Journal Entries
Posted: November 8, 2007, 10:00 am
I was reading through my journal and found some great entries. I thought it would be fun to share some of them with you all. Others who wish to share can also post them in this thread. I noticed about myself that I wrote in my journal most often when I was struggling through different ordeals. I rarely wrote when times were good or I was enjoying life. There is a lapse in my journal from Aug 3, 2003 to May 17, 2005. Almost 2 years without a single entry. There are other times when there are daily entries. My first entry is Oct. 23, 1996. Damn that was a long time ago. I had a lot of angst back then and I was also a horrible writer. Some of the things I wrote are embarrassing for me today. lol. During the early stages of my journal I have a lot of poems that I wrote, and also several quotes or song lyrics that influenced my life. There are also some really funny entries. Obviously, I'm not going to post every entry, but there are some entertaining ones here and there.
Anyway, I'll start with this one. I think it is sort of a funny entry:
April 2, 1997
Quitting job, car breaking down, grades falling, writer's block.
lol.
Here is an entry I wrote at the lowest point during our immigration ordeal. We had been denied appeal by the 10th circuit court, and our deportation was inevitable.
May 7, 1997
It's an unfortunate matter, really. A country that cannot differentiate between its assets and its parasites. And the enemy is not the mind or the heart of a human. It cannot be reasoned with, it cannot be beckoned. It's not even real. It is abstract: The System. What does that mean? The System. How can you argue with The System? How can you show your virtues to it? Oh well, complaining isn't going to solve anything... Maybe it'll turn out to be okay. But everything looks so shallow and hopeless now, I just don't know what to think anymore.
This one is 4 years later, shortly after 9-11. It's pretty long:
January 4, 2002
I made up my losses at the poker table tonight, and my ankle has almost fully healed, it turned out to be almost insignificant. Today, I learned that Karl has been activated. He's probably headed to Afghanistan to "endure freedom." I can't help but to feel pity for him. But the true depressing thought is that he chose to commit part of his life to serve his country, to stand up for the things that he believed in and fight or kill to preserve them without truly realizing what it was he was committing to at that age. I'm sure that deep inside he is proud to serve his country, but what if your country asks you to do something wrong or immoral? Then can you still be proud? I guess if you're young and don't know any better it is much easier to fight for what you think you believe in. But Karl joined at 18 and now he is 25. He is just now going through the realization and reality of adulthood, or the one that exists when you are left to make your own moral decisions. Or maybe that is just what I'm going through and hoping that he is as well. Does fighting a war with an enemy that does not exist or is abstract hinder this process for the individual?
I felt great sorrow about 9-11. I felt angry and a fierce sense of vengeance, not because I was American, but because I was human. But the tragic beauty of that day was that it not only showed the worst a human can be, but by doing so tested mankind and human civilization as it exists. The response to this act is the true test, and I feel that we are failing. It is as that one senator so eloquently put it in his Freudian slip: "This is a battle between good and evil and we will show the world that evil will prevail." A tragically humorous statement. I wonder if that man learned anything about himself that day.
I think what America is doing as a country is wrong simply because the real criminals are dead. They themselves suffered the ultimate punishment and deep inside, everybody knows this. Yet our deep anguish and pain have led us to make decisions that by action directly conflict with the very thoughts and ideals we are trying to preserve and protect, i.e. the sanctity of life.
Say a man goes on a killing spree, murdering several people including his wife and children, then kills himself. Who then is left to be blamed for it? Who will be punished? Should his parents be persecuted? Would the families of the victims be overtaken with such a sense of vengeance that they too commit the same crime? The worst human crime?
9-11 happened because of several reasons. But the prevailing reason is that capitalism taken to its extreme tells us that money sustains life, and therefore is as valuable or more valuable than life itself. Within this society, gangsters are considered criminals because they hold to this extreme. "If murder makes me richer, then I'll be a killer" -Krayzie Bone. Most of humanity, however, understands that this is inherently wrong. But then America as a country (influenced by American corporations and the military-industrial complex) violates this ideal and commits crimes under the veil of freedom. One of these crimes is the oppression of the Saudi people by its American backed dictatorship. Those who saw through this veil understood that this extreme should never be reached, and that it should be stopped or at least examined more closely. It is therefore no coincidence that those who most clearly saw through the veil and decided to do something about it were the victims of the crime. The history of these victims, namely Arabs and Muslims, is pronounced and profound. America's involvement began with the creation of Israel, the induced coup of Iran, and continued throughout the middle east all the way through the blunder they called Operation: Desert Storm. Desert storm exemplified money > life. Considering the culture of the middle east, and the crimes against them throughout the last half century, it is hardly surprising that 9-11 actually occurred. Of course the American layman will never ever understand this.
