Fatherhood

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 26, 2008, 4:15 am

Saturday my fiancee took a pregnancy test and it turns out she is pregnant. Wow, I did not expect this to happen so soon. We had planned to wait 3 years until we finished school, but I guess life doesn't always follow your plans. I'm scared shitless...but I'm excited at the same time. I can't believe I am going to be a father!

My parents and family are very supportive, but her parents (her mother mostly) said unless she has an abortion they are disowning her, taking her car, cutting her off completely, and we are not allowed to come to their home anymore. I don't understand what is going through that woman's head...her daughter needs her now more than ever before and she is turning her back on here, but whatever. I guess its time to grow up.

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » March 26, 2008, 5:27 am

Grats whatever you decide.

Make sure you read up on some basic baby shit if you decide to keep it though (like no alcohol/drugs for your fiancee, etc). It's not like getting a pet. Take the time to think through the next 18 years of your life and make sure you're not going to be screwing the unborn child over by keeping it either. Think through your career plans and understand that you should probably try to help your kid through college, etc. You're also screwing yourself over if you had travel plans etc. Lots of free time lost.

I'm not trying to dissuade you but take a very long time to think the whole 18 years through. (and beyond as you never know if they'll be a deadbeat kid and leech off you well into their 20's or 30's) Think to yourself, "will I be in a better position in three years, as originally planned, to support a child and also establish the groundwork during that three years preparing for a child?"

kill it/don't kill it. Tough call. I've been a part of that decision a couple times.

Anyway, just do yourself a favor and consider the whole timeline. You can return it for 30-60 days but then the policy runs out and you're stuck with it.

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » March 26, 2008, 9:28 am

Location: Alabama - Redneck Capital of the World

I won't presume to give any advice on whether you should keep it or not, but I just thought that was funny.

Boogahz · Post by **Boogahz** » March 26, 2008, 10:32 am

Asheran Mojomaster wrote:Saturday my fiancee took a pregnancy test and it turns out she is pregnant. Wow, I did not expect this to happen so soon. We had planned to wait 3 years until we finished school, but I guess life doesn't always follow your plans.

Amazing what not using condoms can do!

Asheran Mojomaster wrote: My parents and family are very supportive, but her parents (her mother mostly) said unless she has an abortion they are disowning her, taking her car, cutting her off completely, and we are not allowed to come to their home anymore. I don't understand what is going through that woman's head...her daughter needs her now more than ever before and she is turning her back on here, but whatever. I guess its time to grow up.

If this is the same family from Taiwan that you have mentioned before, she's bringing great shame on her family within their culture. I am not surprised by the family's reaction, but it is obviously time for the two of you to have a really serious talk. People that I know have gone through this in the US have eventually had the family accept the child and the relationship, but you will probably not be dealing with the same mindset with her family. Be prepared to raise the child with little, or no, contact with her family for at least several years.

Morgrym · Post by **Morgrym** » March 26, 2008, 11:35 am

You are better off without inlaws anyway. Go ahead and marry her to make it official and have fun with your new life and wife

Remember, you can NEVER afford to have children, do the best you can and be the best provider you can be.

Abortion is never the answer and it will haunt you for the rest of your life, trust me.

Tyek · Post by **Tyek** » March 26, 2008, 11:42 am

kill it/don't kill it. Tough call. I've been a part of that decision a couple times.

Wow virtual abortions? Second Life is more realistic then I realized!!

Siji · Post by **Siji** » March 26, 2008, 12:17 pm

Congrats and condolences. The pregnancy is stressful (hoping nothing goes wrong) and exciting (you're in a new club). The one thing I can say from my experience so far (1 year) is that any time you're used to having for yourself? Forget it, it's gone. So get used to that idea now. If you're not the type that likes having time to yourself to do various things (game, study, etc) then you probably won't notice. Also - enjoy sleep now. That too is non-existant.

Resist the temptation to buy every piece of clothing you see for your new baby. They go through them VERY quickly. And though it seems obvious, when looking at clothes for when they're going to be 6 months or 12 months or whatever, think about what time of year it'll be when they hit that age. For us, we buy clothes and they'll fit all year.. for them, you might see a cute long sleeve/pants outfit that's 6 months which ends up being mid-summer.. Highly recommend Dr. Browns bottles (get the 8 oz ones to save money of replacing 4 oz ones down the road. We tried both the tall and the short/fat ones and our daughter prefers the tall ones) & Dr Browns lvl 1 nipples. Get a microwave sanitizer, LOTS (seriously lots) of bottle brushes, if she's going to be breastfeeding, get a decent pump. The costs of renting one are higher overall than just buying one up front. Also get an extended warranty for the pump. You can't return/exchange them. We got the Medela Swing one or something I believe. Has worked very well. Get a high quality crib.. Bibs are good, lots of burp cloths, a Boppy pillow is your absolute best friend in the world.. get a few things of Mylicon, you'll thank me later. For diaper rashes, the absolute best stuff we found was Flander's Buttocks Ointment. Sounds stupid, but the stuff works awesome. Most drug stores have it, but for whatever reason behind the counter. (Babies-R-Us didn't have it, Wal-Greens did) It's a white tube of goop. The Angel Care breathing monitor has worked wonderfully and allowed us to sleep much better once she was in her crib (and they've recently updated it, it's nice. The Summer Infant video monitor has been excellent as well (get the 02100 model with the big screen on it - you'll likely have to order it online, as Babies-R-Us and the other local stores only sold the smaller screen one). Summer Infant's support by the way is one of the best in the baby product industry that I've found. It's debatable, but we really like (and our daughter seems to like) the baby wipes warmer. We've been Huggies Supreme diaper snobs since she was born and they seem to work great, no leaks.

