The death of my brother

[Fairweather Pure]

I have an older brother. He's a my half brother. Same mother, different fathers. He's 39, would be 40 in November. We're not what you would call "close", although we were raised together and live in the same town. He's always been emotionally detached from everyone around him. He's one of these people that never, ever took care of himself. He hasn't worked in about 6-7 years due to his disabilities. He's a type 1 diabetic that never takes his medication, eats all the wrong things, and ends up in the hospital at least once a month. He's on Medicare and Medicaid. He never has any money. He is a shining example of people that leech of "the system". However, he is my brother and I love him so I find myself torn on many political issues surrounding people like him. He lived with my mother for the past 2 years so she could take care of him. During that time, he has gone straight down hill. I remember my mother and I had a discussion about 12 years ago that he would never make it to age 40, and we were right. His type 1 diabetes, hypertension, end stage renal disease, diabetic neuropathy, gastroperesis, and so many other chronic conditions it would blow your mind finally caught up with him. His medical chart reads like a 90 year old man's. All of these conditions mean that his wounds never heal and he lost all control of his bodily functions about a year ago. He's had to self cath for the past 5 years. He can barely walk. He's had several toes amputated due to gangrene. The few teeth that are in his head are rotten to the core but no dentist will touch him because the dental work would never heal. On top of all that, he's been in and out of psych units his entire life. He's easily had over a dozen suicide attempts, 2 of them very serious.

His life didn't have to be like this. He's not like a child that gets cancer and dies. Every condition he suffers was brought on by his complete disregard for his own health. He never took meds, went to Dr appointments, or ate within his strict diet. He lived in squaller until my mom took him in. He didn't bathe. He put himself on this path decades ago, but today he is arriving at the destination. He discharged himself from a psych unit the other day and lived in a motel alone for 1 day. At some point, someone called 911. My brother was down for about an hour. He's technically brain dead and has been on life support for the past 24 hours. Today my mother and his father are going to go to the hospital and pull the plug and let him go. He will have an indigent funeral.

I said before that I love my brother, and I do, but he makes me so angry. I have never known anyone so determined to die. Not only die, but in the worse way possible without any regard for the emotional suffering of those around you. He had every opportunity to improve his station in life by simply excepting the help that was offered to him, but he never took it. Or he would, then he would never follow up. He took absolutely no personal responsibility for anything. We had many heart to heart talks, but he always deflected.

Should I go to the unplugging? I don't want to, but I think I might. I have only met his father once about 15 years ago so that might be awkward.

I just feel so... unmoved. When you know for so long that someone is going to basically kill themselves, you get desensitized after awhile. For the past year, every time my mother called, it very well could've been the call telling me my brother had died. Instead, it was usually "We found him passed out in puke and the ambulance took him to the hospital and now he's in ICU".

It's sad. It's maddening. Such willful suffering. Such a meaningless, pathetic life. Despite all of that, I will indeed miss him dearly. I loved him. He was my brother.

[Kluden]

First, I'm sorry for your family's loss.

On the question about going, I think you answered it yourself with your last sentence. Everyone handles death differently. Its not an easy thing for people. You should go, imo, because he was your brother. Even through all the other bullshit and nonsense, none of that made him someone other than your brother. That's my opinion anyways. It would also suck to regret not being there later, if you chose not to go.

That's all I can say. Again, sorry for your loss.

[Fairweather Pure]

Upon hearing more details about pulling the plug, and once I made triple sure my mother was ok without me, I opted out. It could take him minutes, hours, or days to die. You are right that we all handle death differently, and watching over a body waiting for it to die is certainly no where within my realm of appropriateness or comfort zone.

Also, I hate funerals. Hate. Hate. Hate.

[Aabidano]

Sorry to hear about that.

Rough choice, from the sounds of it I'd have gone to support your Mom if possible - and she or her husband didn't seem against it or uncomfortable. The "gift of presence" as I heard someone put it recently really means a lot in situations like this and you generally only get one shot at it.

