French History Lesson

[Sylvus]

Got this in my email, found it humorous and educational.


COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually
the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and
leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for
a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

[Gurugurumaki]

And we cares why?

[Vetiria]

WORRYING ABOUT GOING TO WAR WITHOUT THE FRENCH IS LIKE WORRYING ABOUT GOING DEER HUNTING WITHOUT YOUR ACCORDION

I thought that was funny. I'll ask my history professor to forward me an e-mail he read to us in class on Tuesday. Stay tuned...

[Winnow]

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.

lol

[Animalor]

The french are the prime example of what happens when you make love, not war.

Some drawbacks however it's still all good =)

[miir]

Making fun of the french is so last century.

[Sabek]

The french had their best writers working on a retort to this. In the end they decided to surrender.

[Corona]

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night

LOL! Great post Sylvus!

[Winnow]

Making fun of the french is so last century.

Current events provide ample fuel for French bashing.

[Adelrune Argenti]

Well at least they gave us French Toast, French Fries and Perrier.

[kurzweil]

burgundy!

[Millie]

I was making fun of the French up until the 2000 Bordeaux vintage hit the shelves. Man, those silly frogs can make a quality bottle of wine.

[masteen]

They make some nice cheese too.

[Kluden]

I saw some redneck on CNN claiming his restaurant no longer refers to French Fries, French Toast, and French Bread as such, and has changed their names to the following:

Freedom Fries
Egg Battered Toast
Shitty Bread

He went on to claim his patrons are very excited upon hearing of the changes, and he sells out of Freedom Fries daily...

Can you guess what state this guy's restaurant is in?


*edit: english...speak english damn you!

[Cracc]

And the propaganda machine hums happily along.

[kyoukan]

http://www.workingforchange.com/article ... KEN=253880

France has a long history of being friends with the US. Way to treat your oldest ally.

[Kluden]

^^Just as much propaganda as anything else. I don't say the French are cowards, and I don't think they are weak. I just think it is strange how they have a habit of losing, or needing support (from more than just America).

French citizens, the ones that fight their wars, hate americans. They may not come out and say it openly, but every poll done by every reputable European news agency shows a larger percentage of "American Haters" in France, than any other country in Europe and the Middle East.

Sad, but true. Others have posted these polls...if you need to find one, I believe the BBC's had the most "participants" voting.

[Metanis]

http://www.workingforchange.com/article ... KEN=253880

France has a long history of being friends with the US. Way to treat your oldest ally.

I read your Molly Ivins trash column. It only serves to reinforce the notion that we should ignore the French. At the worst they are churlish backstabbers, at best they are Losers.

edit - grammar

[Forthe]

http://www.workingforchange.com/article ... KEN=253880

France has a long history of being friends with the US. Way to treat your oldest ally.

I read your Molly Ivins trash column. It only serves to reinforce the notion that we should ignore the French. At the worst they are churlish backstabbers, at best they are Losers.

edit - grammar

Maybe France should invade third world countries like the US does to improve it's record.

The attitude of the US administration (and via them the US media and via them the US population) towards France these days is childish at best.

[Winnow]

Maybe France should invade third world countries like the US does to improve it's record.

The attitude of the US administration (and via them the US media and via them the US population) towards France these days is childish at best.

Your avatar looks french forthe!

[Sueven]

Racism rocks!

[masteen]

French is a race?

[Metanis]

The attitude of the US administration (and via them the US media and via them the US population) towards France these days is childish at best.

Forthe, you really don't understand do you?

In the USA that equation is very much reversed. Both the Administration and the Media do their best to steer public opinion in the USA, but they both fail miserably.

And if you think the US media takes it's direction from the government then you are a truly poor observer of the US political system. Much of the American media is way out in left field compared to the masses.

And you call us Childish? MY ASS!

I remember the 50th Anniversary specials broadcast from the beachs of Normandy just a few short years ago. There's a huge pile of American bodies buried in French soil. Maybe the American people remember that... even if the French do not.

Forthe, please quit being such an idiot. It's distressing.

[masteen]

Today, we salute our allies who fought so poorly and surrendered so readily!

[Millie]

French is a race?

It is as of the latest EQ expansion. (zing!)

[Forthe]

The attitude of the US administration (and via them the US media and via them the US population) towards France these days is childish at best.

Forthe, you really don't understand do you?