Good luck! Make sure you have lots of memory cards for your camera, and remember they say flashes are bad for babies new born eyes.

PS: The Daddy Boot Camp class is good as well if you've got one being held near you. It's not so much a class as it is a bunch of guys asking questions and such. Usually they'll have previous class attendees come in with their new babies so that everyone gets a chance to hold and/or change a baby for usually the first time. There's some good info in it. If the wife is going to be breastfeeding, we recommend the breastfeeding class. It'll help her from getting raw nips down the road, which can be horrible from what I've heard.

Fairweather Pure · Post by **Fairweather Pure** » March 26, 2008, 1:40 pm

Siji wrote:The one thing I can say from my experience so far (1 year) is that any time you're used to having for yourself? Forget it, it's gone. So get used to that idea now. If you're not the type that likes having time to yourself to do various things (game, study, etc) then you probably won't notice. Also - enjoy sleep now. That too is non-existant.

My first child is now 13 months and my wife is currently 10 weeks along on our second. I disagree with your above post. It is possible to have it all, but you need a spouse who is able and willing to bear some of the burden. That is not always possible, but this what works for my wife and I.

Typical Monday:

630-7am---Wife gets up and does baby stuff (feed/change) and takes shower.
9ish---Kid goes down for nap, my wife goes to work downstairs (she works from home).
11ish---Baby is up and that is my alarm clock, but I often wake up on my own an hour or so before she does. From there, I change the baby and feed her lunch, usually making my wife and lunch as well. We all sit down together for about an hour, then my wife goes back to work. Baby and I play together upstairs. Sometimes I'll throw a movie in while I play with her. Hell, sometimes I can get in 3 movies befor I have to go to work. This is usually when I do my housework too. She is a very content baby and will often play by herself so I can play Xbox or something else I can pause if she wants/needs attention. I usually don't bother though.
2ish---Baby goes down for her nap. I have about 1.5 hours here to do whatever I want, which is almost always video games of some sort.
3:30---Baby is up from her nap and I get ready for work. My wife comes upstairs with her laptop for the rest of her workday to watch the baby.
I work 8 hours and am home around midnight. I then play video games or do whatever for about 4 hours every night, going to bed around 4-4:30am.

I have my alone time, a great night's sleep, and have all the time in the world for my hobbies. Our baby goes to bed around 7pm, so my wife has 4-5 hours alone time to do whatever she wants.

With the weekends, when I get up after her morning nap, my wife gets gets to go back to bed and sleep as long as she wants. Everything else we do together with our baby, from baths to feedings.

We do a lot of switching off so we both can get plenty of sleep, alone time, and family time. Yeah, I realize we have a unique situation, but never say never! You just have to sacrifice once in awhile for your spouse's benefit knowing that you'll get a payoff when they do the same.

To Asheran: Keep a cool head on your shoulders. Do not make hasty decisions and don't let others direct your actions during this whirlwind time in your life. Whatever you decide, do some research and realize that no matter what, everything works out. I waited until I was 32 to have a child, and even then it was planned down to almost the day of conception:P I had never held a single baby before my own. I'm telling you that having a daughter is one of the best experiances in my life so far. My wife and I have planned a very quick run of children to keep them all very close in age. We also plan on being finished having children by the time we're 35. Hopefully we can squeeze 1 more in, for a total of 3 kids. Just keep in mind that no matter how far out it seems, having children is one of the greatest experiances in a person's life.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 26, 2008, 2:27 pm

Thanks for the advice guys. We have been talking with people around our university to tips and help. There are groups around here that are almost solely there for helping expecting mothers who are in school. She is going to have to take the Fall semester off (the baby will probably be here in November), and I will be co-oping during that time...so I should be able to save up some money so I do not have to work during my school semesters. At least not at first.

Since I am a co-op student, I have priority registration for the spring, and she is deaf so she has priority no matter what. That means we get to register for classes even before the seniors. We plan on using that to our advantage so that whenever she is in class, I will be home, and whenever I am in class, she will be home. Also, I am in the process of buying a trailer with my brother. He is coming down to Auburn in the fall, and he is amazing with children, so we will have his help whenever we need it.

And you are right about the amazing things not wearing a condom can do. We always use them, but one night we were at my parents and had not had sex in days...had no condoms so we said fuck it, pull out. Well, I wasn't fast enough with that and I think that is the day our baby was conceived.

Oh, and abortion is out of the question.

