VeeshanVault

Just one of those random emails I get that actually end up being funny:


maintenance complaints submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Having spent my military career in aviation maintenance (army helicopters, though, not air force), I always enjoy seeing this list. I am pretty sure it's all made up, since I've never seen any maintenance people that would actually write those kinds of responses in the maintenance logs, although I have certainly seen problems like those reported.

On that note, <a href="http://darrell.halo5.net/rwmech.html">this article on my web page</a> is pretty funny if you'reinto that sort of humor.

As a pilot, you are neither feared nor envied, but merely tolerated, for until they actually train monkeys to fly those things, he needs a pilot to put the parts in motion so he can tell if everything is working properly.

My personal favorites from my maintenance days were:

Problem: Cannot see top half of Heads Up Display
Soultion: Adjusted seat height. Pilot must have been a midget

and

Problem: Sounds like little man with hammer beating on right intake
Solution: Removed hammer, counseled little man.

Both of these resulted in the maintenance troop that signed off the write-up getting a sever ass chewing for being a smart ass in official doccuments.