In the USA that equation is very much reversed. Both the Administration and the Media do their best to steer public opinion in the USA, but they both fail miserably.

And if you think the US media takes it's direction from the government then you are a truly poor observer of the US political system. Much of the American media is way out in left field compared to the masses.

And you call us Childish? MY ASS!

I remember the 50th Anniversary specials broadcast from the beachs of Normandy just a few short years ago. There's a huge pile of American bodies buried in French soil. Maybe the American people remember that... even if the French do not.

Forthe, please quit being such an idiot. It's distressing.

I understand your ignorance. Americans have to actively seek out unbiased media reports. You don't recognize how fucked up your media is because you don't know any better.

Last week I switched on CNBC, a station I practicely never watch mind you, and the anchor made 3 references to "french surrender monkies". Not the most clever insult.

And why the hostility towards France? Because they don't bend over and go against their beliefs to comply with the US?

Maybe you should be kissing French ass for helping you gain your independence.

France has made several public comments of gratitude towards the US recently for its part in WWII. I've yet to see them make comment on the US remaining neutral while its allies were being raped. How many europeans died fighting the Axis so the US could come into the war late.

Your arrogance is astounding.

[masteen]

Yes, Forthe, the French support that arrived after we had begun routing the Redcoats was fucking KEY to ousting the Brits! Thx so much for edumacating us!

[Forthe]

Yes, Forthe, the French support that arrived after we had begun routing the Redcoats was fucking KEY to ousting the Brits! Thx so much for edumacating us!

Thanks so much for displaying american gratitude. Nowhere did I claim that it was KEY. I guess you only appreciate support if it wins the war for you.

[Soriathus Serpentine]

<------ 50% french - 25% Cuban - 25% Scottish/Irish/Dainish Mutt

I find that shit above damn funny, I'm emailing it to all my French friends who have a since of humor.

[masteen]

Freedom Fries for everyone!!!

[kyoukan]

The US has been involved in exactly two wars that they "won." Both times against Germany, both times coming into the conflict years late. Both times they were allied with most of Europe. Three wins if you include the american revolution, which was basically just a series of terrorist tactics vs. the british.

Every single other war, the conditions of a solid victory haven't been met. Even the mexicans beat you down. The fucking mexicans!

The US hasn't even been a world power for a century yet. In 1939, the United States had a smaller military than Romania. France has been a world power for centuries. At least France had an empire at one time.

[Vetiria]

Wasn't the last major battle the French won against any army almost 1000 years ago? Battle of Hastings, 1066 i think

[Millie]

Even the mexicans beat you down. The fucking mexicans!

That's debatable. They won some major battles (significantly and famously, the Alamo), but in the end, we came out on top. Practically all of our Western states were formed from territory we took from Mexico or purchased at dirt-cheap prices.

As for the France issue, it's a bit of an oversimplification to consider every incarnation of "France" as part of a continuous nation. The French territories have been occupied by numerous people, governments, and nationalities over the course of their history. Their major military victories occurred under William the Conqueror (a Norseman who conquered what is now known as France, and then England), and Napoleon (a Corsican by birth, who rose through the ranks to seize the French 'throne'). So to consider medieval France the same nation as modern-day France is somewhat questionable. They share a name, but little else.

To its credit, the United States has been a single, more or less stable government since its inception. It has survived without coup or revolution ever since declaring sovereignty from Britain. One could safely call today's U.S. the same nation as the original U.S. One can't say the same for France.

[Kilmoll the Sexy]

I want to get this straight.....now the U.S. is the bad guy for staying out of a European war until we were attacked? Make up your mind Forthe. Either we should start early and eradicate the problem before it starts of we let people handle their own shit. Which is you fucking hypocrite?

[Deneve]

yeah, i heard that they had to shut down euro-disney...the france kept surrendering whenever the fireworks went off

[Sylvus]

I apologize if I offended any of you, I just saw it and thought it was humorous. Just as I would have if there were an email sent around about fat people, skinny people, black people, white people, men, women, scientists, the "simple", blondes, Canadians, Americans, the Dutch, migrant workers or the elderly.

Some of you need to take life a little less seriously.

[Klydon]

France has made several public comments of gratitude towards the US recently for its part in WWII. I've yet to see them make comment on the US remaining neutral while its allies were being raped. How many europeans died fighting the Axis so the US could come into the war late.

