Growing Older - now 41 edition
Posted: July 25, 2007, 1:09 pm
Ingrown Hair on my Jugular Vein - I was gonna leave it alone - but ...
While showering this morning I decided to get my Schick Ultra, lather up and shave for the first time in a week. With the three rows of honed steel and lubricating comfort strips on its swiveled head, I expected no discomfort when I would delicately pass over my throbbing goiter.
The razor hit the fleshy mound and abruptly stopped much like a lawn mower would when it hits a railroad tie. I pulled the razor away and it popped off my neck as easily as Velcro releases from itself. It pulled from my skin the same way a staple would.
Phase one - Stop the bleeding - I'm not going to say that I bled, I just want you to envision what it would look like if an elephant were to stomp on the belly of a full bottle of Mrs.. Butterworth's syrup. I thought I was hit by a sniper and was witnessing the exit wound. Fortunately for me, the shaving cream helped cease the platelet fountain and the ruddy pink foam finally became an off-white once more.
I rinsed off the razor under the shower head and witnessed the 'top hat' of the goiter fly away from the water stream. - it was the size of a Swedish Fish tail.
I resumed shaving and rinsed off the remaining cream from my face to get my first look at the bloody cereal bowl that is now my neck.
The divot was deep and filled with angry puss. No, I did not see the rip cord this time, there was nothing to pull, that may have been still attached to that Red Hot sized piece of meat that already was down the drain. Just a cauldron of milky hate - waiting to share its putrid bounty and surprise attack of pain with the rest of my body and soul.
Phase two - Extraction by the Dabble method - I stepped out of the shower, toweled off and lean over the sink to explore options for draining the vile tapioca blue hole. I decided on the 'dabble'. I took the corner of some toilet paper and dabbled on the gaping wound clearing the slightly colored fluid around the crater and found what can only be described as the pulsating Cheese Dip heart of this infection. There would be no removing my dabbing today my friend.
Phase three - I'm no Nancy boy so I am now about to do 'the squeeze'. I first look around to find a decent place to land if I pass out. My first attempt is a simple pinch with my right index finger and thumb. PAIN! Sweet Fancy Moses - nothing but horrible pain. Nothing comes out and the area is now beginning to swell. My pulse is racing - I can tell because I now feel every heart beat and feel the area growing with every rush of blood to the area from my heart.
Phase three A - I now go for the 'Double Index Finger' squeeze - more torque and the help of the fingernails if needed. I find sure footing with the balls of my fingertips and start the slow, deliberate push downward hoping to get some movement from that cyst drumming under that imaginary force field. My right finger slips- MY RIGHT FINGER SLIPS!!! I graze the top of the wound with my fingernail with what had to be the force of a hammer hitting an anvil in a blacksmith's shop.
The formerly cauterized wound is now a gusher again. I have tears streaming down my cheeks now and have said things to Jesus that he may not forgive me for. I'm still sorry God, please forgive me.
I recoup, and have stopped the bleeding once more - My hands are trembling. Time for the seldom used phase four -
Phase four - Drilling - I get a long pin that was taken off of one of my wife's most recent clothes purchases - the kind with the nice plastic ball on the end. I settle in front of the mirror and slide the pin into the sides of this wound - the pin goes in at least two millimeters on three separate sides. I feel no pain, and just want the pressure to subside. I now know how the victims form Alien felt just before the creature birthed itself from their sternum.
That is when I see it- instead of blood oozing out from one of my holes - a meringue friend from my youth shows itself. Hello there, I remember you from picture day my Junior year in High School. You're just a harmless blemish waiting to be harvested onto my bathroom mirror. I know your ways, I knows your tricks, I know how to cull you from the herd. I go back to the finger squeeze and Eureka! - the offending fiend from my inner neck abruptly exits though the man-made fire escape. Another squeeze from top to bottom this time and I'm done. The pathetic foe is now systematically wiped from my mirror as many of his kind were twenty years earlier.
I smile - and like getting healed with some futuristic device from Doctor McCoy - the swelling subsided, the pain went away and I almost look half way normal. I sighed, gelled my hair and administered my deodorant and brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair and sprayed a few sprays of Polo Black on my neck and went off to my - OH MY GOD! POLO BLACK ON MY WOUND OHHHH GOD THE PAIN. Ohh stieeeeeng stingy steeeeng - oo o o oo o - okay - okay - okay- that was good, okay -
Now off to work.
