VeeshanVault

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

hahaah

YAY joke thread.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a
truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the
driver's door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the
body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic
you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions
that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm
is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

omg cartalas you racist fuckstick!


A gorilla walks into a bar.
Orders a beer.
Bartender says, "That'll be $20".
Gorilla pays.
The bartender says, "You know we don't many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "No wonder with these fucking prices"

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are gettingready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

A woman is about to get married and she wants to make it seem as if she's a virgin for him.
So she goes to a doctor's office and tells the doctor," I've told my husband to be that I'm still a virgin, but between you and me, I've been around the block a few times, is there anything I can do?"
"Sure, take this rubberband and slide it up your thigh. Just as he puts it in, snap the ruberband. When he asks what it was, say he just popped your cherry"

So the woman goes home. They get married and on their first night, they're getting ready to do it. So, she slips the rubberband on like the doctor told her to. He puts it in and she snaps the rubberband as told.

The husband says. "What was that!"
"You just popped my cherry"
"Yeah, well you better pop it again because you got one of my balls caught!"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The priest asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

on the subject...

what is the difference between acne and a priest?










acne waits until you hit puberty to come on your face

Q. What's the difference between the Audubon zoo (in New Orleans) and the other zoo's in the U.S.?





A. The Audubon zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage AND a recipe.

Voronwë wrote:omg cartalas you racist fuckstick!


A gorilla walks into a bar.
Orders a beer.
Bartender says, "That'll be $20".
Gorilla pays.
The bartender says, "You know we don't many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "No wonder with these fucking prices"

hmm I was wondering what was so racist about the joke but oh well.

i was just goofing off cart =)

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home
but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land
for only $150.

The guy says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and
we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

3 mice are are hanging out talking, these are some pretty macho mice so they are all trying to outdo each other,

the first mouse says "You know those little pellets they throw around trying to poison us? I just love them things, I can eat them all day, they're just like candy to me."

the second mouse not to be out done says "oh yea? you know those traps they put out to catch us? what I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese and when the bar comes down i grab it and do my curls and bench presses with it.

The third mouse says "Wow, you are two tough mice, I'd love to keep hanging around with you but I gotta go fuck the cat"

A male whale and a female whale are out on their first date.
The male whale is trying to think up ways to impress the female.
While pondering for ideas, they go up to the surface for a breath of air.
Off in the distance, the male whale spies a boat.
He turns to the female whale and proudly states.

"I have an idea"
"Lets get a huge breath of air and swim up under that boat"
"Then we will let out all of our air together as hard as we can"
"This should flip the boat over, it will be OMGIAMRETARDEDCAUSEALOTISTWOWORDS of fun"

The female whale sighs and not wanting to upset the male she agrees to his childish plan.

Well, they swim over to the boat and let out all of their air as hard as they can. And, sure enough the boat flips over. Right away, the male whale starts eating up the crew members that were in the water. He goes up for a breath and notices the female whale just floating there watching but not participating. Frustrated and flustered he turns to the female whale and says.

"Come on hurry up, some of them are getting away"
"What are you doing?"

The female whale at that point had had enough and she tells him,

"Listen, I went along with your Blow Job idea."
"But, I AM NOT going to Swallow the Seamen"