo lazy
[11:47] <noel> heh
[11:47] <Ebumar_Wrk> and lunch is only 15 mins away
[11:47] <Sylvos> i think i'd have to wax my taint
[11:47] <noel> I'm about to leave actually
[11:47] <Sylvos> and i think that would suck
[11:47] <noel> just shave it
[11:47] <noel> it only sucks the first time
[11:47] <Sylvos> i dunno
[11:47] <Ebumar_Wrk> i dont shave actually - i nare
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> it works well
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> naire? what ever
[11:48] <Sylvos> i dont think i could shave my taint
[11:48] <noel> because you have to rinse out the razor a lot
[11:48] <noel> afk! lunch
[11:48] <Sylvos> im like a fucking bear
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> haha me too
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> naire works well vos
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> try it
[11:48] <pyr0_wrk> you were silky smooth when we dined together sweetums
[11:48] <Sylvos> fuck no
[11:48] <Laliana> just wax it
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> it might burn the first few times
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> but after a while your skin will get used to the chcemicals
[11:48] <noel> bleh not leaving as yet
[11:48] <Sylvos> im not puttin gthat crap near my genitals or anus
[11:48] <noel> bleh ok leaving
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> haha noel
[11:48] <Ebumar_Wrk> later
[11:49] <stragi_wrk> how do you shave it
[11:49] <Ebumar_Wrk> i sent the two poop/shaving articles to my co workers
[11:49] <stragi_wrk> dont think im that flexible
[11:49] <Ebumar_Wrk> i keep hearing "GROSS"
[11:49] <Ebumar_Wrk> and "OH MY GOD HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA"
[11:49] <Ebumar_Wrk> hahaha stragi
[11:49] <Ebumar_Wrk> you're not flexible enough to reach between your legs?
[11:49] <stragi_wrk> not to shave my anus
[11:49] <stragi_wrk> plus i only have one razor
[11:49] <Ebumar_Wrk> how much do you weigh?

[11:49] <Sylvos> im afraid
[11:50] <noel> you place the razor as close to the hole as possible, and shave outward
[11:50] <Sylvos> if i waxxed my area
[11:50] <Sylvos> i'd hurt myself somehow
[11:50] <Ebumar_Wrk> yeah it'd hurt like a bitch vos

[11:50] <Sylvos> god i don teven waanna think about it
[11:50] <noel> I'm too afraid of waxing or nair-type products
[11:50] <Ebumar_Wrk> could always get electrolosis
[11:50] <Sylvos> GOD
[11:50] <Sylvos> THERE IS HAIR THERE FOR A REASON
[11:50] <stragi_wrk> i'm going to nads my anus
[11:50] <Ebumar_Wrk> ahahah
[11:50] <noel> like I said... it's only a problem on the first shave
[11:50] <noel> after that it's easy
[11:50] <Ebumar_Wrk> thats true
[11:50] <noel> make sure you use a new razor too
[11:50] <Ebumar_Wrk> first shave is always a bitch
[11:50] <Ebumar_Wrk> after a few more times
[11:51] <noel> well it's easy if you maintian
[11:51] <Ebumar_Wrk> its easy
[11:51] <noel> maintain
[11:51] <Ebumar_Wrk> and it doesnt even stink anymore
[11:51] <Ebumar_Wrk> hahahah

[11:51] <noel> every other day
[11:51] <pyr0_wrk> does it really lower wind resistance tho?
[11:51] <noel> nah

Laliana · Post by **Laliana** » January 4, 2005, 7:31 pm

Part 2:

[11:53] <Sylvos> OK
[11:54] <Sylvos> I can't handle this convo
[11:54] <Sylvos> i can feel my balls screaming in protest as my taint is ripped of hair
[11:54] <Laliana> I don't get why guys shave...trimming I can see
[11:54] <Laliana> but a guy is supposed to have hair down there!
[11:54] <Sylvos> You can call me Paul Bunyan
[11:55] <stragi_wrk> i find it uncomfortable
[11:55] <stragi_wrk> but i dont shave due to laziness
[11:55] <Ebumar_Wrk> lali
[11:55] <stragi_wrk> and i hate taking a razor down there
[11:55] <Ebumar_Wrk> i used to shave because girls around here like it
[11:55] <Ebumar_Wrk> makes licking much easier
[11:55] <Ebumar_Wrk> and not quite as gross
[11:55] <pyr0_wrk> what, do they actually pay for real floss?
[11:55] <noel> yeah all of my girlfriends have liked it
[11:56] <Ebumar_Wrk> ahha pyro
[11:56] <Laliana> well, call me crazy, but I don't lick assholes =p
[11:56] <Ebumar_Wrk> my current girlfriend (1.5 years) loves the hair - says im more manly with it
[11:56] <Ebumar_Wrk> no balls

[11:56] <noel> Lali is crazy!
[11:56] <noel>

[11:56] <noel> j/k
[11:56] <Ebumar_Wrk> also teh cock sucking
[11:56] <Ebumar_Wrk> apparently is a lot funner without hair there
[11:56] <Ebumar_Wrk> so i did it
[11:57] <Ebumar_Wrk> for my times when i was party hopping and the such
[11:57] <Ebumar_Wrk> ...i was such a whore >_<
[11:57] <masteen> You have hair on your dick?
[11:57] <Ebumar_Wrk> little bit on the base yes - but only because i have shaved
[11:57] <Ebumar_Wrk> now i have to keep it trimmed
[11:57] <Sylvos> i dont want to know this
[11:57] <pyr0_wrk> no crown toupee?
[11:57] <noel> I actually did it for the first time at the request of a girlfriend
[11:57] <noel> I was scared to death
[11:57] <Ebumar_Wrk> likewise noel
[11:58] * Ebumar_Wrk was scurred >_<
[11:58] <noel> but she promised me head whenever I wanted... and...
[11:58] <noel> I'm a guy
[11:58] <noel> so that worked out
[11:58] <noel>

