VeeshanVault

...and expect to encounter more than my fair share of hypocritical family members that wish the best of the departed but could never have bothered to show up more than 2, 3 times - if at all - durring the last decade to visit said departed when it mattered.

Any tips from people that have been in similiar situations that don't involve creating a major scene or inflicting bodily harm?


edit to request the ever so rarely used Flame Free tag.

Akaran_D wrote:...and expect to encounter more than my fair share of hypocritical family members that wish the best of the departed but could never have bothered to show up more than 2, 3 times - if at all - durring the last decade to visit said departed when it mattered.

Any tips from people that have been in similiar situations that don't involve creating a major scene or inflicting bodily harm?


edit to request the ever so rarely used Flame Free tag.

I'm attending my grandmother's funeral service next weekend. Being an atheist, I deal with death differently than most of my family but understand the significance of the service and want to be there to support my mother and her brothers and sisters. I don't think a memorial service is the time to deal with family members that are hypocritical. Being there to support the family members that were close to the deceased is much more important.

Pretty much just ignore everything that will piss you off. Even if they say things that are completly wrong, dont start anything. Memorials are to honor, no one wants bickering at thier funerals.

Last year my aunt died of an illness at age 52. When she started to go downhill, her adult-children and husband just kept waiting for someone else to do something about it. Eventually Mom and I did emotionally, physically and financially. At the wake/funeral they treated my mother and I like two saints for all we had done for their mother. The entire time I was seething inside with sarcastic comments like "Stop fucking thanking me. I didn't do it for you did I? I did it for my aunt because you and the rest of that family she poured so much into, abandoned her."

My advice:
1. Don't stay any longer than you have too. Most people will assume you don't like memorial services or that you are too upset to stay long.
2. Like Winnow said, be there as support for the people who deserve it, be "crisp" yet polite to those who don't and excuse yourself from them quickly.
3. Think about the person who has died and how they would like you to behave at their memorial service - do that.

Thanks folks.
Similiar situation to those described here: Grandma had a stroke 9 years ago that left her half paralyzed, had another 3 years ago that left her bedfast, and one a couple weeks ago that lead to her death last week; I can count on one hand the number of assholes that will be showing up that actually ever bothered TO show up durring the last decade.

I'm... miffed.

Akaran_D wrote:I'm... miffed.

It's not about you. It's about showing respect for the departed. If there is any time in life to take the high road, this is it.

If you sit towards the front and tend to shy away from large gatherings of people during the wake or the reception afterwards, people usually think that you're too upset to speak, but it also leaves you free to not have to deal with the people htat would piss you off.

Also: Don't get drunk.

Akaran_D wrote:Thanks folks.
Similiar situation to those described here: Grandma had a stroke 9 years ago that left her half paralyzed, had another 3 years ago that left her bedfast, and one a couple weeks ago that lead to her death last week; I can count on one hand the number of assholes that will be showing up that actually ever bothered TO show up durring the last decade.

I'm... miffed.

Shit man.. I know what you've been through at least the last 2 years or so with pretty much taking care of her yourself. Just be glad she is in a better place. Be assured that there will be someone that will do or say something stupid.. Just remember YOU were the one that got to share her last years on earth with. No one can take that away from you. The stupid things they will say and do will be because of their own guilt. nothing more. nothing less.

If you still have mine and Sintyl's # feel free to use it if you just need to vent, talk or whatever.

My thoughts will be with you,
-Aj