Xyphir · Post by **Xyphir** » March 26, 2008, 3:06 pm

First of all, Congratz! Welcome to the club! Although it's your (and your fiancee's decision), I'm glad to hear you're keeping it. I know several of my friends who had abortions during college who have been haunted by the decision. No doubt, it was the right one for them at the time, but hard to forget it entirely and imagine what he/she would be like or how different life would be. I also had friends who had a baby while they were in college. It was challenging, to say the least, but they made it work. My wife and I were the first ones to see their son when he was born about 13 years ago. Now, his kids are older and we just had our first.

Ours was a planned pregnancy, but we didn't expect her to get knocked up so soon. We were "trying" for about a month when the test read +. I never took a bootcamp and held maybe 2-3 babies before my own. Parenthood is very natural, but takes patience. Lots and lots of patience. I'll echo the statement about not buying too many clothes. Talk to friends/relatives who have infants and see if you can get the clothes they used. It's next to impossible to not buy anything, but remember they won't be in it very long. Also, what is 3-6 months for one clothing manufacturer is NOT 3-6 months for another. All the sizes are different.

We've used craigslist to buy several things, but the best thing we got was a gift card to Babies R Us. Do not buy a used breastpump. Make sure it has enough suction. My wife started pumping at about the 2 month stage. We got our crib from a friend for free. We used a bassinet until he outgrew it, which was right next to the bed for the first few months. Get the wipe warmer. A cold wipe on a baby's bottom will wake and startle him/her. We use cloth, and despite being messy at times, it's cost effective since we'll use the same prefolds for our next baby or two.

As for sleep, yeah, you have less free time. That goes without saying, but you and your partner should be able to work out time for each of you to get "Me Time". I certainly don't mind the time I have with my son. I usually get home at 6:30, and get an hour before his bed time. This is also the same time we eat dinner, so it's a bit hectic. Just remember that babies need routine and consistency. It's a wild ride, but just having our son in our lives makes it worth it... at least until he turns into a teenager and tells me how much he hates me. Can't wait!

Aslanna · Post by **Aslanna** » March 26, 2008, 3:43 pm

Siji wrote:Good luck! Make sure you have lots of memory cards for your camera, and remember they say flashes are bad for babies new born eyes.

This struck me as urban legend ("they say" is a trigger!) upon reading it so I investigated:

Q. I want to take photographs of my two-month-old child. My friends told me that it will affect the child's eye. They say that camera's flash light will harm the child's eyes. Is it true? When can I start taking photographs of my child?

A. There is no harm in taking photographs with flash of anyone, baby or adult. We even take electro-diagnostic tests for retinal function with flashes.

Answered by
Dr. Arun K. Mishra
Consultant Ophthalmic Surgeon,
London,
UK

Ashur · Post by **Ashur** » March 26, 2008, 5:22 pm

Grats, my advice is cut out the drugs! (you won't be able to afford them anyway)

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 26, 2008, 5:34 pm

Ashur wrote:Grats, my advice is cut out the drugs! (you won't be able to afford them anyway)

Already done. I had to quit for my co-op job in the fall anyway. I will probably keep some weed around for Christina, because weed is one of the few drugs that do not effect a developing baby and its great for pregnancy pains. (By not effecting, I mean small amounts, she isn't going to be smoking every day for sure lol)

Actually, my aunt was advised to smoke a joint or two if she needed it while she was pregnant. The doctor said it would be much much better for her and the baby than pain killers.

Sabek · Post by **Sabek** » March 26, 2008, 5:45 pm

Asheran Mojomaster wrote:
Ashur wrote:Grats, my advice is cut out the drugs! (you won't be able to afford them anyway)
Already done. I had to quit for my co-op job in the fall anyway. I will probably keep some weed around for Christina, because weed is one of the few drugs that do not effect a developing baby and its great for pregnancy pains. (By not effecting, I mean small amounts, she isn't going to be smoking every day for sure lol)

Actually, my aunt was advised to smoke a joint or two if she needed it while she was pregnant. The doctor said it would be much much better for her and the baby than pain killers.

In what bizarro world was this?

What research do you have to show it isnt going to hurt the kid, and what "pregnancy pains" are you refering to? I remember when my ex-wife had my kids the only real pain was when the kids were coming out and that isnt the best time to smoke a joint.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 26, 2008, 5:49 pm

Sabek wrote:
Asheran Mojomaster wrote:
Ashur wrote:Grats, my advice is cut out the drugs! (you won't be able to afford them anyway)
Already done. I had to quit for my co-op job in the fall anyway. I will probably keep some weed around for Christina, because weed is one of the few drugs that do not effect a developing baby and its great for pregnancy pains. (By not effecting, I mean small amounts, she isn't going to be smoking every day for sure lol)

Actually, my aunt was advised to smoke a joint or two if she needed it while she was pregnant. The doctor said it would be much much better for her and the baby than pain killers.
In what bizarro world was this?

What research do you have to show it isnt going to hurt the kid, and what "pregnancy pains" are you refering to? I remember when my ex-wife had my kids the only real pain was when the kids were coming out and that isnt the best time to smoke a joint.