[11:58] <Sylvos> you fell for it
[11:58] <Ebumar_Wrk>

!
[11:58] <masteen> I had a girl offer to shave me
[11:58] <Ebumar_Wrk> ...yeah i didnt get said promises
[11:58] <noel> yeah fuck that
[11:58] <Sylvos> and she then lied and you were ike shit
[11:58] <Ebumar_Wrk> wtf masteen
[11:58] <masteen> I let her, it was cool enough, but ITCHY coming back in
[11:58] <noel> don't ever let them shave you
[11:58] <Ebumar_Wrk> psycho chicks
[11:58] <noel> half of them can't even figure out how to give a fucking handjob
[11:58] <Ebumar_Wrk> yeah dude
[11:58] <masteen> Nah, she did a good job
[11:58] <Ebumar_Wrk> thats just asking for a "chop off the top"
[11:58] <noel> no way I'm letting them operated a razor near my unit
[11:59] <Ebumar_Wrk> yeah serious >_<
[11:59] <Ebumar_Wrk> most girls dont evne know what to do with it
[11:59] <Ebumar_Wrk> let alone be able to shave it
[11:59] <Ebumar_Wrk> meh
[11:59] <masteen> Dude, I dont even use a razor on my face, no way I'd shave myself
[11:59] <Ebumar_Wrk> hahah

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » January 4, 2005, 7:59 pm

wtf you're missing the part about stragi and i gona post pics of our balls on vv >_<

noel · Post by **noel** » January 4, 2005, 8:01 pm

LOL.

You should post the part where Ebu and Stragi are fighting each other for who will post pictures of their scrotum first...

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » January 4, 2005, 8:03 pm

we r0x~

Spankes · Post by **Spankes** » January 4, 2005, 8:16 pm

Ebu makes me laugh~ cyb0rz?

Canelek · Post by **Canelek** » January 4, 2005, 8:21 pm

Buncha slack-jawed faggorts....

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » January 4, 2005, 8:34 pm

yes plz psnak!

fucking miss you dude >_<

i wana do vegas with you again when im 21 ^_^

Spankes · Post by **Spankes** » January 4, 2005, 8:36 pm

And when is that? I am always up for drinking and gambling ><

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » January 4, 2005, 8:41 pm

6 months - june 14th >_<

JUST THINK WE CAN START SAVING NOW!!!!

Zaelath · Post by **Zaelath** » January 4, 2005, 11:47 pm

Shanter · Post by **Shanter** » January 5, 2005, 12:26 am

Ok someone find that poll where girls voted if they liked it shaved/trimmed down there, you assholes got me contemplating all this now.

Ebumar · Post by **Ebumar** » January 5, 2005, 6:15 am

The females here are not normal females - keep that in mind when that poll is brought to attention.

Lalanae · Post by **Lalanae** » January 5, 2005, 2:32 pm

Shanter wrote:Ok someone find that poll where girls voted if they liked it shaved/trimmed down there, you assholes got me contemplating all this now.

I think all chicks prefer trimmed over not trimmed. As far as shaving, I don't think it matters all that much if you don't have a girlfriend to ask what her preference is.

LennartSwahn · Post by **LennartSwahn** » January 11, 2005, 11:10 am

Ok first i have to say i was pretty entertained by the story. Though I have to say I wasnt very impressed on behalf of the arsehair-removalprocedure.

Ok let me put it like this. Its a wellknown fact that hair gets itchy when it grows from shaving it with a razor. Buttocks sliding across eachother with a 3day ass-beard is not a very pleasant thing. I have some experience from shaving stuff and would like to give some advice to all interested in shaving parts of the body.

First of all shaving parts of the body with natural moist is a good thing I think. You get rid of much of the smell that can ouze from your body.

Shaving teh balls is very nice. They dont smell as much and when making out you get a higher "taking the balls in the mouth"-factor. I mean its prolly not very nice taking a furball in the mouth. Sucking on a coconut doesnt really sound that good maybe. Bonusfeature: touching yourself is OMGIAMRETARDEDCAUSEALOTISTWOWORDS more fun.

Back to the arse-beard...

When i first got interested in shaving my ass i thought the procedure over well and long. Itchyness was a factor that I thought of in the early stages. The trick is to get the ROOT, u have to a use hair-removal product. Ok so a brazilian wax in the ass doesnt sound like a pleasant thing to go through. Therefor it have to be a cream or something that u put on and then just wash/strip the hair away. Works very good.
Though the balls is pretty basic stuff. You can use a razor with very good results. WARNING: DO NOT USE A TRIMMER. It can cause LOTS of pain. I did it once and take my warning SERIOUS. It can get MESSY.

Ok so im not in to getting orally pleasured in my ass. I guess im a bit homofobic in that way. What if i like it?! Whats next then? One finger up my butt or maybe more? Hmm i dont wanna go that way.
Though if your in to that kind of thing a shaved ass is prolly much better.
Its prolly much less bothering to not have to bother about clusters of little miniturds hanging from your assbeard.

So to all those interested in arseshaving:

1. Do not use a razor.
2. Hair-removalcream is gudd.
3. Ballshaving, razor is ok (I mean a blade NOT an electrical razor)
4. Farting is pleasant when shaved.
5. If u get sweat between the buttocks: put a piece of toiletpaper
in your butt to suck up the moist.
6. If u get trouble with friction, use a lubricant. Sure it feels strange but you dont get a burning sensation.
7. Shave stuff around your arse-area (above and under) or it will look very strange.

GOOD LUCK to all arse-shavers out there.