No one in my family has died fast or easy, funerals have all been a relief.

[masteen]

Some folk you just can't reach. My mom's younger brother is like that, except he's healthy as a horse by nature, and having to work really, really hard to defile himself.

[Leonaerd]

After my dad died, I shrugged off the whole death thing. When my brother hemorrhaged a year later (and remains a sad shadow of his former self today), I started getting myself into shape.

It helps.

My advice is to rationalize existence as necessary in order to see your recovery taking place.

[Fairweather Pure]

Once taken off life support he lasted about 3 minutes. Funeral likely on Friday. My mother is taking it well.

[Kwonryu DragonFist]

Sorry to hear this Fairweather. But why are you angry?

You haven't been through what he has been through, or walked in his shoes.

Don't you see that he felt his life was pointless/meaningless?

If i had all of these "type 1 diabetes, hypertension, end stage renal disease, diabetic neuropathy, gastroperesis, and so many other chronic conditions it would blow your mind" knowing i could never have a normal life, with a family, children etc i would probably have gone the same path as him.

I don't even have those medical conditions and i tried to off myself 2009 and 2010 due to depression (my aunt died, the woman i was supposed to grow old with left me, my mother died in my arms while i was trying to save her life with CPR and a friend committed suicide not long afterward) so i can fully understand how he must've felt.

With all those conditions, and no chance for a normal life, being respected as a normal human being, why even care anymore is the first thought that would've gone through my mind.

Either way, no need to be angry Fairweather.

I am sorry for your loss.

[Canelek]

I'm sorry to hear this bud. I hope that your family gets through all the loss quickly.

[Leonaerd]

Once taken off life support he lasted about 3 minutes. Funeral likely on Friday. My mother is taking it well.

And you?

I don't even have those medical conditions and i tried to off myself 2009 and 2010 due to depression (my aunt died, the woman i was supposed to grow old with left me, my mother died in my arms while i was trying to save her life with CPR and a friend committed suicide not long afterward) so i can fully understand how he must've felt

Christ, Kwon. Damnit.

[Kwonryu DragonFist]

I'm still here though Leo! But im but a shell of my former self.

It's easy to be angry and disappointed at someone when you don't understand what the person is going through inside.

Before, when i was at my optimal selfconfidence and i felt unstoppable and able to do anything/everything, i would regard those people (depressed people that think of committing suicide or just giving up on everything because it's too hard/difficult to cope) as weak people and could not understand at all why anyone would think such a thing.

Then things changed.

[Aabidano]

Sorry for your loss Fair, glad it was quick for your Mom's sake.

Can understand the anger having seen it a couple times in the past and watching another right now. Sucks, I can't understand the behavior at all but it can give you some perspective too.

[Funkmasterr]

Sorry for your loss fair. I've been through loss of people too young to die too many times, I know how frustrating it can be. I know it sounds corny, and it helps more after the initial blow settles in, but try to remember the good shit when you think of him. Every time I start thinking about my cousin and how pissed off I am at him for killing himself, I start to think of a funny memory of him... Like him LOVING the smell of skunk for example, and I usually end up with a big smile on my face thinking of him.

Anyhow, hang in there and be there for your mother.

[Chidoro]

Sorry to hear about that Fair. If it's any consolation, you did an extraordinary job explaining the situation and your thoughts. Your personal closure was very touching to read. I'm sorry for your loss.

On a side note, I'm not sure I'll ever understand suicide as a decision. I fortunately know none of the internal pain that can bring such a thought on. I always feel like the majority of my known existence on this planet is going to be as a dead person, what's the rush in getting there.

[Tyek]

Sorry Fair.

[Fairweather Pure]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, Kwon. My brother was kind of a unique case though and not really comparable to typical depressive situations. It was lifelong and ebbed and flowed with no known trigger or cause. It's done now though. I had a really solid heart to heart with him less than a month before he died, and I found out my mother did as well. He is at peace. The family is healing. Life goes on.

Thank you all for the thoughts and sentiments. I really do appreciate it.