Well, she is already having stomach pains and headaches like crazy. She always has headaches, but now she cannot take pain medicine for it, and they are getting worse. Many women have back pain often as well. Mostly lower back early in the pregnancy, and throughout the back as their stomach fills out.

The research? I don't know where it came from, but my aunt's doctor told her it was perfectly fine, and I have heard the same from other gynos.

gXDesireTT · Post by **gXDesireTT** » March 26, 2008, 6:08 pm

Many thanks to people who have replied to this, especially Siji. I have written down all the baby necessities that you have shared.

I am scared as fuck but not the pregnancy, people, or anything but giving birth. Throughout my whole life, I have always been afraid of going into labor and finally giving birth to my own child. I know people have said that once the baby is out, it's the best feeling in the world; however, the main fear is that what if something happens to me? I'm not a healthy person and when I was little, I've always had nightmares about me dying while I was giving birth. Perhaps that is why this haunt me for life. My appointment with the gynecologist is next Thursday so I guess I will find out what will happen when the time comes. I can't wait to find out how long I am right now and when the baby will be born. Hoping for a baby boy!

Also, I just received an e-mail from my mother. She mentioned how it would be difficult to have this child because we are so young and she asked a few questions such as how would we handle the school work along with the baby, how would the baby affect the relationship between me and my fiance, etc. However, she knows it is my choice now and she seems to have calmed down after the first day when I told her the news. She went ballistic. I found out today from my VR counselor (who helps pay for my school) that if I claim to be a single independent with zero income, I can get the maximum of Pell Grant and that would definitely help me out a lot. Although we may not get married before the baby comes, but I still wish I could. At least maybe the baby can be our flowergirl/ring bearer if old enough.

Xyphir · Post by **Xyphir** » March 26, 2008, 6:10 pm

Speaking from our own research into occasional usage of illicit drugs for pregnant women, I would recommend staying away from 'teh pot' until the third trimester. There is little evidence to support the notion that it could effect the baby, but why take that chance? I suggest if she's going to smoke to wait until the third trimester since at that time the baby is pretty well developed. The only study we had found was done on rastafarian women, and I don't remember it well enough to quote it or its findings.

Personally, I wouldn't take the advice from someone second-hand, especially considering a baby's well-being is at stake here. I never understood people who smoke pot to reduce pain. It has the opposite effect with me. It actually intensifies pain.

Edit: Found the research article.

Ashur · Post by **Ashur** » March 26, 2008, 6:24 pm

I wouldn't sweat the actual delivery, complications: c-section and you come out fine.

Fash · Post by **Fash** » March 26, 2008, 6:28 pm

Edit: Found the research article.

At 1 month, however, comparisons between exposed and nonexposed neonates revealed that the neonates of using mothers had significantly higher scores on the Autonomic and Reflex clusters of the NBAS (see Table 3). On the supplementary items, these neonates scored higher (were less irritable) on the General Irritability item.

Comparing the heavily exposed and the nonexposed infants, the Brazelton clusters on day 30, showed that the offspring of heavy-marijuana using mothers had significantly higher scores on the Orientation cluster, on the Autonomic Stability cluster, and on Reflexes (see Table 4). Due to the intercorrelation among the variables comprising each cluster, no t scores or P values are reported for individual items. Nevertheless, a comparison of individual item scores showed that neonates of heavy users had higher scores on habituation to auditory and tactile stimuli, and to animate auditory stimuli, the degree of alertness, capacity for consolability, irritability (ie, less irritable), and had fewer startles and tremors. The comparisons on the supplementary items revealed significant differences on all seven variables, with the neonates of mothers who were heavy-marijuana users performing more optimally on these items.

... they make it sound like it's a good thing.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 26, 2008, 7:22 pm

Haha, I always knew weed made my mind work better and had lots of benefits, but if it is good for my baby too...wow! But yeah, I think we will stick to very little to none until we talk to her gyno and are at least a bit along in the 2nd trimester. We have been given a few other ways to reduce the pain and cramps that have absolutely no chance of harming the child.

Nick · Post by **Nick** » March 26, 2008, 7:25 pm

Smoking weed as an expecting mother would be pretty idiotic tbh. Grats on your news though, if having it is the best option then go for it.

I was in your situation a few years back, we chose to go for abortion, I haven't regretted it. (I'm not saying you should, different people are different..obviously)

So sincere congratulations man, I hope it all works out, but smoking weed would be a pretty moronic move on the part of you two, the parents of a soon to be baby.

Dregor Thule · Post by **Dregor Thule** » March 26, 2008, 7:39 pm

That site has a definite pro-marijuana slant to it. I'd say that taking advice from it would be a lot like asking the NRA if it was ok to own a gun. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you don't really want to hear any negatives about it tho.

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » March 26, 2008, 7:47 pm

Asheran Mojomaster wrote:We have been given a few other ways to reduce the pain and cramps that have absolutely no chance of harming the child.

