Xouqoa is a cruel genius. He's the kind of man who will invite a friend to picnic with him in a park and then stabs his companion repeatedly in the throat for no other reason than to watch the way their blood sprays and spurts out of their neck. Xouqoa is a hateful artist. He will crouch down, low in the dust, and drag one finger of his murderer's hand through the cooling pool of sticky crimson and then write a poem on the dirt.
Xouqoa is the world's greatest lover. He injects testosterone directly into the shaft of his penis so that he can remain rigid and stimulated for dozens of hours without pause. He is a man with epicurean tastes, preferring to dine on truffles and caviar placed on a platinum inlaid serving tray that balances on the back of a woman he is balls deep in. He will drink champagne from the skull of a saint mid-coitus if it offers even a slim chance to provide him with a febrile hallucination akin to a religious vision.
Xouqoa buries cowboys up to their neck in the hard pan dirt of the desert and drives off laughing. He doesn't even care enough to watch them die.
Xouqoa will swerve to hit a cat, jump at the chance to throttle a dog, and volunteer his whole family to have their skin flayed as long as their tormentors promise to mail him a copy of the video. If it suits his mysterious master plan, Xouqoa will sit motionless for days on end. Xouqoa thinks DVDs are a fad, and he's right.
Xouqoa is your best friend. He will be there for you when the chips are down. He will spend long hours on the phone with your sobbing daughter and he doesn't even want to get into her pants. Xouqoa will read your eulogy and then set up a scholarship fund for troubled teens in your name. He will cry when he thinks about all you might have done with your life. He will write your obituary and leave out the time the two of you got drunk and dared each other to have sex with a sleeping cow.
Xouqoa is your worst enemy. He will gain your confidence and betray you at a critical moment. He will do anything it takes to get into your sobbing daughter's pants and he plans on taking pictures. Xouqoa will spit on your grave and steal your birth certificate to create a fake identity. He will laugh when he thinks about how he got away with murdering you. He will write anonymous letters to the editor that includes evidence proving you had sex with animals.
When hope is lost and things fall apart you will pray to God and Xouqoa will be there, snatching your prayers as they float into the ether like he's catching fish in the river of sorrow. He will unfold each prayer and carefully read it, then laugh and rain pestilence, famine, and war down upon us all. Xouqoa will be there when the world burns with a can of kerosene and a book of matches. Xouqoa enjoys miniature golf. Sexually.
Xouqoa has a promising career as a computer repair technician at Circuit City. Xouqoa manages a successful chain of donut stores in Malaysia, and he hates you for being fat. When he's sleeping Xouqoa is just like the rest of us, except his dreams can kill. Xouqoa is addicted to purchasing show ponies and he's not afraid to admit it.
Xouqoa thinks politicians are rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Xouqoa sunk the Titanic, but not the way you're thinking. Xouqoa's favorite band is "The Prodigy" and his favorite song is "Mindfields". When a tree falls in the forest Xouqoa is there, no matter what, to hear it fall. He can levitate at will but chooses to walk for the exercise. Xouqoa sends postcards to women reminding them to "check your pussy for bugs".
Xouqoa predicted the last big Earthquake in Japan by looking at the surface of the moon through binoculars. If you ask him Xouqoa can tell you how long you have left to live, but only because he shoots everyone who asks him with a revolver as a joke. His favorite console is the Playstation 2 but he likes the Gamecube "okay" and thinks the Xbox's hard drive is "pretty neat". Xouqoa has not beaten a roleplaying game since "Bard's Tale II" but he got all A ratings in the first day of owning "Gran Turismo 3".
If you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But, if you've made your peace, the devils are really Xouqoa, freeing you from the earth.
Xouqoa thinks Mexicans are stupid but does not consider himself a racist. Disco is not dead, at least not in Xouqoa's house it isn't. Xouqoa has forgotten more about martial arts than you will ever know. Xouqoa hosted a discussion panel with former president Jimmy Carter and halfway through the proceedings hurled a tabletop through Carter's chest. You can only see Xouqoa out of the corner of your eye. If you try to focus on him he dances out of sight like a hummingbird.
Xouqoa voted "yes" on proposition 80 because 80 is one of his favorite numbers. Xouqoa has journeyed to the center of the earth and befriended the blind cave gnomes that live there. Xouqoa has waged ceaseless war on hemlines. When it comes to abortion Xouqoa lives by the old adage "if there's grass on the field then play ball!"
Here are Xouqoa's favorite things:
10. The entire TGIF lineup
9. The number nine.
8. Women's hats.
7. Boxed wine.
6. Those circular soft plastic combs.
5. TETSSSSUOOOO!!!
4. Windex.
3. KANADAAAAA!!!!
2. Photographs of chairs.
1. Transformers Beast Wars
Xouqoa does not smoke but likes to be around people who do. He is involved in a trademark infringement lawsuit with the actor who portrays Chairman Kaga on TV's "Iron Chef". Xouqoa once climbed to the top of Mount Hood and then took a nap. Xouqoa was married to the sea but grew jealous of the Kraken and filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. He wants you to fail.
Xouqoa thanks you for your contribution. He has lobbied long and hard to legalize shrink rays. There are few things in this world more comforting than a hug from Xouqoa and one of them is a kiss from Xouqoa. Xouqoa just installed spyware on your computer to monitor your web browsing habits. Xouqoa is giving away free lobsters again.
Close your eyes and imagine a place far away from the tumult of the world around you. Travel deep inside yourself to this place, a quiet refuge that only you know about. Concentrate on every detail of this place. The way the air smells, the temperature, the feel of the floor beneath your feet. Xouqoa knows about this place, and it's on a short list of things he plans to set fire to.
Xouqoa is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.
Stolen from http://www.somethingawful.com which was probably stolen from somewhere else!
Xouqoa
Moderator: TheMachine
-
Drolgin Steingrinder
- Way too much time!
- Posts: 3510
- Joined: July 3, 2002, 5:28 pm
- Gender: Male
- PSN ID: Drolgin
- Location: Århus, Denmark