No question that France paid tribute to the veterans of WWII during the 50 year anniversary of D-Day.

If France had not rolled over to Hitler so many times over issues like the Sudeten land and also the Rhine DMZ along with other EUROPEAN issues, then maybe there would not have been what eventually became WW2 and the eventual involvement of the US.

Much of the issue of French military performance (and Italian for that matter) can be traced to how they were led by their officers. The individual Italian and French solder are as brave as any other, but they have consistently been poorly led and their officers consider themselves way above the troops and never made it a point to look out for the welfare of their troops.

The French in general (not all French) convey/represent to the US more than any other country that we are just a bunch of backward idiots that don't know any better and are not wise in the way of the world and should recognize just how superior France is in these regards. To the average US citizen, the French come off as very haughty, smug, and superior and that will never sit well with the average US citizen.

Not to be totally unfair to France (or the rest of Europe for that matter) but I am well aware of the "ugly American tourist" syndrome and the poor job they do representing our country.

The US has been involved in exactly two wars that they "won." Both times against Germany, both times coming into the conflict years late. Both times they were allied with most of Europe. Three wins if you include the american revolution, which was basically just a series of terrorist tactics vs. the british.

Every single other war, the conditions of a solid victory haven't been met. Even the mexicans beat you down. The fucking mexicans!

The US hasn't even been a world power for a century yet. In 1939, the United States had a smaller military than Romania. France has been a world power for centuries. At least France had an empire at one time.

1812 probably meets the same criteria as you laid out for the revolutionary war, but the bottom line is they won.

The war with Spain was a clear cut win for the US that propelled them to world status in every respect. They had been a world economic power for some time (US led the world in steel production as an example before the Spanish war). Spain had a larger empire than France did at one time and we saw how far that got them. Portagal and the Dutch were also world powers at one time as well.

As far as the various wars with Mexico, I would say if getting the territories that now are Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and part of California, represent losing, then you probably have a point.

That the US saved the Allies in WW1 can't be questioned. France was nearly done in 1917 with 1/2 the army on the verge of mutiny. The British were also economically done as well. Germany still very nearly won in France and if France and Britain had not seen US troops arriving in large numbers, their moral would have collasped.

The US had been helping the Allies in WW2 long before she entered the war officially. There was economic aid and the US was active in the Atlantic early. The US pretty much crushed Japan on their own with some help from the Allies. (It should be noted that a lot of the Allies had US build equipment they were using and used US supplies as well). I can't say it was as clear cut in Europe. Russia did a lot of it on their own, but did recieve substancial economic help from the Allies in key areas like food, radios and trucks.

Call Korea a draw, although the US did accompish their objective and that was to check North Korean aggression.

Vietnam was a loss, no question.

The Gulf War was an outstanding victory over what was one of the largest armies in the world. No one could have predicted it to be such a crushing win.

It depends on what you define as being a world power. Economically, the US has been a major player since the 1870's. Their military has seen wild variations of size in that time, but really after the Spanish war, the US has been seen as a world power in every way and has had overseas interests ever since. It must be remembered that the US is more of a maritime nation and while the Army has seen hard times (reference Rumania above), her navy has always been a major player in the world since just after the turn of the century, even during peace time.

"Empire" is a better term for describing a mindset or type of government. That France was a world power is not in dispute. That France is a world power today is not a true statement. She stopped being that when she lost her colonies all over the world. That she is a European power would be closer to the truth. As far as long runs at being a major power in the world, the US (or anyone else for that matter) have a long way to go to catch up with the British. She was weakened by WW1 and was finished by WW2.

*edit to fix /quote*

[Alfan]

Some of you guys should pick up A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. Maybe you will find even more mud to sling!

-Alfan

[Kaluden Stormblade]

At least France had an empire at one time.

America does have an empire, you can see the massive tentacles of the great capitalist Leviathan everywhere. America is colonizing the world. The U.S. is reinventing the whole notion of Manifest Destiny. It's sad. But I'm comforted by the idea that Jimmy Nguyen can come home, after a grueling 18 hours at the village Nike sweatshop, crack open a cold Coca-Cola and watch reruns of '21 Jump Street' on his 60-inch satelite controlled flatscreen.

[Pahreyia]

Vaht arh yew dooeeng? You dare repeat zee sekrets of zee party with zeeze capitolist peegs?!