Americans mistakenly view 9-11 as an act of religious zealotry or jealousy. But the true reasons are rage, hatred, and vengeance. I now understand why it happened. It, or something like it, was going to happen sooner or later. How long will a people continue to put up with being oppressed and robbed? America should understand this better than anyone. Well someone finally drew the line and forced America to look in the mirror. A lot of us were disgusted by what we saw, but most Americans just chose to look away, far far away to a land called the middle east with nothing but vengeance on our minds.
When I think about Karl going to the middle east... well... I'm having enough trouble "enduring freedom" here in America, why would I want to do it there?
Post Script: my friend Karl served a over a year in Baghdad, he returned safely in 2004 with all his limbs attached. He finished his computer science degree and is now working as an independent contractor for an oil industry consulting firm, recreating their entire database. Anyway, I didn't want this thread to be politically driven, I posted that entry as my reaction to 9-11. If anyone wants to discuss this specific entry, please feel free to react to it in the current events forum. I'd like to preserve this thread for journal entries. Here is another one from a few days later:
January 7, 2002
I'm lonely, but I like being alone. Well... I like it more than being with any of the girls I've been with. I miss them all, actually. I miss the feelings I had for them. My heart keeps complaining, but I'm not a fool. I get into trouble, or well, my penis gets me into trouble like a fucking addiction. I have yet to find a woman that satisfies me completely (physically, emotionally, and mentally). It's always one or the other. So for now, I'm going to try to stay out of trouble as long as possible. I fear though, that my passion for life, or at least for living in the moment will make me a slut, especially after I move. I figure I might as well play if I'm moving to the playground. I don't like to break hearts, and I avoided breaking Alex's heart by sacrificing a little of myself. I hope she finds herself but I don't seem to think she ever will.
As for me, Vegas is the center of my focus. I must admit that I'm afraid, not of that city or surviving it, but of the shock of leaving everything I've known as home. What a shitty place to call home. Everything here is so fucking lame. I could fill this journal with my qualms about this place, yet I know I will miss it dearly. I don't want to call it home anymore...
I ended up never moving out to Vegas after planning it for a while. It's funny how you always think the grass will be greener somewhere else. After living in Atlanta for 2 years, I realized just how great Oklahoma was. I just moved to Tampa, and so far, I like it here better than both of the previous cities I've lived in.
Anyway, I'll post more entries from my journal depending on how prolific this thread is.
Anyway, I'll start with this one. I think it is sort of a funny entry:
April 2, 1997
Quitting job, car breaking down, grades falling, writer's block.
lol.
Here is an entry I wrote at the lowest point during our immigration ordeal. We had been denied appeal by the 10th circuit court, and our deportation was inevitable.
May 7, 1997
It's an unfortunate matter, really. A country that cannot differentiate between its assets and its parasites. And the enemy is not the mind or the heart of a human. It cannot be reasoned with, it cannot be beckoned. It's not even real. It is abstract: The System. What does that mean? The System. How can you argue with The System? How can you show your virtues to it? Oh well, complaining isn't going to solve anything... Maybe it'll turn out to be okay. But everything looks so shallow and hopeless now, I just don't know what to think anymore.
This one is 4 years later, shortly after 9-11. It's pretty long:
January 4, 2002
I made up my losses at the poker table tonight, and my ankle has almost fully healed, it turned out to be almost insignificant. Today, I learned that Karl has been activated. He's probably headed to Afghanistan to "endure freedom." I can't help but to feel pity for him. But the true depressing thought is that he chose to commit part of his life to serve his country, to stand up for the things that he believed in and fight or kill to preserve them without truly realizing what it was he was committing to at that age. I'm sure that deep inside he is proud to serve his country, but what if your country asks you to do something wrong or immoral? Then can you still be proud? I guess if you're young and don't know any better it is much easier to fight for what you think you believe in. But Karl joined at 18 and now he is 25. He is just now going through the realization and reality of adulthood, or the one that exists when you are left to make your own moral decisions. Or maybe that is just what I'm going through and hoping that he is as well. Does fighting a war with an enemy that does not exist or is abstract hinder this process for the individual?
