What NOT to include with your resume

Xyphir · Post by **Xyphir** » November 3, 2005, 5:44 pm

A freind of mine was interviewing for a position when this letter was handed to him from someone who came in for an interview. Needless to say, she didn't get the call back.

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Lynnsie · Post by **Lynnsie** » November 3, 2005, 6:06 pm

Drinsic Darkwood · Post by **Drinsic Darkwood** » November 3, 2005, 6:06 pm

I'd hire her.

Lynnsie · Post by **Lynnsie** » November 3, 2005, 6:12 pm

Apple of a Wart-hogs eye? Is that some pick up line hillbillies use to boink their cousins?

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » November 3, 2005, 6:34 pm

Wow. Out of curiousity, what was the position?

Xyphir · Post by **Xyphir** » November 3, 2005, 6:38 pm

Dregor Thule wrote:Wow. Out of curiousity, what was the position?

It was for an assistant buyer for a landscaping company. I'm still trying to determine which sentence makes the least sense, but I'm leaning towards the one about four free gold fillings. My friend who read the letter said he was willing to give the woman a second interview until he read the letter. He said she 'seemed' so normal.

Aslanna · Post by **Aslanna** » November 3, 2005, 7:26 pm

I liked it.

Pherr the Dorf · Post by **Pherr the Dorf** » November 3, 2005, 7:26 pm

Xyphir wrote:
Dregor Thule wrote:Wow. Out of curiousity, what was the position?
It was for an assistant buyer for a landscaping company. I'm still trying to determine which sentence makes the least sense, but I'm leaning towards the one about four free gold fillings. My friend who read the letter said he was willing to give the woman a second interview until he read the letter. He said she 'seemed' so normal.

The whole thing is just a bastardization of the letter that was used to get into college... someone must know a link to that somewhere

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » November 3, 2005, 9:57 pm

Pherr the Dorf wrote: The whole thing is just a bastardization of the letter that was used to get into college... someone must know a link to that somewhere

A quick google for "unflagging speed" and here you go:

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Pherr the Dorf · Post by **Pherr the Dorf** » November 3, 2005, 10:36 pm

Winnow wrote:
Pherr the Dorf wrote: The whole thing is just a bastardization of the letter that was used to get into college... someone must know a link to that somewhere
A quick google for "unflagging speed" and here you go:

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

you sir, be the man

Gnomies · Post by **Gnomies** » November 3, 2005, 11:13 pm

whata women!

kyoukan · Post by **kyoukan** » November 3, 2005, 11:56 pm

It's a lot more creative and interesting than 99% of the resumes I had to sort through. I'd at least give her an interview for a mostly unskilled position.

Cartalas · Post by **Cartalas** » November 4, 2005, 12:24 am

kyoukan wrote:It's a lot more creative and interesting than 99% of the resumes I had to sort through. I'd at least give her an interview for a mostly unskilled position.

Why? are you quiting?

Leonaerd · Post by **Leonaerd** » November 4, 2005, 12:30 am

Zing.

kyoukan · Post by **kyoukan** » November 4, 2005, 1:04 am

I'd make a joke about you, your wife and unskilled positions, but I'm afraid it would take paint thinner to wash away the horrible images from my brain.

don't you work at wal-mart or something?

Canelek · Post by **Canelek** » November 4, 2005, 3:04 am

Points for creativity, even if somewhat borrowed. I would give her a second interview, given that most people interviewing for a job are less likely to be interesting due to nervousness.

As far as Target employees, I am not sure if they have interviews. Just make a mark on some paper or nod vigorously, right Cart?

Cartalas · Post by **Cartalas** » November 4, 2005, 8:51 am

Canelek wrote:Points for creativity, even if somewhat borrowed. I would give her a second interview, given that most people interviewing for a job are less likely to be interesting due to nervousness.

As far as Target employees, I am not sure if they have interviews. Just make a mark on some paper or nod vigorously, right Cart?

If I remember werent you the one who was out of work? Even having to move out of state like a migrant worker to find a job?

Shashonna · Post by **Shashonna** » November 4, 2005, 11:09 am

I wonder why she needed so many pumpkins

Clatis · Post by **Clatis** » November 4, 2005, 1:57 pm

most importantly, is she hot?

Xanupox · Post by **Xanupox** » November 4, 2005, 7:22 pm

Cartalas wrote:
kyoukan wrote:It's a lot more creative and interesting than 99% of the resumes I had to sort through. I'd at least give her an interview for a mostly unskilled position.
Why? are you quiting?

I laughed.

Badabidi · Post by **Badabidi** » November 5, 2005, 12:19 am

Me too, twice

Shashonna · Post by **Shashonna** » November 5, 2005, 12:38 am

Badabidi wrote:Me too, twice

I just laughed again and could barely tell my husband why