[Krimson Klaw]

Kyoukan insulting the US military and her lack of victories, now this thread is officially good. I have an idea, lets talk about Canadian military dominance over the past century (did I just make an oxymoron?)!

[Aabidano]

Americans have to actively seek out unbiased media reports. You don't recognize how fucked up your media is because you don't know any better.

That's a fact. I keep hearing folks say how far left our media is, it's just not true. They are a pretty conservative bunch, not much more than a mouthpiece for the government and have been since WWII. The personal views of some of the anchors are to the left, but the owners are mostly right wing conservatives. It's a big business, tangling with the government isn't in thier commercial interest.

Listen to other news sources, even the BBC and you'll see more of the picture. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

[kyoukan]

Sure. We kicked your cousin marrying yankee asses six ways to sunday in 1812. We were also the first non-european country to realize the threat of both world wars to join the fight against Germany. Tens of thousands of Canadians lost their lives protecting british merchant marine vessels filled with steel and supplies that the US sold to them at ludicrously high wartime prices while the US sat back and swing danced and figured out new ways to repress african americans, and letting Roosevelt and Hitler get in on a little backslapping time with each other.

Other than that Canada isn't really an aggresive country; Canadians don't feel the need to make up for our lack of other contributions to the world by fucking around with and arming 3rd world shitholes and then blowing them up a couple decades later. I dunno, were just weird that way.

[Cartalas]

Not since the Roman Empire has there been a more Dominate Military World Power then the United States today.

Thank you

/em Steps off his soap box

[Krimson Klaw]

No really, lets talk about Canadian military dominance over the past century like I said earlier. No joking this time.

-edit- Not that I really feel a need to talk about this subject in particular, I just find it amusing that Kyoukan thinks France's military owns so much that she has to put Americas military down. Can she really think Americas military sucks? I mean, really, as in not joking?

[Cartalas]

No really, lets talk about Canadian military dominance over the past century like I said earlier. No joking this time.

-edit- Not that I really feel a need to talk about this subject in particular, I just find it amusing that Kyoukan thinks France's military owns so much that she has to put Americas military down. Can she really think Americas military sucks? I mean, really as in not joking?

Thats not a fair question We all know Canada does not spend OMGIAMRETARDEDCAUSEALOTISTWOWORDS of money on there Military so you are comparing Apples to Oranges.


Which can cause a problem!!

I saw on TV once back in the 80's the Russians came through Canada and Attacked Michigan, But a band of Milita called The Wolverines fought them back. Im order for this not to ever happen again I think the U.S promised to protect Canada.

[masteen]

I say while we're in the mood to invade little backwater shithole countries, we might as well as invade Canada. Strike first, before those sneaky fuckers stab us in the back!

[Neroon]

I still don't see the logic in saying France and the UN are spineless for standing up to the most powerful country in the world.

People keep saying the UN is ineffective, but disagreeing with the US does not correlate to being ineffective. If the UN fails, it will be the US that destroys it. Whether it be by removing support because they won't agree with everything we say, or by bullying them into compliance on every issue.

[Krimson Klaw]

I still don't see the logic in saying France and the UN are spineless for standing up to the most powerful country in the world.

People keep saying the UN is ineffective, but disagreeing with the US does not correlate to being ineffective. If the UN fails, it will be the US that destroys it. Whether it be by removing support because they won't agree with everything we say, or by bullying them into compliance on every issue.

UN failure will not be blamed on America. United States is the red headed stephild that's in the background screaming for the UN to keep its own word. If you don't plan on doing what you say, then stop talking. Don't like US actions, then actually do something about it...boycott, kick us out of the UN, invade America, whatever...but do SOMETHING besides letting Kofi stutter to make up excuses as to why the UN never does what it says it will do.

For the record, I dont like the idea of America invading Iraq without proof of WOMD which were declared illegal for Iraq to have by the UN.

And btw, if the UN fails due to the United States no longer supporting it as you said, then whats the point of a *united nations* that relies solely on one country to begin with? If this is the case, then stop calling it a UN and call it an American Satellite.

[Fallanthas]

Other than that Canada isn't really an aggresive country; Canadians don't feel the need to make up for our lack of other contributions to the world by fucking around with and arming 3rd world shitholes and then blowing them up a couple decades later. I dunno, were just weird that way.

This thread just met the criteria for a move to the retard section.