Yeah, you wonder how everyone else managed to make it through pregnancy without sucking on a joint. Of course there are alternatives. Give your baby a fighting chance.

Spang · Post by **Spang** » March 26, 2008, 8:05 pm

Stay away from weed!

...and soy!

Sirensa · Post by **Sirensa** » March 27, 2008, 1:52 am

JFC do not save weed for the pregnant mother. That's the kind of shit that gets your baby taken into DHS' custody and you two going through well-needed parenting classes, among other things. Happen to be in the hospital? Happen to give pee? Bye bye baby! I'd report it as child abuse as well.

Congrats otherwise!

Not using a condom bad, mmmkay!

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 27, 2008, 3:49 am

*shrug* We are not going to use weed. We have found a few better alternatives. But after talking with a few doctors, and nurses (I like to ask questions, weed was not the only thing I asked, but it is one thing I brought up), most agree that it would not harm the child and that it could be something to look into if she is having problems with stress more so than with pain. It seems stress is actually one of the worst things for a pregnant woman. It can cause anything from miscarriage to ADHD (which explains my brother...my mom was stressed as hell while she was pregnant with him and he has the most extreme case of ADHD of anyone I know).

I'm not too worried about her getting stressed however, as her mom seems to be coming around a bit and I will do everything in my power to make her comfortable. Also, taking a break from school once this semester is over will help with that a lot.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 27, 2008, 4:04 am

Lol, I've been reading online about the actual effects of marijuana on a developing baby...almost every one of them said it has negative side effects, but then many go on to say that these negative side effects could be related to the fact that marijuana is often laced with drugs such as PCP, cocaine, and pesticides...wtf, who the hell laces weed with drugs like that? I've smoked for years and can say 100% for sure that I have never smoked laced weed. I would know if my weed was laced with PCP, that is for sure. There is so much bullshit out there trying to pass itself off as science.

But again, it doesn't matter as we are not going to use it regardless, on the chance that it could have negative effects and I want my child to be as healthy as possible.

Ashur · Post by **Ashur** » March 27, 2008, 4:13 am

EDIT: That third frame just slays me. A guy throwing a bag of flour in a diaper yelling "AUGH BEES!" is about the most ridiculous thing I've ever imagined and I can't get over how funny it is. The first time I saw it (Posted to Sirensa's attention due to her fondness for our buzzing friends) I snorted water all over my nice new 22" monitor.

Glad I gave up soda.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 27, 2008, 12:46 pm

Siji · Post by **Siji** » March 27, 2008, 4:53 pm

What is it these days with people leaning so towards c-sections? That drives me nuts.

My preference was to do a water birth, as I'd been there when my sister did one and it was (as she said) fantastic. According to her it was the best (of 3) deliveries she'd ever had. However the wife didn't want to feel any pain in any way so wanted an epidural. Since you can't do an epidural in a water birth, there went that idea - but hey, it's her choice, she had to push it out. Speaking of epidurals, I don't want to give you anxiety, but I highly recommend asking an doctor to give it to you if you're going to have it done. We had an anestitician (sp) do the first one and she spent what seemed like 15 minutes trying to get it placed and even then it failed. A "real" doctor came in and did it on the first try and it was perfect from there on out. I've got video of the first attempt, and let me tell you I'm glad it wasn't me.

Lamaze class was fun, but we were ~4 weeks early so didn't get to finish it. (If you're planning on any of these "classes" schedule them early - you never know). They're all entertaining and fun, and we went to what seems like all of them. I recommend them.. they're cheap/free.

I agree with you Fair, but my schedule doesn't permit much time outside of baby time. It's probably our own fault (we haven't let her cry it out to set a definitive bedtime yet) but a typical day:

7:00-8:30 AM - Daughter up. Play a few minutes and then put her in the swing with a Baby Einstein DVD and Cheerios long enough to take a shower and get dressed. This will be changing soon as she's outgrowing the swing.
Play-time
9:30 AM - Breakfast
Play-time / go for walk/park/grandma's
11:30-12:00 PM - Down for nap (2-3 hrs)
2:30-3:00 PM - Lunch time
Play-time
6:30 PM Dinner
8:30-9:30 PM - Bedtime
1:30-2:30 AM - Wake up for bottle/booboo

During the week I get home by 5pm so I enter the schedule there, on weekends I watch her while the wife works. M-W the wife goes to school ~5p so I have those nightly duties as well. I'm also the one that gets up with her everyday to put her in the swing and grab a shower while the wife is still in bed. Heaven forbid I have to find another job where I can't show up at 9 and the wife has to start getting up with her. I'm pretty hands on when it comes to my daughter. When I'm with and/or watching her, that's what I'm doing - nothing else. She has my undivided attention - though the last few months she's been getting better and better at entertaining herself with her toys. My personal time has been during naps or after she goes to bed.

Not to derail, but the biggest thing/issue for us right now I think is that we want her bedtime to be 7:30 and we're going to have to breakdown and let her cry it out when we put her in the crib so she can get herself to sleep. Which I'm hoping will also remove the late night waking and let her sleep through the night. It's just really hard to not be there every time she calls - but at the same time, if we wait too much longer she's going to be too spoiled to change. She's a year in 2 weeks, and after that we're doing the let her cry thing at bed time. (Having multiple monitors while she sleeps doesn't help us not react when she wakes either)

She's our first and we were ~37, and we're still figuring it out as we go.

