Funny postings on Craigslist

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Canoe
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Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Canoe »

I don't know if you guys use craigslist much, but I love it. I've found all sorts of gold mines on there doing yard work, the veggie garden etc etc....

Once in a while I find a true gem that makes me seriously LOL.

http://albany.craigslist.org/for/812033052.html

This is what was in it, just in case the moderators remove the post:
My parrot is for sale he is a nice parrot 13 years old. There is one thing though, we are a gay couple and our parrot Liza (Named after our icon Liza Minnelli) he has picked up some bad vocabulary some of the things she says such as KY and swallow me and loves to say bend over bitch. Otherwise, shes great , just a little kinky parrot….. Have to give up as we moved into new apartment and landlord says no pets what so ever !

cadalano
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by cadalano »

what the fuck were you looking for that you stumbled across a gay parrot named Liza that says "bend over bitch" ?
I TOLD YOU ID SHOOT! BUT YOU DIDNT BELIEVE ME! WHY DIDNT YOU BELIEVE ME?

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Sylvus »

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/rid/806587747.html
FREE Driver in exchange for a look in your underwear! (SoCal)
Hey ladies!

I'll pick you up, drive u to work, pick u up from work and drop u back home for FREE!!! NO charge! But it'll depend how far your work is and I can only drive u 2-3 times a week cause I don't have the car a lot and the days will vary every week. All I ask is a pose in your underwear while I release myself, that's it!

You don't have to do anything, no touching or dancing. Just let me see u in your undies while I release myself! It'll take about 5-10 min that't it. I know this is a wierd deal but it's real and not a scam. I'm a real person kinda shy but a good guy.

So, it would work like this. I would come to your place and u give me a tease in your undies and after I'm done I'll drive u to your work. When I pick you up and drop you to your home, you would give me another tease! That's it! Please, lets make this work! Pretty please...............? I have a pic and number IM me at [redacted].

We can meet in public first to get to know each other and we can talk on the phone. Again, I'm a real person no strings attached! I'll drive for you FREE! If u need to stop for errands along the way, I'll do it for you also! I have a nice clean car '03 year. Let's make this work!
What do you say, need a ride??
"It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant." - Barack Obama

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Canoe
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Canoe »

cadalano wrote:what the fuck were you looking for that you stumbled across a gay parrot named Liza that says "bend over bitch" ?
Heh it was posted under "general" where the household items are usually given away.

The gay parrots are a rarity.

Canoe
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Canoe »

LOL Here is another one:

http://albany.craigslist.org/for/881225317.html

In case it gets taken down:
Robospanker. your life wont be the same again ... Moving so need to sell.
Original sold for 850 dollars. Selling for 500 go to look it up online.. google robospanker to see videos and pics

The machine you feared so much as a child, but dreamed of as an adult. Robospanker uses a small motor to drive a trigger device, which draws back a spring-loaded paddle. Than suddenly releases the paddle giving the subject, who is bent over in front of it, a good swift lick on the behind. You adjust the tension of the spank from a light pat, to a very painful whack. It comes with two easily removable paddles. Both paddles are made of a very flexible, but unbreakable plastic, designed to feel like a leather strap. The machine is built with a solid 1" tubular steel welded frame. Legs can be removed for storage.

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by laneela »

From best of craigslist:
You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-08-14, 8:58AM CDT



I shouted "fuck the police"...you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let's chat after you make bail.


Location: Dallas
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 796258913
Some of them are hilarious, others are just amusing:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/
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Post by Truant »

laneela wrote:From best of craigslist:
You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-08-14, 8:58AM CDT



I shouted "fuck the police"...you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let's chat after you make bail.


Location: Dallas
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 796258913
Some of them are hilarious, others are just amusing:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/
Oh shit, that was me!

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laneela
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by laneela »

Love connection!
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Canelek »

Well, he does have pretty hair.
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by lmnt9 »

http://athensga.craigslist.org/mis/916726689.html
Date: 2008-11-12, 7:08PM EST


I went to bed last night, immediately after lowering the screen on my laptop, and stacking 1 notebook, and four dvd cases atop it. When I woke up this morning, I removed four dry dvd cases and one dry notebook from atop my computer and opened it, at which time a stream of what i can only imagine is urine trickled down the screen. Picking it up, I found that this mysterious liquid has soaked through the case, effectively destroying my computer forever. I've spent the day touching, smelling and otherwise examining this copious liquid dripping from my laptop, and I've concluded that it can only be urine. I'm baffled as to how this could have happened. I'm left only to conclude that someone has entered my apartment in the dead of night, bypassed my roommate's open and unprotected computer, to remove all the things atop my laptop, open it, piss in it, and meticulously replace all the objects originally there back on top. My offer is this: I will pay you, pee bandit, 30 dollars to come forth and reveal yourself. I don't want to prosecute, I won't report you to the police, i won't even ask you to get your tech-savvy brother to help me fix it, I just want you to ease my worried mind and tell me the reasoning behind this mysterious leaking of your piss into my keyboard. 30 bucks man. come on.