Have a great day.
While showering this morning I decided to get my Schick Ultra, lather up and shave for the first time in a week. With the three rows of honed steel and lubricating comfort strips on its swiveled head, I expected no discomfort when I would delicately pass over my throbbing goiter.
The razor hit the fleshy mound and abruptly stopped much like a lawn mower would when it hits a railroad tie. I pulled the razor away and it popped off my neck as easily as Velcro releases from itself. It pulled from my skin the same way a staple would.
Phase one - Stop the bleeding - I'm not going to say that I bled, I just want you to envision what it would look like if an elephant were to stomp on the belly of a full bottle of Mrs.. Butterworth's syrup. I thought I was hit by a sniper and was witnessing the exit wound. Fortunately for me, the shaving cream helped cease the platelet fountain and the ruddy pink foam finally became an off-white once more.
I rinsed off the razor under the shower head and witnessed the 'top hat' of the goiter fly away from the water stream. - it was the size of a Swedish Fish tail.
I resumed shaving and rinsed off the remaining cream from my face to get my first look at the bloody cereal bowl that is now my neck.
The divot was deep and filled with angry puss. No, I did not see the rip cord this time, there was nothing to pull, that may have been still attached to that Red Hot sized piece of meat that already was down the drain. Just a cauldron of milky hate - waiting to share its putrid bounty and surprise attack of pain with the rest of my body and soul.
Phase two - Extraction by the Dabble method - I stepped out of the shower, toweled off and lean over the sink to explore options for draining the vile tapioca blue hole. I decided on the 'dabble'. I took the corner of some toilet paper and dabbled on the gaping wound clearing the slightly colored fluid around the crater and found what can only be described as the pulsating Cheese Dip heart of this infection. There would be no removing my dabbing today my friend.
Phase three - I'm no Nancy boy so I am now about to do 'the squeeze'. I first look around to find a decent place to land if I pass out. My first attempt is a simple pinch with my right index finger and thumb. PAIN! Sweet Fancy Moses - nothing but horrible pain. Nothing comes out and the area is now beginning to swell. My pulse is racing - I can tell because I now feel every heart beat and feel the area growing with every rush of blood to the area from my heart.
Phase three A - I now go for the 'Double Index Finger' squeeze - more torque and the help of the fingernails if needed. I find sure footing with the balls of my fingertips and start the slow, deliberate push downward hoping to get some movement from that cyst drumming under that imaginary force field. My right finger slips- MY RIGHT FINGER SLIPS!!! I graze the top of the wound with my fingernail with what had to be the force of a hammer hitting an anvil in a blacksmith's shop.
The formerly cauterized wound is now a gusher again. I have tears streaming down my cheeks now and have said things to Jesus that he may not forgive me for. I'm still sorry God, please forgive me.
I recoup, and have stopped the bleeding once more - My hands are trembling. Time for the seldom used phase four -
Phase four - Drilling - I get a long pin that was taken off of one of my wife's most recent clothes purchases - the kind with the nice plastic ball on the end. I settle in front of the mirror and slide the pin into the sides of this wound - the pin goes in at least two millimeters on three separate sides. I feel no pain, and just want the pressure to subside. I now know how the victims form Alien felt just before the creature birthed itself from their sternum.
That is when I see it- instead of blood oozing out from one of my holes - a meringue friend from my youth shows itself. Hello there, I remember you from picture day my Junior year in High School. You're just a harmless blemish waiting to be harvested onto my bathroom mirror. I know your ways, I knows your tricks, I know how to cull you from the herd. I go back to the finger squeeze and Eureka! - the offending fiend from my inner neck abruptly exits though the man-made fire escape. Another squeeze from top to bottom this time and I'm done. The pathetic foe is now systematically wiped from my mirror as many of his kind were twenty years earlier.
I smile - and like getting healed with some futuristic device from Doctor McCoy - the swelling subsided, the pain went away and I almost look half way normal. I sighed, gelled my hair and administered my deodorant and brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair and sprayed a few sprays of Polo Black on my neck and went off to my - OH MY GOD! POLO BLACK ON MY WOUND OHHHH GOD THE PAIN. Ohh stieeeeeng stingy steeeeng - oo o o oo o - okay - okay - okay- that was good, okay -
Now off to work.
Have a great day.
Good lord, I love your stories.
Have a good one mate