VeeshanVault

What is the best joke you have ever heard?

Edit: 100VV's to the best joke posted by Saturday!

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3!

No wait, I messed it up.

Why does it take 3 Polacks to screw in a lightbulb?

Because they're so dumb.

-edit 100 VV's for the person that knows where I got this gem from.

that made me sad

wasn't that suppose to be blonds?

nevermind, I'm a "Polack" AND a blond

You have to appreciate the irony. The movie I got this from, the guy telling this joke was the biggest moron you could ever know, and he's bagging on someone for being dumb. Was funny.

From Super Troopers?

Nope. You gotta tell a joke as well as try to guess the movie, so this does not become a derail!

There are these three cowboys comparing how tough they are, sitting around a campfire. First one says,"I' m so tough once I got in a barfight with ten guys, went outside and wrestled a bear, now its my rug". Second guy says, "Thats nothing, I got in a fight with 15 guys walked out, bit the head off a venemous snake, swallowed its poison, I'm still alive." Third guy said nothing, stirring the coals with his dick.

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3!

No wait, I messed it up.

Why does it take 3 Polacks to screw in a lightbulb?

Because they're so dumb.

Raising Arizona

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be open when she brings it to him.

It's just a joke

100 vv's donated, and the cowboy joke is 0wn.

How many californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None californians screw in hottubs.

There's one in the whole light bulb train of thought.

One keeping in the polish theme

How did the germans invade poland?

They walked in backwards and said they were leaving



And one from my jewish bretheren

Did you hear about the new Jewish gameshow?

It's called, The Price is Too Much

Another from the male chauvinist genre:

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?





Nothing, you done told the bitch twice.

Screw it, a black joke

1st black guy calls his friend, "You want to come over and watch the game?"

2nd guy, " I can't, I'm laying linoleum".

"Ohh yeah? She got a friend?"

Not *quite* retarded thread just yet, but almost there. I take partial blame for my Raising Arizona irony joke.

Why do farts smell?


So deaf people can enjoy them too.

I Always get a snicker out of this one for some reason

Knock knock
Who's there?
Amy Fisher
Amy..
BANG!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Impatient Cow.
Impati...
MOOO!


Ah my 4yr and 6yr old love that one.

How many rockstars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






Just 1, he stands still and let's the world revolve around him

Not the funniest, but here -
One day, two men named Bill and Steve were taking a ride on their motorcycles. All of a sudden, Bill lost control and hit a telephone pole, tearing off the left half of his body. He was immediately rushed to the hospital while Steve waited anxiously to hear if he would make it through. After a long wait, the doctor came out and said to Steve, "He's all right now."

The teacher decided to start off class asking the students to stand up and tell what they had done over the summer and what the had learned from it. She asked who wanted to go first and three hands shot up immediately. Mary Jane, Peggy Sue, and surprisingly Little Johnnie's hand was up also. Not wanting to face a Little Johnnie situation off the bat she called on Mary Jane.

Mary Jane stood and said, "Teacher, this summer I helped on my grandmothers farm and gathered eggs from the hens. The first day I was carrying the basket back and counting them, when I tripped over a hole in the ground and dropped and broke them all." The teacher asked, "What did you learn from this?" Mary Jane replied, "Not to count my chickens before they hatch, Teacher"

The teacher said, "Very good, now you Peggy Sue." She was ignoring the fact that little Johnnie was hopping like mad, and waving his arm around.

Peggy Sue said, "I worked on MY grandmothers farm and gathered the milk every day from the cows, one day I dropped a pail of milk and started to cry." The teacher prompted, "What did you learn from this Peggy Sue?" Peggy Sue replied, " I could not see where I was walking though the tears and tore my dress, so I learned not to cry over spilled milk!"

Little Johnnie appeared to be about to die so the teacher gave in and called on him. Little Johnnie said, "Well teacher all I did was help my dad and listen to war stories all summer." The teacher wondered and asked "What did you learn from this Johnnie?"

Little Johnnie said, "Well Teacher my dad told me about one time in the 'Nam his helicopter had been shot down, and he was alone on the hill with a 5th of whiskey, and a pistol with 6 shots, surrounded by 300 VC!"

The Teacher asked, "What did he do then?"

Little Johnnie said, "Teacher, he drank that 5th, shot the first 6 of the bastards, then beat the hell out of the rest with the empty bottle!"

Taken aback, the Teacher asked again, "What did you learn from this though Johnnie?"

Little Johnnie smiled and said, "I learned not to fuck with my old man when he is drunk!"

Another Little Johnnie joke:

So Little Johnnie is sitting next to an old man in the park eatting candy bars. The old man watches as Little Johnnie eats one, two, three candy bars and continues to pull from a seemingly never ending stash.

The old man says to Little Johnnie, "You know boy, eatting that much candy can be bad for you".

Little Johnnie replies "Well my grandfather lived to be 107 years old", and shoved another candy bar in his mouth.

The old man says astonished "Your grandfather lived to be 107 years old eatting only candy bars!!??"

"No", Little Johnnie says, "He lived to be 107 minding his own fucking business".

Mort wrote:How many rockstars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






Just 1, he stands still and let's the world revolve around him

With your avatar, I would imagine you could come up with a few "Office space" jokes at least

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve "So, how's
everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful." she replied, "The
sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful, but I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that you
have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly
knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes,
they are a real hassle." reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since
many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs,
eyes,ears,etc.,that she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body
more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it.