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Noysyrump »

lmnt9 wrote:http://athensga.craigslist.org/mis/916726689.html
Date: 2008-11-12, 7:08PM EST


I went to bed last night, immediately after lowering the screen on my laptop, and stacking 1 notebook, and four dvd cases atop it. When I woke up this morning, I removed four dry dvd cases and one dry notebook from atop my computer and opened it, at which time a stream of what i can only imagine is urine trickled down the screen. Picking it up, I found that this mysterious liquid has soaked through the case, effectively destroying my computer forever. I've spent the day touching, smelling and otherwise examining this copious liquid dripping from my laptop, and I've concluded that it can only be urine. I'm baffled as to how this could have happened. I'm left only to conclude that someone has entered my apartment in the dead of night, bypassed my roommate's open and unprotected computer, to remove all the things atop my laptop, open it, piss in it, and meticulously replace all the objects originally there back on top. My offer is this: I will pay you, pee bandit, 30 dollars to come forth and reveal yourself. I don't want to prosecute, I won't report you to the police, i won't even ask you to get your tech-savvy brother to help me fix it, I just want you to ease my worried mind and tell me the reasoning behind this mysterious leaking of your piss into my keyboard. 30 bucks man. come on.
It's a fair guess that it was the roomate returning the favor for peeing in the hamper the night before.
Sick Balls!

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Gzette »

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/740493470.html
Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w
Date: 2008-07-02, 2:35PM EDT


Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "FUCK ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like "OH GOD", "YES", OR "IT HURTS" no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like "Thanks", "It was great", "I loved it", "Don't stop"

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.


* Location: Orlando
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
soooo who here lives in Orlando?
Gzette Shizette - EQ - 70 Ranger - Veeshan - retired
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knock knock
who's there
OH I JUST ATE MY OWN BALLS

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Ashur »

wtf
- Ash

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by lmnt9 »

So... how did you find that, exactly?

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laneela
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by laneela »

That's from best of... In my opinion, one of the funniest posts ever.
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Gzette »

A friend linked it to me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Gzette Shizette - EQ - 70 Ranger - Veeshan - retired
Bobbysue - WoW - 70 Hunter - Hyjal - <Hooac>
HOOAC 4 EVAH!

knock knock
who's there
OH I JUST ATE MY OWN BALLS

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Canelek »

DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.
That is pretty much the deal breaker.
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Fairweather Pure »

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/70809437.html
Anal Bleaching – NOT just for women

Anal bleaching is a hot topic here on CL Rants & Raves – “You women do that?!?!,” asked one poster, and then answered his own question with, “WHY?!?!”

Anal bleaching is just one of a wide variety of new non-invasive procedures that assist in creating Total Colo-Rectal Beauty. All TCRB components help not only appearance and hygiene, but assist in restoring the lost youthful innocence, elasticity, and confidence that age and improper food choices often erase.

TCRB is not just a catchword – it’s a beautiful and natural lifestyle.

If you’re tired of looking at a pulsating mini-me of the Giant Caves of Borneo in a UPS delivery truck color scheme, imagine what others think when they view your well-used and discolored Portal of Secrets (POS). And no amount of quick-fix items like Viewana or Lookout Below will ever get to the root of your discomfort in sharing your POS, because these sort of anal makeups are coverups and do not address the three primary reasons for anal discoloration and disfigurement. They do not eradicate those rather freakish effects.

As for anal dyes, the longterm effects of mineral and petroleum-based pigments on and about the unique anal skin and color-rectal musculature have yet to be determined. But if overuse of hair dye contributes to bladder cancer, imagine what harsh dyes might do when applied directly to tender surface and deep tissues…

Rule 1: Garbage in, dark feces out – It all starts with food and drink. The dyes in processed foods and soft drinks will carry as far in your system as the liquid carriers allow. When someone says a cola drinks or coffee went “right through me,” that’s the literal truth, and on the way out the cola colors, food dyes, and darker red meats leave microscopic color particles that, over a period of years through continuing passes over the anal tissue, recolor your natural anus to an unnatural hue. If your face looked like your anus, you’d get it corrected quickly, wouldn’t you? And that’s because everyone would see.

