VeeshanVault

Here's one of my all-time favorites, as delivered by Rowan Atkinson (who is far funnier in his stage show than he is as Bean or Johnny English or any of the other crappy blingbling stuff he's done):


[The Devil, carrying a clipboard, descends from stairs amid swirling smoke and screams of anguish. The Devil looks at the audience and starts his speach:]

"Ah hello!. It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive of you probably realised by now, this is Hell. And I am the Devil, good evening, but you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal in here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell it every time.

Now, you're all here for ..... Eternity! Ooh, which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time, so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for now I'm going to have to split you up in groups. Will you stop Screaming! Thank you.

Now, murderers? Murderers over here, please. Thank you. Looters and Pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them, and Lawyers, you're in that lot too.

Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! Could I split you up into Adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small Guillotine in the corner.

Em... The French, are you here? If you could just like to come down here with the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of Nitwits. Never mind. And finally, christians. Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews were right. If you would come down here, that would be really fine.

Okay! Right, well are there any questions? Yes. No, I'm afraid there aren't any toilets. If you read your Bible, you might have seen that it was damnation without relief, so if you did not go before you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then I believe that's the idea.

Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf! And I'll catch you all later at the barbecue. Bye!

Thanks for posting this.

Been meaning to DL this since your impromptu performance of this at FF.

i heard this before i think, wasnt funny then, isnt funny now

Yeah? WELL, YOU'RE UGLY!

*cry*

It's funny in writing, but what makes it is the silly little devil outfit that Rowan was wearing for this... plus the very dry British delivery. Funny as Hell.

Rowan Atkinson. He is absolutely hilarious.

masteen wrote:It's funny in writing, but what makes it is the silly little devil outfit that Rowan was wearing for this... plus the very dry British delivery. Funny as Hell.

Is this it?

Yup, that's it! The crushed velvet smoking jacket and little stuffed horns are so pwn!

Headmaster: Well now, Mr.Perkins. It was good of you to come in. I realise that you're a busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

Mr Perkins: No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble, then I'd like to nip it in the bud.

Headmaster: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.

Mr Perkins: Dear.

Headmaster: He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever. He refuses to muck in at the sports field. And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

Mr Perkins: Oh, dear me.

Headmaster: Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.

Mr Perkins: I beg your pardon?

Headmaster: Yes, EXPELLED! If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear!

Mr Perkins: You mean he's dead?

Headmaster: Yes... He's lying up there in sick bay now, stiff as a board and bright green, and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. You see, the boy has no sense of moderation: one moment he's flying around like a paper kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable. And beginning to smell.

Mr Perkins: Well, how did he die?!

Headmaster: Well, is that important?

Mr Perkins: Why, yes, I think so!

Headmaster: Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see. We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught, so I don't think we'll be having any trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system...

Mr Perkins: I'm sorry...

Headmaster: ...was...

Mr Perkins: You beat my son to death?

Headmaster: Yes, yes, so it would seem. Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced...

Mr Perkins: Well, exactly what happened?

Headmaster: Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!

Mr Perkins: No, during the beating!

Headmaster: Oh, that? Well...well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I mean, er...

Mr Perkins: Dead?

Headmaster: Mmm... deadish! ... Mr.Perkins, I find this morbid fascination with your son's death quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude! And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from.

Mr Perkins: Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death!

Headmaster: Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here. I wondered then, as I wonder now, if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administrated a few fatal beatings earlier.

Mr Perkins: Are you mad!?

Headmaster: I'm FURIOUS! In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!

Mr Perkins: This is preposterous!

Headmaster: Yes, it is. Or at least, it would be...if it were true.

Mr Perkins: ...What?

Headmaster: I've been joking, Mr Perkins. Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour. I've been pulling your leg.

Mr Perkins: Oh, thank God!

Headmaster: I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!

And now from Nazareth, the Amazing...

And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee. And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of the Jesus said unto the Lord, they have no more wine. And Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill six waterpots with water." And they did so. And when the steward of the feast did taste from the water of the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not whence.it had come.

But the servants did know, so they applauded loudly in the kitchen.And they said unto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?" And inquired of him: " Do you do children's parties?" And the Lord said: "No." But the servants did press him, saying; "Go on, give us another one!"

And so he brought forth a carrot, and said: "Behold this, for it is a carrot." And all about him knew that it was so. For it was orange, with a green top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot, and then removed it, and lo, he held in his hand a white rabbit. And all were amazed, and said: "This guy is really good! He should turn professional."

And they brought him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy. And they cried unto him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!"


And they were filled with joy. And cried out: "Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer."

And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed, and Jesus said unto her: "Put on a tu-tu, and lie down in this box." And then took he forth a saw, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said: "Oh ye of little faith!" And he threa open the box and lo, Mary was whole. And the crowd went absolutely bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow. And he said unto her: "From now on you shall be known as Trixy, for that is a good name for an assistant."

And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this. You should't be wasting your time in a one camel town like Cana. You should be playing in the big arenas in Jerusalem!" And Jesus did hearken to their words. And he did go on to Jerusalem, and he did his full act before the scribes, the Palestinans and the Romans.

But alas it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they crucified him.

Here ends the lesson.