"That is a fair point." replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those,
but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."And! God
reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three
weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how is
my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your
part.You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, the cow has her
bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I
have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man
from a part of you. Now let's see...where did I put that useless boob?"

/em points at Aranuil.

Weak Shaerra, try harder.

Vaemas wrote:Weak Shaerra, try harder.

BAHAHAHAHAHA THAT WAS HILL-AIR-EEEE-US!!!!

OMFG! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tell us, do you write your own material? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, God. Laughing...tears...sides hurt. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm just glad that, unlike me, you can come up with such comedic gems. Truly, you have the gift. You may be Teh Chosen One!

I've been owned. I shall now go off into a corner and weep. Truly your power is greater than mine! I see the error of my ways.

Your use of caps...brilliant. Overuse of forced laughter...masterful. Exaggeration to drive home your witty, biting sarcasm...genius.

I aspire to one day be as pwn as you.

Wait, that's right. No I don't.

Whats the definition of relative humidity?



Thats the sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your cousin.


Thats for all the inbred west virginians in the house.

What do Cheerleaders and Turtles have in common?
When they're on their backs they're screwed.

Funniest racial jokes I've heard:

Why do Jewish people have such big noses?
Because air is free.

Why do black men have red eyes after sex?
Because of the pepper spray.

How do you keep your wife screaming long after her orgasm?


Wipe your dick on the curtains.

How can you tell which girl in a family of hicks is the virgin?
She's the one who runs faster than all of her brothers.

Q. Whats black and go's crunch in the dark.


A. Ghetto baby chewing paint chips.


Sick,true humor.


Indi

Fuck you.


Krim

AT THE GROCERY STORE...

Billy:May I have a snickers please dad?

Billy's Dad: Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

Billy: well...no.

After seeing what he said to his son, he bough Billy a lottery ticket

Billy: Wow! thanks dad! I won 1000$!

Billy's Dad: Wow, nice son...are you going to share that with me?

Billy: Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

Billy's Dad: Actually I can!

Billy: Good, GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Krimson Klaw wrote:How many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3!

No wait, I messed it up.

Why does it take 3 Polacks to screw in a lightbulb?

Because they're so dumb.

-edit 100 VV's for the person that knows where I got this gem from.

Hey!! My Wife is Polish!!

actually, she makes sarcastic comments about her nationality all the time.

My favorite joke?

Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs-Elyeese?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade!

FOR CLARIFICATION. I WAS NOT KNOCKING ON POLISH PEOPLE, THE ENTIRE POINT OF THAT JOKE WAS THAT THE GUY TELLING IT WAS A MORON, BUT YET HE WAS TRYING TO BAG ON SOMEONE FOR BEING DUMB. IF YOU STILL DON'T GET IT, WATCH THE MOVIE. SO EVERYONE USING THIS AS A SPRINGBOARD TO START YOUR RACIST JOKES CAN GO CHOKE ON FESUNIS BALLS.

-EDIT- No offense Fesuni.

Or how about we lighten up because not everyone has the same sensibilities as you.

Chinese lady is having trouble seeing so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Well ma'am, it looks like you've got a cataract"
"No I don't, it's a Rincoln Continental"

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar bitch you ate.”

edit: punctuation > me
edit 2: spelling also, heh

A panic-stricken hunter calls 911 on his cell phone.


Hunter: "Operator, my buddy and I were walking to our tree stands when he grabbed his chest and fell over! He isn't breathing! I think he's dead!"


Operator: "Calm down sir! First, let's make sure he really is dead."


<pause>

**gunshot**


Hunter: "Ok, now what?"

How is Shaerra different from the Titanic?

They know how many people went down on the Titanic.

Q:What does a blonde do 1st thing in the morning?


A: Goes home

Two friends are hunting in the woods when one is bitten on his penis by a rattlesnake.

The unbitten friend says, "Don't worry man I'll call the hospital and they will tell me how to save you." Calling the hospital he is instructed to remove the poison by sucking it out thereby saving his friends life.

He hangs up pondering this.

The bitten friend in a panic asks what the hospital said. The fellow looks at him and replies, "Well...they said you are going to die."

Did you hear about the guy that drowned in his bowl of Muesli?
He was pulled under by a very strong currant.

It was the end of the year, and just as any.. Finals were coming apon every one. Where we find ourselfs in a class..

..The teacher stood infront of her class. "This years final will sadly be my last, so therefore none are allowed to miss it unless a family death, or sudden sickness comes apon you!"

The smart ass student named Billy in the back raised his hand and said, "What about chronic sexual exhaustion?!"

The teacher kindly smiled, and replied "Well Billy, you'll have write with your other hand"

4 guys walk into a bar
the 5th one ducks!
hahahhahaa

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his nuts.
He orders a drink and the bartender remarks "I do believe you have a steering wheel attached to your testicles sir."
The pirate replies "ARRRRRRR It's Driving me Nuts!"

It's official... Sylvos is a dork:P

The night before a final exam, 4 friends in the same university program go to a party out of town. They get so drunk, they sleep in the following morning and miss the exam. When they return to campus, they beg the course Instructor to allow them to write a makeup exam. The boys tell the Instructor they were all from the same small town and had been home visiting "mom", but on the way back for the exam they had a flat tire.

The Instructor is understanding and tells the boys he will supervise a re-write for them. 3:00 the next day, the boys start the exam. The first page has two questions, each worth 5%. The boys answer them easily.

The 2nd (and final) page had one simple question:
Which tire?(90%)