But it is vastly more important that those special areas of your precious body, to be viewed, cherished, and photographed (and videoed) by you and your loved one(s), are as sparkling and attractive as your face. If the damage is already done, your best simple and low-cost option is anal bleaching.

Rule 2: Keep it clean at all times – Before his untimely demise, the critically acclaimed rap artist Tupac offered timeless words of wisdom to his “posse” after being asked what it took to have attractive women surround one. His answer was an elegantly simple reply: “Do some situps and wash your ass.”

While keeping your POS in tip-top working shape via various baby wipes is mandatory for POS health, no matter how hard you rub you cannot erase the damage and discoloration caused by years of previous poor food choices and average anal cleansing. Anal bleaching, however, can take you back to those pre-damage years.


Rules 3: Wipe IN and OUT – Chances are that you have not revisited your wiping procedures since they were first established at age 2-4. Children’s motor skills at that age are fairly rough and, no matter how well-intended the instruction, the lifelong tendency is to cross wipe up and down, and/or across, and smear the feces around the localized anal area (LAA). Over years what that does is discolor and stain your anus. The ideal technique is to center the remaining fecal matter at the center of the anal opening by wiping “in” and then grasping the entire waste package and pulling it “out” and away from the buttocks (to avoid smear stains).

But due to poor anal wiping technique, many anuses are dark by the teen years, as an examination of the pictures you and your friends likely took of your own anus at that age would reveal.

Anal bleaching is the first simple step towards TCRB. Starting with very weak vegetable-based pre-bleaching solutions, the TCRB aesthetician gently applies appropriate agents. If the vegetable agents do not work, then s/he applies progressively stronger solutions until the stains have vanished or that protocol is exhausted.

If the Level I agent did not work, they s/he may select Level II bleaches, which are chemically and naturally based and usually in a warm fatty oil solution.

Up to 30% of all anal staining can be corrected within those two levels.

For more stubborn coloring, a Level III lye and chemical isolated bath may be required. This involves securing the anal area with special dams made out of plastic and sealed with surgical tape. These cylinders are open on both ends; one end goes over the anus and is sealed with tape, and the other stands above the buttocks and receives the caustic mix.

The patient is then given a local anesthetic to ease the pain caused by the lye and chemicals while lying on their stomach for about 2-3 hours, depending on stain severity. The cylinder is then heated via elements imbedded in its walls until the solution is 10-12 degrees warmer than the patient’s body temperature.

In very advanced cases, color-rectal bleaching may involved a hospital stay of 2-3 days, full anesthesia, industrial-grade cleansers, and chromium-based dyes.

After the successful bleaching that leaves the area a snowy ice white, patients may go home or opt for area coloring that may range from a light pink to rich ruby red. Striations in differing shades can add a natural “lived in” look, so that nobody ever suspects you had an anal cleansing and bleaching. Not even your children.

NEXT: Inside the colon for TCRB.
This has got to be some kind of joke, right?

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Fairweather Pure »

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/880259510.html

Haha, this one is awesome!
Free Hot Tub

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-10-15, 8:57AM AKDT

Do you need a year round way to water your lawn, deck, yard, garage? Have you ever wondered what a 425 gallon colander looks like? Ever really wanted a motorized dog bath? Today is your lucky day. I have a free hot tub. Yes it is complete and it is drained. I drained part of it and it drained itself the rest of the way. Where does it leak??? Find that and you have found the leprechaun with the pot of gold. This unit is perfect for the individual who knows no limit to frustration. The type of person who likes a challenge even when there is no chance of winning. This will build the kind of character in you the armed forces dream of. You will find yourself exhibiting behavior that you never thought possible, but ITS FREE!!!! You will need strong backs to load and a trailer. I will be able to offer short bouts of sympathy and witty banter while you prepare to begin your journey.

If this interests you, and it should because ITS FREE, you will need to call and schedule to come by and pick it up. Please remember, I am not a business as it is hard to make a living giving things away. Please call and let me know when you will be there as I have other things to do. I will not guarantee anything except you have your work cut out for you. I will not deliver it, save it, paint it, or take photos of it for you until it is on your trailer....again...ITS FREE. Please call me if you want it. [DELETED]

Coleman 411 – 5 Person tub
Has Cover
Pumps, heater, etc did work
Air injector pump has been disconnected
The rest is a foam filled crap shoot

Canoe
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Canoe »

This is awesome :)

http://albany.craigslist.org/zip/1127235672.html (I'm sure it will be removed shortly!)


