Enjoy
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to>
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the
two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my
face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she
said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to
witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going
to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"
my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear
briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the
trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage
in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own
young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"
suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my
son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This
hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER
going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was
glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
2 Hamsters .... $10
1 Cage . $20
1 Trip to the Vet .... $30
Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's
wacker.
...Priceless.
Rav