I felt great sorrow about 9-11. I felt angry and a fierce sense of vengeance, not because I was American, but because I was human. But the tragic beauty of that day was that it not only showed the worst a human can be, but by doing so tested mankind and human civilization as it exists. The response to this act is the true test, and I feel that we are failing. It is as that one senator so eloquently put it in his Freudian slip: "This is a battle between good and evil and we will show the world that evil will prevail." A tragically humorous statement. I wonder if that man learned anything about himself that day.
I think what America is doing as a country is wrong simply because the real criminals are dead. They themselves suffered the ultimate punishment and deep inside, everybody knows this. Yet our deep anguish and pain have led us to make decisions that by action directly conflict with the very thoughts and ideals we are trying to preserve and protect, i.e. the sanctity of life.
Say a man goes on a killing spree, murdering several people including his wife and children, then kills himself. Who then is left to be blamed for it? Who will be punished? Should his parents be persecuted? Would the families of the victims be overtaken with such a sense of vengeance that they too commit the same crime? The worst human crime?
9-11 happened because of several reasons. But the prevailing reason is that capitalism taken to its extreme tells us that money sustains life, and therefore is as valuable or more valuable than life itself. Within this society, gangsters are considered criminals because they hold to this extreme. "If murder makes me richer, then I'll be a killer" -Krayzie Bone. Most of humanity, however, understands that this is inherently wrong. But then America as a country (influenced by American corporations and the military-industrial complex) violates this ideal and commits crimes under the veil of freedom. One of these crimes is the oppression of the Saudi people by its American backed dictatorship. Those who saw through this veil understood that this extreme should never be reached, and that it should be stopped or at least examined more closely. It is therefore no coincidence that those who most clearly saw through the veil and decided to do something about it were the victims of the crime. The history of these victims, namely Arabs and Muslims, is pronounced and profound. America's involvement began with the creation of Israel, the induced coup of Iran, and continued throughout the middle east all the way through the blunder they called Operation: Desert Storm. Desert storm exemplified money > life. Considering the culture of the middle east, and the crimes against them throughout the last half century, it is hardly surprising that 9-11 actually occurred. Of course the American layman will never ever understand this.
Americans mistakenly view 9-11 as an act of religious zealotry or jealousy. But the true reasons are rage, hatred, and vengeance. I now understand why it happened. It, or something like it, was going to happen sooner or later. How long will a people continue to put up with being oppressed and robbed? America should understand this better than anyone. Well someone finally drew the line and forced America to look in the mirror. A lot of us were disgusted by what we saw, but most Americans just chose to look away, far far away to a land called the middle east with nothing but vengeance on our minds.
When I think about Karl going to the middle east... well... I'm having enough trouble "enduring freedom" here in America, why would I want to do it there?
Post Script: my friend Karl served a over a year in Baghdad, he returned safely in 2004 with all his limbs attached. He finished his computer science degree and is now working as an independent contractor for an oil industry consulting firm, recreating their entire database. Anyway, I didn't want this thread to be politically driven, I posted that entry as my reaction to 9-11. If anyone wants to discuss this specific entry, please feel free to react to it in the current events forum. I'd like to preserve this thread for journal entries. Here is another one from a few days later:
January 7, 2002
I'm lonely, but I like being alone. Well... I like it more than being with any of the girls I've been with. I miss them all, actually. I miss the feelings I had for them. My heart keeps complaining, but I'm not a fool. I get into trouble, or well, my penis gets me into trouble like a fucking addiction. I have yet to find a woman that satisfies me completely (physically, emotionally, and mentally). It's always one or the other. So for now, I'm going to try to stay out of trouble as long as possible. I fear though, that my passion for life, or at least for living in the moment will make me a slut, especially after I move. I figure I might as well play if I'm moving to the playground. I don't like to break hearts, and I avoided breaking Alex's heart by sacrificing a little of myself. I hope she finds herself but I don't seem to think she ever will.
As for me, Vegas is the center of my focus. I must admit that I'm afraid, not of that city or surviving it, but of the shock of leaving everything I've known as home. What a shitty place to call home. Everything here is so fucking lame. I could fill this journal with my qualms about this place, yet I know I will miss it dearly. I don't want to call it home anymore...
I ended up never moving out to Vegas after planning it for a while. It's funny how you always think the grass will be greener somewhere else. After living in Atlanta for 2 years, I realized just how great Oklahoma was. I just moved to Tampa, and so far, I like it here better than both of the previous cities I've lived in.
Anyway, I'll post more entries from my journal depending on how prolific this thread is.
You are a fantastic writer. The words really seem to gracefully flow...as if they were perfectly orchestrated. You really do have a talent, so much so that I longed to read more. 