The death of my brother
Posted: May 31, 2011, 12:32 pm
I have an older brother. He's a my half brother. Same mother, different fathers. He's 39, would be 40 in November. We're not what you would call "close", although we were raised together and live in the same town. He's always been emotionally detached from everyone around him. He's one of these people that never, ever took care of himself. He hasn't worked in about 6-7 years due to his disabilities. He's a type 1 diabetic that never takes his medication, eats all the wrong things, and ends up in the hospital at least once a month. He's on Medicare and Medicaid. He never has any money. He is a shining example of people that leech of "the system". However, he is my brother and I love him so I find myself torn on many political issues surrounding people like him. He lived with my mother for the past 2 years so she could take care of him. During that time, he has gone straight down hill. I remember my mother and I had a discussion about 12 years ago that he would never make it to age 40, and we were right. His type 1 diabetes, hypertension, end stage renal disease, diabetic neuropathy, gastroperesis, and so many other chronic conditions it would blow your mind finally caught up with him. His medical chart reads like a 90 year old man's. All of these conditions mean that his wounds never heal and he lost all control of his bodily functions about a year ago. He's had to self cath for the past 5 years. He can barely walk. He's had several toes amputated due to gangrene. The few teeth that are in his head are rotten to the core but no dentist will touch him because the dental work would never heal. On top of all that, he's been in and out of psych units his entire life. He's easily had over a dozen suicide attempts, 2 of them very serious.
His life didn't have to be like this. He's not like a child that gets cancer and dies. Every condition he suffers was brought on by his complete disregard for his own health. He never took meds, went to Dr appointments, or ate within his strict diet. He lived in squaller until my mom took him in. He didn't bathe. He put himself on this path decades ago, but today he is arriving at the destination. He discharged himself from a psych unit the other day and lived in a motel alone for 1 day. At some point, someone called 911. My brother was down for about an hour. He's technically brain dead and has been on life support for the past 24 hours. Today my mother and his father are going to go to the hospital and pull the plug and let him go. He will have an indigent funeral.
I said before that I love my brother, and I do, but he makes me so angry. I have never known anyone so determined to die. Not only die, but in the worse way possible without any regard for the emotional suffering of those around you. He had every opportunity to improve his station in life by simply excepting the help that was offered to him, but he never took it. Or he would, then he would never follow up. He took absolutely no personal responsibility for anything. We had many heart to heart talks, but he always deflected.
Should I go to the unplugging? I don't want to, but I think I might. I have only met his father once about 15 years ago so that might be awkward.
I just feel so... unmoved. When you know for so long that someone is going to basically kill themselves, you get desensitized after awhile. For the past year, every time my mother called, it very well could've been the call telling me my brother had died. Instead, it was usually "We found him passed out in puke and the ambulance took him to the hospital and now he's in ICU".
It's sad. It's maddening. Such willful suffering. Such a meaningless, pathetic life. Despite all of that, I will indeed miss him dearly. I loved him. He was my brother.
His life didn't have to be like this. He's not like a child that gets cancer and dies. Every condition he suffers was brought on by his complete disregard for his own health. He never took meds, went to Dr appointments, or ate within his strict diet. He lived in squaller until my mom took him in. He didn't bathe. He put himself on this path decades ago, but today he is arriving at the destination. He discharged himself from a psych unit the other day and lived in a motel alone for 1 day. At some point, someone called 911. My brother was down for about an hour. He's technically brain dead and has been on life support for the past 24 hours. Today my mother and his father are going to go to the hospital and pull the plug and let him go. He will have an indigent funeral.
I said before that I love my brother, and I do, but he makes me so angry. I have never known anyone so determined to die. Not only die, but in the worse way possible without any regard for the emotional suffering of those around you. He had every opportunity to improve his station in life by simply excepting the help that was offered to him, but he never took it. Or he would, then he would never follow up. He took absolutely no personal responsibility for anything. We had many heart to heart talks, but he always deflected.
Should I go to the unplugging? I don't want to, but I think I might. I have only met his father once about 15 years ago so that might be awkward.
I just feel so... unmoved. When you know for so long that someone is going to basically kill themselves, you get desensitized after awhile. For the past year, every time my mother called, it very well could've been the call telling me my brother had died. Instead, it was usually "We found him passed out in puke and the ambulance took him to the hospital and now he's in ICU".
It's sad. It's maddening. Such willful suffering. Such a meaningless, pathetic life. Despite all of that, I will indeed miss him dearly. I loved him. He was my brother.