Edit: PS - Do *not* buy the DVDs for that Dunstan 'understanding your babies cries' crap. It's 2 DVDs and there's literally like 20 minutes -total- between the two disks. It's worthless. I do however recommend "Happiest Baby On The Block" DVD. We utilized the methods on that and it worked 99.99% of every time she cried as a newborn.

Xyphir · Post by **Xyphir** » March 27, 2008, 5:18 pm

My wife had a waterbirth. It was simply amazing. She was the one who came up with the idea, so I wasn't going to try and talk her out of it. We started thinking about a doula (birthing coach and advocate during the birth), and eventually she proposed the idea of having a home birth. We did the research and figured why not? I certainly wasn't going to suggest a natural delivery or homebirth. If she's the one doing it, she can deal with it however she wants to.

We were in the water for about 2-3 hours before my son was born. My wife was in the pushing phase for a rather long time, but she did great and he came out with an 8 on the Apgar score, which is pretty normal for Denver considering our altitude. I'm still amazed that she had the wherewithall to catch him as he came out, but the mothering instinct is strong. I had the easy part. I just had to encourage her, massage her lower back, and recommend new positions. I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

Sueven · Post by **Sueven** » March 27, 2008, 6:22 pm

Congratulations and good luck.

Not being a parent I can't really give you advice on parenting. But it sounds like you have a good attitude-- you want to be responsible and are prioritizing the baby and so on, and that's really the key thing, I think. Just wake up every day and try to do your best for your child and your fiancee.

I also want to urge you to ignore all the self-important moralizing bullshit that you're certain to get and have already received. You two are leading your lives and having your child, and if someone else wants to project their values and opinions and desires and regrets onto you, then that's their problem, not yours. Whether or not anyone thinks that you were stupid (I think you were kind of stupid... should have just gone down on one another or something) is totally irrelevant except to the extent that their advice can be used as a learning experience-- and hey, my guess is that you figured out the 'wear condoms' lesson without the help of every self-important middle-aged asshole you run into feeling the urge to remind you. Fuck that noise.

The one thing I would give you advice on is to encourage you to fully investigate all of your birthing options, especially nurse-midwives. The statistics on birthing in the United States are stunning... c-section rates jump tremendously right before lunch and dinner times, for instance. C-sections are a great backup plan, but ought to be avoided if possible... it's major, invasive abdominal surgery, requires anesthesia, creates scar tissue, results in decreased outcomes for babies (decreased apgar scores, etc)...

Winnow · Post by **Winnow** » March 27, 2008, 6:27 pm

Another note: give your kid a chance to choose their own religion (or no religion). Don't force anything on them. If it's properly fed nutritious food, by the time they're in their mid teens, then they can decide what to do instead of being over influenced by you. (that's also how prejudices jump from generation to generation)

Fash · Post by **Fash** » March 27, 2008, 7:10 pm

I have a request...

No baby-talk.

This is the most counter-productive action ever invented by humans. You're introducing a child into a world of people who speak intelligently... why not bark like a dog?

Let that brain soak up what we really are and what we're really capable of. It will make connections that last a long time. Words are very important.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 27, 2008, 9:25 pm

Winnow wrote:Another note: give your kid a chance to choose their own religion (or no religion). Don't force anything on them. If it's properly fed nutritious food, by the time they're in their mid teens, then they can decide what to do instead of being over influenced by you. (that's also how prejudices jump from generation to generation)

We are both agnostic, so that won't be a problem. It is kinda hard to force a religion when you don't know one way or another for yourself haha.

Also, to Fash, I completely agree. The biggest problem we are going to have is that we want our child to have English as his\her first language, but we also want the child to speak Mandarin. My fiancee is fluent in Mandarin, and hopefully her parents will come to their senses and help, as they are the ones that taught her both (though neither of them speak English completely, just well enough to communicate).

Kryshade · Post by **Kryshade** » March 27, 2008, 10:45 pm

I know your probably scared to death inside. One minute your ok with it, the other your wondering how you'll ever live your life again. Trust me when I tell you this will be the biggest blessing of your life. My daughter (she's our first) just turned 10 months old yesterday and I can't begin to describe how much she has enriched our (my wife and I) lives. It's absolutely amazing to come home and see her squeal in excitement when she sees me. It's awesome to watch how they develope and reach certain milestones etc. It's amazing to creep into her room and just watch her sleep. Nevermind having her fall asleep on your chest on the couch and drifting off to sleep holding your own child.

I know it's very VERY hard to believe right now, but I promise you that a year or so from now you will wonder how you ever lived your life without this amazing person in it.

