DARWIN AWARDS!
Posted: December 30, 2004, 4:49 pm
The 2004 Darwin Awards
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards -
Its an Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees for 2004 are:
1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made
him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting
explosion and fire burned down his house killing both him and his
sister.
2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. We'll never know what happeend
but it is possible that they decided to moon the occupants of the other
plane, lost control of their own aircraft, and crashed. They were all
found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive , Reston, VA , man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot
railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end
around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael,
a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "Major trauma."
4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a friend were playing a game of catch, tossing a rattlesnake as
a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of
ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated,
two "technicians" dispatched by the gas company entered the
building. They found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To
their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter, being at the
exact center of the resulting melee, was virtually untouched by the
explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had
never been thought of by his peers as "all there."
And the Winner:
6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome,
Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at
the local golf course - proving once again that beer and
testosterone are a bad mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball
washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his
dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank
on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging
them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more
than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was
the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the
fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in
the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and
the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then
broke a new $300.00 graphite shaft driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop when he attempted to use the club
as a lever to pry himself loose. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
for surgery. The remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die.
But because he can no longer reproduce as a result of his act
of stupidity, it was allowed.
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards -
Its an Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees for 2004 are:
1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made
him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting
explosion and fire burned down his house killing both him and his
sister.
2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. We'll never know what happeend
but it is possible that they decided to moon the occupants of the other
plane, lost control of their own aircraft, and crashed. They were all
found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive , Reston, VA , man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot
railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end
around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael,
a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "Major trauma."
4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a friend were playing a game of catch, tossing a rattlesnake as
a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of
ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated,
two "technicians" dispatched by the gas company entered the
building. They found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To
their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter, being at the
exact center of the resulting melee, was virtually untouched by the
explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had
never been thought of by his peers as "all there."
And the Winner:
6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome,
Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at
the local golf course - proving once again that beer and
testosterone are a bad mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball
washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his
dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank
on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging
them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more
than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was
the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the
fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in
the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and
the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then
broke a new $300.00 graphite shaft driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop when he attempted to use the club
as a lever to pry himself loose. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
for surgery. The remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die.
But because he can no longer reproduce as a result of his act
of stupidity, it was allowed.
.
)