An American tourist goes on a trip
to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in
the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright
green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to
see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen
anything like this before, orders
some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days
later and the doctor says: "I've got
bad news for you - you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very
little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed
and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry,
there's no known cure. We're going
to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely
not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a
Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his
penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah,
yeah, I already know that, but
what we can do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head
and laughs: "Stupid Amelican
docta, always want to opelate. Make
more money, that way. No need to
opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor,
"You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick
fall off by itself! You save money"
Monday morning funny.
Moderator: TheMachine
-
Bubba Grizz
- Super Poster!
- Posts: 6121
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 12:52 pm
- Gender: Male
- Location: Green Bay, Wisconsin
A man was walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks", she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife", the man replies indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know".
"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face"!
"Twenty bucks", she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife", the man replies indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know".
"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face"!
A man and his wife are walking through the park and they see a flying saucer land, out walks a male and female martian so the humans walk over and start talking to them,the human couple invites the martians to their place for a drink,the two couples hit it off great and find they have OMGIAMRETARDEDCAUSEALOTISTWOWORDS in common, well one thing leads to another and the two couples decide to swap partners for the night, so the human woman grabs the martian man and leads him to the bedroom the martian takes off his clothes and the woman sees his Rod is the size of a pencil eraser, she gets all bummed out and says to the guy "what are you gonna do with that.. it's kinda small" so the martian twists his left ear and his pecker grows 10 inches.. she says "wow thats something!!... but it's still awefully thin" so the martian twists his right ear and his unit swells to the size of a large sausage and they go at it all night long...
the next morning the martians thank the earthlings for their hospitality and leave, the husband and wife are sitting at the table and the husband asks the wife how her night was, she says "it was incredible, some of the best sex i've ever had, How about you?" the husband says "it was ok, but the bitch kept playing with my ears all night long"
the next morning the martians thank the earthlings for their hospitality and leave, the husband and wife are sitting at the table and the husband asks the wife how her night was, she says "it was incredible, some of the best sex i've ever had, How about you?" the husband says "it was ok, but the bitch kept playing with my ears all night long"
-
Hammerstalker PE
- Way too much time!
- Posts: 1153
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 3:22 pm
- Location: Rancho Santa Margarita, Ca. USA
A guy couldn't obtain an erection so he went to the doctor. The doctor told him the muscle tissues at the base of his penis had broken down and there was nothing he could do unless he was willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asked what the surgery was. The doctor told him they'd take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy commented that that sounded pretty scary, but the thought of never having sex again was too much so he'd agreed to the operation.
The doctor performed the surgery. Six weeks later, the doctor called and gave the guy the go-ahead to "try out his new equipment." Happily, the guy took his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he started feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It got so unbearable, and he figured no one could see him down there so he undid his pants to relieve some of the pressure. No sooner did he do this, his penis popped out of his pants, rolled across the table, grabbed a dinner roll, and disappeared back into his pants!
His girlfriend sat in shock for a few seconds, and then got a sly look on her face. She said, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he said, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
The guy asked what the surgery was. The doctor told him they'd take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy commented that that sounded pretty scary, but the thought of never having sex again was too much so he'd agreed to the operation.
The doctor performed the surgery. Six weeks later, the doctor called and gave the guy the go-ahead to "try out his new equipment." Happily, the guy took his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he started feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It got so unbearable, and he figured no one could see him down there so he undid his pants to relieve some of the pressure. No sooner did he do this, his penis popped out of his pants, rolled across the table, grabbed a dinner roll, and disappeared back into his pants!
His girlfriend sat in shock for a few seconds, and then got a sly look on her face. She said, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he said, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
Boo. Oogah Boo. Double Uh-Oh. Licensed to slow.
couple more little funnies
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
How to Shower
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
How to Shower
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
-
masteen
- Super Poster!
- Posts: 8197
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 12:40 pm
- Gender: Mangina
- Location: Florida
- Contact:
Bubba steals his material from Maxim!!! Exproiter!!!
"There is at least as much need to curb the cruel greed and arrogance of part of the world of capital, to curb the cruel greed and violence of part of the world of labor, as to check a cruel and unhealthy militarism in international relationships." -Theodore Roosevelt
-
Bubba Grizz
- Super Poster!
- Posts: 6121
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 12:52 pm
- Gender: Male
- Location: Green Bay, Wisconsin
-
Bubba Grizz
- Super Poster!
- Posts: 6121
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 12:52 pm
- Gender: Male
- Location: Green Bay, Wisconsin
Mommy & "Uncle" Frank
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of
golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who
fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to
the
clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey,
it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's
upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says,
"But
you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in
the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down
the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay,
Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well,
I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out
of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over
the rug and fell through the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no
clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window
into
the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out
all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and
now
he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of
golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who
fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to
the
clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey,
it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's
upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says,
"But
you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in
the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down
the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay,
Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well,
I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out
of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over
the rug and fell through the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no
clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window
into
the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out
all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and
now
he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"