VeeshanVault

Happy to oblige

At the tender age of 15 years, and only a few days after having sex for the first time I was, needless to say, a bit uncomfortable with how I had performed. I figured 18 seconds of wonderful love, may not net me much more from my seasoned professional (16 year old) of a girlfriend.

The dilemna I was left with was finding the perfect practice strategy to get the act down like a scene from a 10 year running Broadway play. Shower-jackin didn't cut it, it only left me with glue on the hands once water hit it. Magazines didn't take it very far because of all the fumbling around when you get tired of a certain picture (thank God for point and click prOn these days). Finally I decided that I needed to recreate the ordeal as perfectly as possible. Not sitting in a chair, not standing in the shower, but lying down and making love like a veteran.

My solution? I fell in Love... With my couch. She was a nice floral number. Dark brown with slightly raised paisley background. Velure was the material of choice in the 80's and fit the plan too well.

For weeks I'd save myself while in the shower, dry off, dust on the baby powder and meet my 92inch mistress behind closed doors, while my mother and stepfather watched the Cosby Show and other favorite shows of the time. I figured there's NO way they are going to leave the TV when Theo is about to get into another hilarious mess.

Cutting to the chase...

So there I am full on into a marathon couch-humping session, with ass flying around as I gave that beautiful couch the fuck of it's life. I couldn't WAIT to show off my truly l33t skeelz to my girlfriend that weekend while her parents were gone.

As I'm reaching the apex of my olympic-style one-man couch-hump-a-athon, I hear my stepfather clear his throut, and there he is standing in the doorway with his back to me.

" Dinner's ready, we're eating early. Your mom doesn't feel good."

Dinner that night was a little different. 2 weeks later I had new furniture in the game room.

Somewhere someone is likely to still be sitting on my first true love, only a little less fortunate than me for not knowing her true potential.

My most embarassing moment was when I was 16 in high school and a cheerleader. Well we are on the football field and doing our routine and one of the guys flung me in the air well when he caught me under one leg and arm (we threw in dance moves too) the hand under my leg caught my panties and tore them. Well I was so busy I never felt them let go and did a high kick not only did I manage to kick them up into the stands right into my male science teacher's lap (he was an old fuddy duddy i think the poor guy had a heartattack right there) but I managed to flash my entire school and the opposing team school. Then some nut had to just shout out the carpet does match the drapes and I ran off the field crying.