Free truck 01 clean runs and drives great,have title in hand first come first take.title is signed on seat and keys are in it. free because i caught my wife phuqqinq someone in it and about killed her I am going to jail now. it is on 32 west ave. in saratoga springs. thank you. truck drives away.it is completely paid for.i just dont want her to get it.it is in my name and there is a restraining order so no one will be there.thank you.

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Aabidano »

Busted peeing in the sink
Date: 2008-12-09, 9:09AM CST


When it comes to peeing, its great to be a male. Ladies (and fellows with a micro-penis) purse their lips at men’s blithe attitude toward convenience when it comes to answering nature’s call. We’re so crass, rude, disgusting. Right.

You’re just fucking envious. And well you should be. It is indescribably wondrous portaging a permanently attached watering hose. Witness “Man, Peeing in Garden”, the epitome of casualness. Few, if any, locations are off-limits when the urge is felt: parking garage, deck, the sink...simply too many nouns to list. Still, while decorum is abused, discretion is not--more on this point in a moment.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/950990913.html
"Life is what happens while you're making plans for later."

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Xyun
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Xyun »

Aabidano wrote:
Busted peeing in the sink
Date: 2008-12-09, 9:09AM CST


When it comes to peeing, its great to be a male. Ladies (and fellows with a micro-penis) purse their lips at men’s blithe attitude toward convenience when it comes to answering nature’s call. We’re so crass, rude, disgusting. Right.

You’re just fucking envious. And well you should be. It is indescribably wondrous portaging a permanently attached watering hose. Witness “Man, Peeing in Garden”, the epitome of casualness. Few, if any, locations are off-limits when the urge is felt: parking garage, deck, the sink...simply too many nouns to list. Still, while decorum is abused, discretion is not--more on this point in a moment.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/950990913.html
ROFL. The last paragraph had me crying i was laughing so hard. Or second to last... lol. Here's the entire text just in case the original is taken down:
When it comes to peeing, its great to be a male. Ladies (and fellows with a micro-penis) purse their lips at men’s blithe attitude toward convenience when it comes to answering nature’s call. We’re so crass, rude, disgusting. Right.

You’re just fucking envious. And well you should be. It is indescribably wondrous portaging a permanently attached watering hose. Witness “Man, Peeing in Garden”, the epitome of casualness. Few, if any, locations are off-limits when the urge is felt: parking garage, deck, the sink...simply too many nouns to list. Still, while decorum is abused, discretion is not--more on this point in a moment.

Oh sure, many a woman has pee’d outside of the pot, though strictly as a matter of urgency and with much reluctance and with great angst. There is no female example of ‘whipping it out.’ In fact, yours is a complete show. You fret about the location, the preparation, the sundries, minimizing dribble…christ almighty… it’s a fifteen minute ordeal. Men can sort of relate to your dilemma, like when we need to poop and there’s no bathroom in sight.

Anyway, I pee in the sink. I’ve been peeing into bathroom sinks for years. Convenience is my primary reason. But there are many very good reasons to pee in a sink. A few among them…

I can multitask, which is important to me: both my hands are free to brush teeth, comb hair, apply hygiene products, etc. I’ve never done and empirical study, but I am certain in my gut that cumulative hours are saved annually by peeing in the sink.

It’s environmentally conscientious. I conserve water when I pee in the sink. As I wash my hands or rinse my toothbrush, my pee is carried through the p-trap down into the sanitary line. Toilet, sink—as George Castanza explained, “It's all pipes!”

It’s the ‘green’ thing to do. By peeing on dried toothpaste, solidified lungers, loose hair, and other lingering yuckiness stuck inside the sink, I save still more water and reduce phosphates and other nasty chemicals that might otherwise have been used to clean the sink.

It’s considerate. Regardless whether my girlie is sleeping, watching television, reading in silence, I do not disturb her with a cacophonous serenade of “man-peeing-into-toilet-then-flushing”. Peeing into a sink is very quiet.

It’s clean. There is no toilet water splash nor urine splatter on walls, seat or in the crannies of the commode. Here I bandy the duel argument of ‘less work’ (by not scrubbing said surfaces after each use) and, consequently, ‘more green’ (requires less use of environmentally harmful cleaning chemicals). Pee is, for the most part, sterile when it hits the sink, so no need to use expensive disinfectant. Thus I submit another good, albeit tenuous, reason I pee in the sink: it saves money.

