Fatal Beatings
Posted: June 3, 2003, 2:21 pm
From Brit Skits at http://www.geocities.com/
Hollywood/Lot/5225/index.html
<Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan Atkinson (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for
himself and his visitor>
HEADMASTER:
Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.
PERKINS:
No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud.
HEADMASTER:
Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired.
PERKINS:
Oh dear.
HEADMASTER:
He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him.
PERKINS:
Dear me.
HEAD:
Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’t dead I’d have him expelled.
<long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.>
PERKINS:
I beg your pardon?
HEAD:
Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on his ear.
PERKINS:
He’s dead?
HEAD:
Yes... he’s lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green.
And it’s very typical of his current attitude.
PERKINS: <shocked>
But...
<Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins>
HEADMASTER:
You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely immovable. And beginning to smell.
PERKINS:
Well, how did he die?!?!
HEADMASTER:
Is that important?
PERKINS:<incredulous>
Yes, I think so!
HEADMASTER: <sighs>
Well, it’s all got to do with the library you see. We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you’ll
be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library
card system...
<Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks
up one of the library cards>
PERKINS:
Wait... I’m sorry.... You BEAT my son to death?
HEADMASTER:
Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced....
PERKINS:
Well, exactly what happened?
HEADMASTER:
Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books.
PERKINS:
No, during the beating!
HEADMASTER:
Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was
lying down...
PERKINS:
DEAD?!
HEADMASTER:
Ummm... deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing.
<stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins>
HEADMASTER:
What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where
he gets it from.
PERKINS:
Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?!
HEADMASTER:
Well it was perfectly obvious to me the first day here, I fear. I wondered
then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on.
<Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to "get medieval" on the Headmaster>
PERKINS:
Are you MAD?!?!
HEADMASTER:
Mad? I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!
<a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door>
PERKINS:
This is preposterous!
HEADMASTER:
Yes it is. Or at least it would be... if it were true.
PERKINS:
WHAT?!?!
HEADMASTER:
I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. I’ve been pulling your leg.
<Mr. Perkins sighs with relief>
HEADMASTER:
I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!
Hollywood/Lot/5225/index.html
<Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan Atkinson (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for
himself and his visitor>
HEADMASTER:
Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.
PERKINS:
No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud.
HEADMASTER:
Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired.
PERKINS:
Oh dear.
HEADMASTER:
He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him.
PERKINS:
Dear me.
HEAD:
Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’t dead I’d have him expelled.
<long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.>
PERKINS:
I beg your pardon?
HEAD:
Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on his ear.
PERKINS:
He’s dead?
HEAD:
Yes... he’s lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green.
And it’s very typical of his current attitude.
PERKINS: <shocked>
But...
<Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins>
HEADMASTER:
You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely immovable. And beginning to smell.
PERKINS:
Well, how did he die?!?!
HEADMASTER:
Is that important?
PERKINS:<incredulous>
Yes, I think so!
HEADMASTER: <sighs>
Well, it’s all got to do with the library you see. We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you’ll
be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library
card system...
<Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks
up one of the library cards>
PERKINS:
Wait... I’m sorry.... You BEAT my son to death?
HEADMASTER:
Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced....
PERKINS:
Well, exactly what happened?
HEADMASTER:
Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books.
PERKINS:
No, during the beating!
HEADMASTER:
Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was
lying down...
PERKINS:
DEAD?!
HEADMASTER:
Ummm... deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing.
<stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins>
HEADMASTER:
What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where
he gets it from.
PERKINS:
Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?!
HEADMASTER:
Well it was perfectly obvious to me the first day here, I fear. I wondered
then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on.
<Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to "get medieval" on the Headmaster>
PERKINS:
Are you MAD?!?!
HEADMASTER:
Mad? I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!
<a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door>
PERKINS:
This is preposterous!
HEADMASTER:
Yes it is. Or at least it would be... if it were true.
PERKINS:
WHAT?!?!
HEADMASTER:
I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. I’ve been pulling your leg.
<Mr. Perkins sighs with relief>
HEADMASTER:
I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!