As far as advice since I'm still very much in the swing of things:

Breastfeed! Unless you and your fiance have some weird preconceptions about it (which I hope to god you don't... it's the most natural thing in the world). Its probably the single most important and healthy thing you can do for your child. It will be absolute torture for your fiance for the first few weeks. I remember my wife crying everytime the baby latched on for the first 2 weeks, but if she can tough it out you will be VERY thankful. It does amazing things for your childs developement as well as your fiance's recovery and well being as well. My wife almost quit several times, but she swears by it now and repeatedly tells me that she is glad she stuck with it. Also, it's free food and being that your in college that will save you a ton of money. Formula is expensive and babies eat A LOT!

The first 3 months - They suck. It's hard, your don't know what the hell your doing, your tired, worn out and you get no sort of response from this demanding lump that is your child. Don't get me wrong, it's awesome seeing YOUR child, but the first 3 months are HARD. I promise you that things will get better, you will get to sleep longer and your baby will start to interact with you which makes it much much more rewarding when you get to that stage. It's almost like a switch flipped at that point. You get used to being a parent, you get used to the routine, and more importantly, you start to see some reward from it when your baby starts smiling, holding its head up on it's own, babbling etc etc.

Follow your instinct - You can learn an awful lot about child rearing from books and the internet, (my wife did nothing but read up on caring for babies for about 5 months straight) and a lot of it is very helpful and accurate, but ultimately, your instincts will tell you when your baby needs to eat, when she needs to sleep etc. You will know your child better than anyone, and all babies are different. Follow what your heart tells you about your child and you'll be fine.

Parents - Your parents (hers and yours) will want you to do things the way they did, and it's very hard to tell them to butt out sometimes. I remember getting into a fight with my father in law over what our baby was eating. (He was trying to give her a piece of sweet potatoe pie and she hadn't ever had solid food before). I remember having to put my foot down and insisting that this was our child and it was our rules for her. At the time it was a big ordeal and everyone was pissed off, but they just mean well. You'll get to that point at some stage, but just remember they're only trying to help.

As far as supplies, others have covered pretty much everything. I would highly recommend a white noise machine also. It helps your baby learn to sleep with noise going on around it which is a big help and keeps them from waking up everytime you close a door. It also reminds them of the sound from inside the womb (very noisy and loud in there) and helps them to settle down when it's time to sleep.

I'm a firm believer in "Things happen for a reason". This was meant to be whether you know it or not, so embrace it, know that it was time for it to happen and hang on for the ride. Remember the most important thing in your life now is to be the absolute best father you can be. Give your fiance everything she needs and more. She's going through a miraculous and very difficult (at times) thing and will need all the support you can give her.

Congratulations!!! Any questions or concerns, feel free to ask!

Siji · Post by **Siji** » March 28, 2008, 12:04 am

Kryshade raised some good tips.. I would say though, that breastfeeding should not cause soreness. (There's always exceptions) My wife didn't have any pain in any way until this last month or so as teeth starting are coming in.. and my daughter thinks it's a game to bite and watch mommy squeal.

For white noise, we just put a little desk fan in the room and pointed it at the ceiling. I definitely agree with Kry though, something that makes noise like that is very helpful. If you do get the Angel Care breathing monitor I referenced, you have to make sure to adjust the fan so that the air from it doesn't reach the crib. The sensor is so sensitive that a ceiling fan or a desktop fan across the room will give false positives for baby breathing. (It's surprising how sensitive the thing is)

Depending on who you ask, and/or what you read they say it's a bad idea but we used a co-sleeper until she was old enough to move to the crib (1 month I think?). The biggest thing about those is not to get a real soft plushy one because they can suffocate if they roll (which most baby's cant do that young). The one we got was mesh on the sides and even had a little night light up by the head that we could turn on/off. Bassinets are nice, but for us was an expense that wasn't worth it.

Too bad you're not local, all this stuff we got we're about done with and it's all like new..

Fairweather Pure · Post by **Fairweather Pure** » March 28, 2008, 2:38 am

Don't get the video baby monitor! As cool as they are, they take the needed human touch out of caring for your baby. Audio monitors are fine though. It should be your instinct to want to go look over your baby when you hear it cry out or when you just hear weird noises. Video monitors take that experiance away with a handy streaming video of your baby.

Siji · Post by **Siji** » March 28, 2008, 6:32 am

Fairweather Pure wrote:Don't get the video baby monitor! As cool as they are, they take the needed human touch out of caring for your baby. Audio monitors are fine though. It should be your instinct to want to go look over your baby when you hear it cry out or when you just hear weird noises. Video monitors take that experiance away with a handy streaming video of your baby.

Wha? I seriously hope you're being sarcastic, because that's such a load of crap. If my daughter starts crying I don't check the video, I go tend to her. However if I hear a sigh or grunt, it's probably her rolling over or farting. I don't need to drop everything I'm doing to go touch her because she farted or rolled onto her back. That obsessive behavior lasts a couple months before you realize that yes, babies make noises in their sleep and no, you don't have to rush in for every one of them. I can't begin to count how many times I've woken in the middle of the night and just laid there watching my daughter on the monitor sleeping. As I type this, I'm doing just that. She's snoring away gleefully. Sometimes I'll catch her fingers wiggling in her dream, it's the cutest thing. Hell, we've even hooked it up to the big screen in the living room and watched her take her naps while cleaning up or reading.