It builds “relationship equity”. The seat is always down, which appears to my girlie as sublimely considerate and one those ‘little things’ I do for her. This manifests, somehow, in better sex.

It’s hygienic. After my stream has diminished to a trickle, I splash a handful or two of water on my dick, thus washing it. I have a clean dick and I put my dick up against the dick of any ‘traditional’ toilet user for some quantitative dick evaluation; eg.: stiff test, taste test. Rub my dick against glass and it squeaks.

I can think of violently few disadvantages to peeing in a sink. Off the top of my head:
- peeing into a sink after eating asparagus is very unpleasant;
- fishing a contact lens out of the sink while ‘multitasking’ is disturbing; and,
- reflexive tumescence may result from the splash of overly cold or hot water, which can have messy consequences.

I confess that a lifetime of casually whipping it out and lettin’ go when and wherever has caused my ‘Emergency Pee Shut Off’ muscle—assuming it ever existed—to atrophy. Richard Pryor was correct that a man cannot cut off his stream ‘just like that’.

I am aware that this technique d'avant garde might offend the eyeballs of an accidental witness, so I always exercise discretion when I pee in the sink. That said, peeing in the sink is so routine for me that I am complacent, and I never thought up a contingency plan should someone walk in on me.

Just this morning my girlie busted me peeing in the sink, rather (as I now understand), ‘her’ sink. She fucking had a cow and slapped my dick…hard …like it was a big hairy fucking spider on the countertop.

Thus I know from experience that getting caught peeing in the sink does not garner even the tiniest, wee little bit of appreciation of or for any of those benefits I mentioned above. Therefore, heed this exhortation: make damn site sure no one will walk in as you pee in the sink.

So there I am this morning, brushing my teeth in front of the mirror and quietly contemplating my day while a night’s worth of pee drained out of my unlimbered dick laying in the sink. My girlie sneaked up behind me topless as a playful, sexy morning surprise, and so intended, she was oblivious to my present commitment. She might as well have tossed a glass of ice water on my back ‘cause with the sudden and unexpected feeling of her hands around my midriff, I reflexively jerked up and away from the sink. My flaccid dick tossed about mid-stream until I could completely close down the relief valve. I was untethered for no more than.. what.. two seconds, but it seemed like I pee’d on fucking everything, including her jewelry box and her basket of stretchy hair things, both of which she was real unhappy about upon discovery. Miraculously, I missed her. She was incredulous. I sensed a radar-lock on my groin area and my hand moved instinctively to my protect my dick—but I was too slow. With the speed of a fucking praying mantis, she lashed at my dick and nailed it good. I hollered “what the fuck”, spewing frothy toothpaste on her, which only added to the indignity and intensified her fury. It was a fucking show this morning in our, rather, her bathroom.

I didn’t learn any lessons this morning (except maybe to lock the bathroom door). I did learn that my girlie is irrational and uptight about this particular issue. Frankly, fuck if I know what to do or what to say to her come this evening. I’m going to go to the restroom and take a good long look at myself in the mirror—mostly because I’ll be peeing in the sink, but also to steel my nerve and strategize for tonite.
I tell it like a true mackadelic.
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Zamtuk
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Zamtuk »

that reads like one of those old archive posts we had about shaving balls
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Aabidano »

Another gem: A few things from the bike shop

Had me in tears :)
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Funkmasterr »

Aabidano wrote:Another gem: A few things from the bike shop

Had me in tears :)
That was pretty good :)
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Aabidano »

You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can't wait to hear from you!!!

* Location: Houlihans
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Aabidano »

To my neighbor who I saw pooping in his yard yesterday - w4m
Date: 2008-06-05, 2:52PM EDT

I saw you couched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked "Hey, what are you doing?". Your reply was "Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into it's lair.".

Since you are normally a sane person I refrained from calling the police.
"Life is what happens while you're making plans for later."

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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Spang »

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies like AOL and FORBES FUCKING MAGAZINE. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. My new office is located in NoPa, so I guess I want something in that area. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday's with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.
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Zaelath
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Zaelath »

^ There's a case for retrospective abortion right there.
May 2003 - "Mission Accomplished"
June 2005 - "The mission isn't easy, and it will not be accomplished overnight"
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Re: Funny postings on Craigslist

Post by Tegellan »

I would totally let that guy move in if I lived in San fran!
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