Another growiing older story
Posted: December 18, 2003, 7:38 pm
I'm falling apart. I'm closing in on 38 yet still eat like I'm seven-years-old and my folks are out of town.
I hid a Sam's Club box on mini-Éclairs from my wife the last time I went to Sam's. Put them in the bottom of the freezer and thaw out only the éclairs I 'need' at the moment of weakness. Last night was a 13 mini-éclair moment.
Problem was, I ate all 13 but failed to eat dinner. Sweet Jesus, they were good and I was full … who needs nutrients?
Fast-forward to work today and my belly is peculating. It sounded exactly like the 'surprise cake' in the old Little Rascals show with Stimey in it. You know, the cake they put rat traps and shoes in? It eventually exploded, but we'll get to that in a sec.
I was heading to the John to take care of this cacophony of bile when I was pressured by workmates to head to the catfish joint up the street. I ordered the three-piece Catfish, Fries, Hush Puppies and a slice of Key Lime pie. That's right folks, I greased the skids.
Heading back to work (we walked) the audible belly sounds became a kicking baby of dung. I had to stop three times, cheeks pursed, to keep any choco-dablooms from escaping. Concern came from my coworkers as they thought it was my heart or a cramp. I dare not tell them.
Walking very upright I make it to the first floor handi-stall. At this point my ass knows where I am and there is no time for seat maintenance (a cleansing swipe with paper and perhaps a courtesy flush).
If squeamish, please read no further.
I did not have to push at all, this fecal matter had a mind of its own and new its home. I let out such a violent rush of pre-processed ass stew that the flow hit the toilet water and geysered up through the space between my anal cleft and the lip of the toilet seat. That's right, I shit on my own back - at work. I now know what it feels like to be a chick (or gay dude) and have someone pull out while doggie-style. I didn't like it a bit.
At first I though, no hoped, it was simply water. A quick check with the paper proved otherwise.
What to do? Do I put an end to the session and commence with the cleaning up? Do I continue and pray nobody enters? Do I just pretend it didn't happen and go through the remainder of my career as 'Stinky'?
Well, I chose to sit there, finish and started the clean up. Thank God our dispenser has two giant rolls of TP. I start high and dabble low. One side, then the other. Two flushes, three flushes, four flushes of varying amounts of dirtied toilet paper. Thank you Lord for not clogging the drain.
Finally a clean swipe, then another clean swipe and I'm free. No witnesses.
I slather my hands and arms with soap, doing my best representation of a heart surgeon preparing for a transplant. I leave the bathroom and am greeted by two of my co-workers making sure I was okay.
They were smiling because they heard the six total flushes and knew I just gave birth to something heinous. I limped to the elevators and nothing was said.
So .. marking down my calendar .. at 37, bodily functions falling apart. It’s all downhill from here. I’ll keep you posted of my next fascinating shortcoming.
I hid a Sam's Club box on mini-Éclairs from my wife the last time I went to Sam's. Put them in the bottom of the freezer and thaw out only the éclairs I 'need' at the moment of weakness. Last night was a 13 mini-éclair moment.
Problem was, I ate all 13 but failed to eat dinner. Sweet Jesus, they were good and I was full … who needs nutrients?
Fast-forward to work today and my belly is peculating. It sounded exactly like the 'surprise cake' in the old Little Rascals show with Stimey in it. You know, the cake they put rat traps and shoes in? It eventually exploded, but we'll get to that in a sec.
I was heading to the John to take care of this cacophony of bile when I was pressured by workmates to head to the catfish joint up the street. I ordered the three-piece Catfish, Fries, Hush Puppies and a slice of Key Lime pie. That's right folks, I greased the skids.
Heading back to work (we walked) the audible belly sounds became a kicking baby of dung. I had to stop three times, cheeks pursed, to keep any choco-dablooms from escaping. Concern came from my coworkers as they thought it was my heart or a cramp. I dare not tell them.
Walking very upright I make it to the first floor handi-stall. At this point my ass knows where I am and there is no time for seat maintenance (a cleansing swipe with paper and perhaps a courtesy flush).
If squeamish, please read no further.
I did not have to push at all, this fecal matter had a mind of its own and new its home. I let out such a violent rush of pre-processed ass stew that the flow hit the toilet water and geysered up through the space between my anal cleft and the lip of the toilet seat. That's right, I shit on my own back - at work. I now know what it feels like to be a chick (or gay dude) and have someone pull out while doggie-style. I didn't like it a bit.
At first I though, no hoped, it was simply water. A quick check with the paper proved otherwise.
What to do? Do I put an end to the session and commence with the cleaning up? Do I continue and pray nobody enters? Do I just pretend it didn't happen and go through the remainder of my career as 'Stinky'?
Well, I chose to sit there, finish and started the clean up. Thank God our dispenser has two giant rolls of TP. I start high and dabble low. One side, then the other. Two flushes, three flushes, four flushes of varying amounts of dirtied toilet paper. Thank you Lord for not clogging the drain.
Finally a clean swipe, then another clean swipe and I'm free. No witnesses.
I slather my hands and arms with soap, doing my best representation of a heart surgeon preparing for a transplant. I leave the bathroom and am greeted by two of my co-workers making sure I was okay.
They were smiling because they heard the six total flushes and knew I just gave birth to something heinous. I limped to the elevators and nothing was said.
So .. marking down my calendar .. at 37, bodily functions falling apart. It’s all downhill from here. I’ll keep you posted of my next fascinating shortcoming.