It's a tool, and one I would rank as one of the most important things I couldn't live without. Seriously, if a video monitor is going to change how much you're going to care for or want to touch your baby, you shouldn't be having a baby in the first place.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 28, 2008, 9:02 am

Definitely getting a baby monitor, and luckily the first 2 months I will get to spend with my child with no school. The first month I will still be working on co-op, then the next month is Christmas break, so I can focus all of my attention on him\her and my entire family is going to get a chance to see her. Of course, most of them will be there at the hospital for the birth. I am so thankful to have such a large family. Everyone is excited that there is going to be another baby. It's so funny how this happened. My mom and her 2 sisters were all pregnant at the same time. I am the oldest, but barely. My birthday is in July, my cousin Molly is in September, and Amanda is January, so we are all 20 at the moment. Amanda was the one who recently gave birth and it seems that Christina was pregnant already when we were at the hospital for Amanda. So the cycle is starting again...now it is Molly's turn hahaha. She will probably wait a little bit longer however.

cadalano · Post by **cadalano** » March 28, 2008, 10:53 am

pro tip:

dont shake it

Aslanna · Post by **Aslanna** » March 28, 2008, 11:01 am

And be sure to place the game console in such a way that it can't be pulled to the floor.

Fash · Post by **Fash** » March 28, 2008, 11:02 am

Aslanna wrote:And be sure to place the game console in such a way that it can't be pulled to the floor.

Hayley · Post by **Hayley** » March 29, 2008, 3:55 am

Wow...my jaw literally dropped to the floor when I read that you would be saving pot for your pregnant fiance...WTF?! I'm hoping you still aren't considering this AT ALL for pain management.

The headaches she's experiencing will be gone by the 2nd trimester...those are typically blamed by the hormonal changes taken place. Stomach pains? Sounds a bit psychological to me. There shouldn't be any kind of severe pains in the abdomen area that require medication. If there is (especially coupled with bleeding) then something else is going on and a trip to the ER is needed.

All the rest of the advice you've gotten here is pretty sound. I only disagree with a couple points:

a) Dr. Smith's diaper rash cream is the absolute best (literally can clear it up in mere minutes)
b) Invest in the Summer Video Monitor. We didn't have one for our first, and I am loving it for our second.

Also, for sore nipples (make sure the latch is correct) have lots and lots of Lanolin handy.

Good luck.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 29, 2008, 10:31 pm

Yes, I know, no pot. I usually trust doctors, and I've heard its harmless from quite a few, but I've been doing my own research and trust me, she will be smoking absolutely NO weed. Fuck the doctors, they don't know everything, and even if the studies are wrong I do not want my child to have a higher of leukemia or slowed brain development \ learning once it is actually born.

Anyway, I really do not expect the headaches to go away. She has headaches on a pretty consistent basis anyway, and weed seems to be the only cure. Since she has become pregnant they have become a constant thing and without weed I do not see them going away any time soon...but the baby comes first before her discomfort, so I will just do all I can to ease her pain and try to help.

Asheran Mojomaster · Post by **Asheran Mojomaster** » March 29, 2008, 10:34 pm

Oh, and her parents have already come around haha. Her mother has agreed to give her $1000 a month until the end of July (when our lease here ends), then $300 a month from then on (she will be living in my new trailer with me, so no rent, so its actually only about $250 less per month to spend, plus I will be making money then). Also, I just remembered that I have a $10,000 bond that I get to cash once I turn 21. I turn 21 on July 14, so that will be a great help. That is going straight into a saving or money market account.

Lalanae · Post by **Lalanae** » March 29, 2008, 10:40 pm

See, this is why I don't want kids. Even after they turn 18 they end up being a money sink.

Nick · Post by **Nick** » March 29, 2008, 11:07 pm

Great to hear you aren't going to go the idiot route with allowing weed to be involved, it's a dirty fucker of a drug (I've smoked it a lot in past years, but it looks disgusting once your dependence/infatuation with it ends.

Also, great to hear the parents have come round. You're a smart guy, you should do fine.

MooZilla · Post by **MooZilla** » March 30, 2008, 3:43 pm

Nick wrote:Great to hear you aren't going to go the idiot route with allowing weed to be involved, it's a dirty fucker of a drug (I've smoked it a lot in past years, but it looks disgusting once your dependence/infatuation with it ends.

Also, great to hear the parents have come round. You're a smart guy, you should do fine.

pot addiction is a myth. if you're at the point where you're smoking it without reason every day, then you need to reevaluate your priorities in life. it sounds like you've had a bad past with it.

Lalanae · Post by **Lalanae** » March 30, 2008, 5:04 pm

Habitual smokers who stop DO go through some withdrawal symptoms. Believe me, I've experienced with with someone close to me who stopped. It's a mood altering substance and ANY chemical you put into your body on a regular basis will have dependency effects. Even caffeine.

(I hate idiots but I hate idiot potheads the most)